Little Yogini

Adelle 8 & 9 Months

2012-01-12T08:57:00.000+10:30

My Cheeky Monkey,

Mama is sorry. I haven't felt like picture taking or blog writing much these past few months. Not that you aren't picture worthy, and you certainly give me plenty of material to write about, but I simply haven't had any creative juices running through me. Not to mention that I have to keep an even closer eye on you now that you are mobile!

Yes, that's right, shortly after my last writing you began to crawl. Dad and I were standing in the livingroom talking about putting you to bed when all of a sudden....you just did it! And, in your usual form, you acted as if it was no biggie with a look on your face like 'whatever' as if you'd been crawling all along. When we made a big fuss, as we often do, you just looked at us as if to say 'What? Haven't you ever seen a baby crawl before? Whadda coupla dorks."

In that same week you began pulling up on anything that was stationary and climbing on stairs. Oh what a thrill to watch you go! It was also so fun watching you at play time. For a long time now you've been tasting things and turning them this way and that to get a look from all sides, but then you began shaking things about. Dad and I took to singing an oldies song to you "You gotta shake, rattle, and roll" each time you did that. You'd smile a big goofy smile and keep on shaking. More recently you've begun banging things together. You just never stop exploring. You love going to new places so that you have new things to look at.

You began waving before we left and it was just so darn cute to see your little hand opening and closing. You also started signing 'milk' while you drank your mama's milk. I'm trying to teach you a few more signs now, like 'all done', but you land up turning them all into 'YAY' in which you hold both hands up over your head and smile. That is just about THE cutest thing you've ever done.

A big hooray with Dad's credit card in your hand.

Even though you don't know a whole lot of sign language yet, you sure are communicating. Pushing our hands away if we try to give you something you don't want. Grunting excitedly for food. Pumping your legs when you are happy to see someone. The other week your dad tried to steal a kiss after you pushed his face away (I don't blame him-you are pretty hard not to kiss) and Nana and I heard the LOUDEST most angry scream ever come out of your little mouth. You sure told him. We all had a big laugh. Even though you like to sign milk while you are eating, you don't ask me for milk that way. You come over, sit on my lap, and slide into position. Then when you are done with one side you get up and slide into position on the other side. Your main communication though is through smiles and giggles. Everyone says you are the happiest baby they've ever seen, and I have to tell you it's true. You smile all the time.

Your personality is really starting to shine through. Like I said, you love going to new places to explore, but you also like meeting new people. When we're out and about you stare at people and when you've assessed that they're okay, then proceed to give them an ear to ear grin. Oh, and you've started wrinkling up your nose when you smile. That literally turns my heart into a puddle of goo.

You decided that getting your clothes changed was totally uncool and too babyish for you. As soon as we tried to remove or put on a piece of clothing you commenced with the most amazing acrobatic flips, rolls, and squiggles I've ever seen all while throwing the most theatrical hissy fits I've witnessed thus far. It was like trying to dress an angry fish. I think you just truly hated being taken away from whatever you were doing.

Just after you turned 8 months old we had a big trip to America planned, but right before we left I began to see teeth through your bottom gums. I was so excited! I had no idea how excruciatingly long it takes for teeth to come up. Over a month later and those teeth would still only be half way up. Still, you look absolutely adorable with your little nubby teeth. We catch glimpses of them when you are smiling or eating and you've begun to rip at your food with them. It's almost a little sad for me though, because your face is changed forever. No more gummy grin. It's just one more little thing that signifies that you are on your way to being an Independent Woman.

So we took the big trip back to America to introduce you to all my people. Thirty hours door to door--I was a bit nervous how it would go. I thought you'd hate sitting around on a dumb old plane for so long and getting dragged through airports. Silly me, I worried for nothing! You traveled like a champ! It must run in your genes. You were making friends all over the place. This little old Honduran lady sitting across from us kept calling you Muchachita (little lady) and speaking Spanish to you. She was your bestest friend. Even at the end of the trip on the shuttle bus from JFK to Grand Central you were flirting and waving to some random dude behind us.

We took the train from NYC to Bridgeport and when we got there your Grandmama scooped you up and gave you hugs. We stopped to see my Gram, Aunt Diane, and cousin Shari straight away. It felt good to me that my family finally got to meet you. Finally you got to meet your Nany Ilse, who you are named for. I know she was very glad to see you. Don't tell her I told you, but she might have had a tear in her eye.

You and Nany Ilse (you weren't loving picture taking this day!)

The rest of the trip was spent visiting, visiting, visiting. We saw both sides of my family and bunches of friends like Genessa, Melissa, (a different) Melisa, Laura, Katrina and Damon, Madelyn, Maureen and Liz, and Jaimee. Since we were there a month we got to see some people more than once, which was wonderful! Grandmama had a party for us so that people could come meet you. You met your other Great Grandma then. We did lots of driving around. You were a star the whole time. You took naps in the car, or wherever we could put you down, and you were almost never cranky. You loved when we visited my friends with kids because you looooove playing with other kids--especially the older ones because you like to watch what they are doing. You practiced more crawling and standing while holding onto things. You've become much more nimble and adept in your body.

Me, Grandma Mic, Grandmama, and you at 8 months

You and your Grandmama

While we were there I got to look at old photos of me as a baby and little girl. That was really special for me. There's no denying you have Daddy's beautiful eyes (that is the first thing everyone says when they see you, "Look at those beautiful big blue eyes"). In the pictures I got to see how much you look like me too. There was one photo of me at your age smiling and we look like twins! Your Daddy's eyes and my smile. I like that very much. You've also got my nose and lips.

One of few pics we have of the three of us as I'm almost always behind the camera! Shortly after this we ha a camera malfunction which is a total bummer.

We ended the trip in NYC. We stayed in a hotel and got to see a bit of Manhattan before we took the big trip home. I think because we started traveling in the evening and you were already tired, the trip home was a little tougher for you than on the way there, but overall you were still super.

At the end of these few months I can say that your sleeping habits are....still pretty unpredictable. You teased us with a few seven hour stretches while we were in Connecticut, but promptly went back to sleeping in 2-4 hour stints. Sigh. Ah well. I just keep telling myself it won't be like this forever. Luckily your Dad has become the baby whisperer and has honed his technique for getting you down for naps. That has been a huge help because for some reason with me you just think it's play time.

I think that about covers it, babe. Actually, it doesn't begin to cover it at all. Every single day you bring Dad and I laughter and joy that can't be captured in writing. As you show us bits of your personality and as you grow into this little person we fall in love with you a little more each day. I don't believe when a baby is born it's parents feel the full extent of love right away. The love is there, no doubt. But each day a new seed is planted and over time the love blooms into a lush garden. Pretty soon that garden has taken over everything and there you are as a parent, sitting in the middle of it, in wonderment of what has been created.

You in your cheeky monkey hat from Grandmama

I think each day we are planting seeds in your heart, too. When you grow big I hope that you'll be able to close your eyes and feel all our love for you no matter where you are or what you are going through. There will be so many things that happen in your life that we won't be able to change, but we can at least arm you with the knowing that you are loved, adored, and cared for.

Namaste my sweet. Love always, Mama

Welcome 2012

2012-01-01T13:55:00.000+10:30

I'm still in the midst of writing my letters to Adelle for months 8 and 9, but wanted to throw out a quick reflection on 2011...
2011 held a lot of change for me. Marriage. Moving across the globe. Motherhood. The loss of my sweet Merlin. With all that it brought anxiety, depression, and lots of emotional eating--all of the things I thought I had conquered! In the midst of all this upheaval I'm trying to be gentle with myself in these "regressions." I'm happy to report that going into 2012 I'm rounding the corner and feeling more myself again. Thankfully.

The last month in 2011 I had pretty much just left everything behind and was moving into a new life. This last month of 2012 I spent revisiting my old life.

I'm glad to have made the trip back to America. There are people there that are dear to my heart that I miss. But, I can say this:

I still have no doubts that all of my choices were the best ones for me. And, even with all the emotional upheaval, I feel deeply that it was all worth it. People at home asked me if I'm feeling at home in Australia. The weird part is that I still call Connecticut home because it's where I'm from, but Australia is home now. Truly. I don't know if I would have said that before my trip to Connecticut, but I can say it now without hesitation. No, I'm not completely settled in yet, but this is where my heart is.

I have so much to be grateful for in this new year. I have so much to look forward to. Adelle is the joy of my life and watching her grow is a gift. I have a great support system in Paul and my in-laws. I'm getting to know people and slowly building friendships. I'm hoping to pick up a few hours a week of teaching yoga....and I'm excited to reconnect with that part of myself.

The last year went by in a bit of a haze, but I'm welcoming 2012 and all it has to offer with fresh bright eyes.

Adelle 7 Months

2011-11-02T22:01:00.000+10:30

Dear Chubba Wubba,

Lord have mercy, where did this month go? I blinked and all of a sudden you had grown into a mini-toddler.It’s shocking! You are no longer a baby-baby. You’re in the second half of your first year. You are seven months big.

You are not crawling as of yet, but the acrobatics you do are amazing. You are so close to crawling I keep thinking it'll be any day now. I also keep thinking any day you'll be getting teeth (as you've been a bit more grumpy than usual), but that hasn't happened either!

You've figured out there's more going on around you than you can see in your direct line of vision (clever girl), so you've begun peering over, around, and behind things. The look on your face is too precious.

What's that over there??

You were just starting to be more aware of the cats when Merlin died a few weeks ago (more on that in another post). Since then you've grown to LOVE Gabby and you are generally pretty gentle with her. She's unbelievably patient with you. She just lays back and lets you have a go until she's had enough. Never once a hiss or a swat.

You've also made some little baby friends. You did the sweetest thing and gave your friend a hug and a kiss....then other times you're super curious about what an eye must feel like and want to have a little grab of someone's face, so I have to be real close to make sure you don't accidentally blind someone.

Your studious face.

You and Daddy have started swimming lessons. Overall you are pretty unconcerned. You did crack a few smiles, but for the most part you just hung out. You even went underwater and when you came up had this look on your face like "whatever."

You love your Daddy. You finally sat through a whole book the other night as he read to you.

You are moved to laugh every single day. Sometimes I try to make you laugh and you look at me like I’m straight out of the asylum. Then other times I just give you a certain look and you giggle. Once in a while when breastfeeding you if I'm preoccupied with something else I feel your eyes boring a hole into my head. I look down and you burst into laughter. Um. Uh. What did I do that was funny? Nothing at all. You are a child and you must laugh. So, no matter where we are or who we’re with in those moments I engage you and we laugh together. It must be done. Your happiness is contagious and must be watered.

Whattaya doin Mama?

On that note, you are teaching me a whole new side of Love. Of course, I have never loved someone quite the way I’ve loved you, but I’ve also never experienced someone loving me quite the way you do. I still get a ‘what, who me??’ kind of feeling when you fuss specifically for me. I thought I had gotten away without you going through the ‘clingy’ phase, but you seem to just be growing into it now. I try to put you down, but you just go into hysterics until I pick you up again. It isn’t an ego based feeling I get, but rather a deeper understanding of Motherhood (and maybe it's a bit frustrating at times!!). It helps me to see that no matter how I ‘show up’ you will love me As Is. You will want my approval. You will want me to love you and hold you. You will want me to just be there without saying a word just to feel the comfort of my presence.

That makes me feel even more responsible to be my best Self for you....and I do try.

When I come toward you and you hold your arms out for me, when you grab me and give me kisses out of nowhere, when you laugh at me for no reason, or when you just want me to stop and play with you for two minutes to reconnect I remember all that I am in your Life and I think ‘Holy shit. God give me all the tools I need.’ I also feel our love wholly in those moments. There's this little spark--a connection--that is special only to us and it just makes me so darn happy. YOU make me so darn happy!

You with the bear Grandmama sent you from America.

As another month comes to an end, yet another lay before us. This month you'll crawl. I'm sure of it. Teeth? Yeah, probably. What else? Who knows! No matter what, you'll delight me every single day. You are Mama's little treasure.

I love you with all my Being, Mama

P.S. You've been having more and more good night's sleep....can you possibly keep that up? Thanks, Dad and I appreciate it!

Learning to Let Go

2011-10-14T09:10:00.001+10:30

It's been just about 8 months since we found out what was ailing Merlin. The specialist told us he'd have about 9 months to live.

Bastard was right it seems.....even though our regular vet says it appears to be cancer, not his heart that is the problem now. We got all cocky and thought Merlin looked so good he would cheat death. Imagine that. The specialist actually knew what he was talking about.

Nothing is set in stone yet. We've got pain meds for Merlin and we'll reevaluate on Saturday how he's doing. But, it's only a matter of time. I don't want him to suffer, so as long as he's comfortable we'll give him lots of love and attention, but as soon as the time is right we'll say our good-byes. The vet has agreed to come to us when it's time to put him to rest. I think we'll do it out under his favorite tree. I think he'd like that.

I went back through my posts from earlier this year and reread what I had written about death and surrender. It was really good to read my own thoughts again. It was helpful to remember the lessons I've learned and take comfort in my spiritual beliefs. I was able to cry yesterday at the pain of losing my companion, but there was a sense of peace through my tears. I know this is all a part of Life. I know that sorrow and joy are two sides of the same coin. Even as I mourn for him, I remember all he's given to me. Even as I hurt at the thought of him dying, I look at Adelle and see vibrant Life. It's all part of the cycle. For me there's a sense of calm and stillness in that acceptance.

Merlin has been such a good friend to me. Of course I'll miss him and all his quirky kitty ways when he's gone, but I'm grateful for the years we've had together. I honestly can't imagine my life without him and Gabby! When he's gone, I'll write a little tribute to my kitten friend. For now, I'll just go soak him up and give him some love.

Adelle 6 Months

2011-10-05T08:43:00.000+10:30

Lovely Girl,

Woweee kiddo, this month has been exciting! I swear it seemed like each day was a new adventure. Who needs African safaris or skydiving from airplanes when you have a six month old around?

Us girlies love each other

Earlier this month you mastered rolling from your back to your belly--and off you went! Rolling, rolling, rolling around! Then when that got old you started pivoting in all directions. Then when even that got old you got up onto hands and knees, sliding your legs back behind you and scooching backwards. You love to stand, too. You've got strong legs! A few weeks ago you were getting frustrated on your back and belly, so I'd help you sit. Each day I saw you get stronger until lo and behold just a few days ago you could do it yourself!

Sweetness of the sweet

Earlier this month I saw a switch flick in your brain when you suddenly recognized your favorite toy and grabbed for it. It was like I could here you thinking "HEY! That's mine! Gimme!" You pick something up and turn it this way and that, staring at it from all angles. You are grabbing for everything and you are fast, girl. It's like watching a movie in fast forward. One night when we went out for dinner your Dad sat down at the table and you immediately went for the fork in front of you. By the time he'd gotten that out of your death grip you had snapped up the napkin. Later, when I sat you on my lap I pushed my plate far enough away that I thought you couldn't get to it. How wrong I was. You had leaned forward, snatched up a handful of noodles, and began sucking on them before I could even blink an eye. All of this lends me to believe we are in BIG trouble once you are fully mobile.

We started giving you solid foods this month and guess what? You LOVE food. You haven't turned your nose up at anything I've put in front of you yet. Pumpkin, sweet potato, lentils, chicken, pork, beef, potato, carrot, apple, pear, egg, toast, avocado, peanut butter, cracker, broccoli, oats, cereal, pizza, pasta....oh and then there was the cheesecake. You loved it all, but when you ate the cheesecake you pumped your arms and legs excitedly and said "MMMMM....MMMMMM!! I suspect it may have been your favorite food so far.

First attempts at eating have worn you out

Sink bath! Just like your Mama used to have!

Here is your "I'm excited!" face

I'll tell you what....you are a social kid. You thrive on being in the center of things. We went to a birthday party on a night that you hadn't had a good nap all day. You fussed a teensy bit here and there, but overall you were happy and smiley. We went to another party and you stayed in the midst of things until you got too tired. Then we put you to bed in the other room and you stayed sleeping with all the noise around you for the longest stretch in weeks. You really like people. You like to study them mostly. You are, however, becoming aware of strangers more and more. You have started to cry a few times when people you don't know well try to pick you up. It's really cute the way your bottom lip puckers.

Brandy the dog in the background

Ready to plant one on me

You also learned how to give kisses this past week. At first I didn't realize what you were doing. Every morning I wake up and smile at you, then smother you with kisses. One morning you grabbed my hair and pulled me to you with a big open mouth which you planted right on my cheek. It took me a minute, but when I realized what you were doing it lit up my heart! Later that day you gave kisses to your Papa Graham, then to your Nana Sandy. You gave her kisses, then looked over at me. I smiled and told you what a sweet girl you are, so you turned back and gave her more kisses. This went on and on. It may have been the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Truly.

Each day you get more beautiful and I learn who You are a little better, and each day your Dad and I fall a little more in love with you. You are an absolute beam of sunshine in our lives (even if we are a little sleep deprived from all the night wakings!). We couldn't wish up anything in the world that would make us happier than you.

I can't wait to see what adventures this month brings!! I'm thinking crawling is in our near future....then the REAL adventure begins for you!

All my love, kisses, and hugs, Mama

Caitlyn

2011-10-03T17:24:00.000+10:30

I've heard of another little girl who needs our prayers. Little Caitlyn has stage 3 lymphoma. Damn cancer. She's going in for a month of treatments. Caitlyn, give that cancer hell. Kick it's butt!

It breaks my heart to think of any Little One going through such an ordeal. If you pray, add her to your list. If you don't pray, send her out some love in this moment. Then say a prayer for all sick kids out in the world.

Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes. But it sure is precious. Enjoy this day and all days.

World Milksharing Week Part V: Reflections

2011-09-30T09:44:00.000+09:30

Six months into our breastfeeding journey and everything has settled in well. Is it what I had expected? No. But, it's beautiful just the same. Looking around at the Getting to Know Your Baby (mother's group) that I attend Thursdays I see clearly that I'm not the only one out there who has had problems breastfeeding. I'm not the only one who's felt disappointed by it either. Then there are other Mamas out there who have posted on Human Milk 4 Human Babies looking for donor milk. So, I know I'm not alone in this, which is a comfort-although it saddens me as well.

There was a time when feeding was simply a means to an end between Adelle and I, but now I feel over the last several months we've gotten to really connect over breastfeeding. Adelle has started to 'ask' to be fed by nuzzling into my breasts, or grabbing at my shirt. She has started to take comfort in feeding and sometimes likes to linger even when the milk has slowed. She looks up at me and smiles, or studies my face inquisitively while touching it, or feels the textures of my shirts as she suckles. It's a gift for both of us. As hard as the first few months were I am so incredibly glad we got through them. I don't know how long our breastfeeding relationship will continue, but I hope for it's a while, even if it's just a feed before bedtime into toddler-hood. It will be up to the two of us when she stops-it is a relationship after all. No matter how long we continue, it was worth the work to get to this point. Each day I look at my girl as she feeds and I feel a stronger connection to her. I fall more in love with her. I cherish holding her close.

As she gets older and masters each new skill I'm reminded how fleeting this time of her life will be. One day when she's a teen and pushing me away as she asserts her independence, I'll have these memories to draw on....and so will she. What this breastfeeding relationship means to me, and what it hopefully translates to her, is that she can always come back to the comfort of her mother for nourishment.

It's hard to explain, but I think part of what I freaked out about at first was the complete shock at the weight of this responsibility--and the fact that I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I am responsible for the nourishment of another human being. On all levels. It's a lot to come to grips with and I needed help. I needed a lot of help. And on many levels.

A few months ago through this journey I realized that I was trying to figure out what kind of Mother I would be. Really, I don't think that question ever has a definitive answer. I think Motherhood always begs that question. Who will I be to this child at this moment? What does s/he need of me? What am I able to give? What do I want my child to gain from this experience and how can I support him/her? Breastfeeding seemed to be the answer to all of what I was asking. There were so many ideas that I let go of, but this was one I couldn't seem to.

To me, breastfeeding represented not only the physically best option for my daughter, but also it represented the bond I wanted to create with this new Life. In the end, milksharing helped me to remember one very important value that I hope to pass on to Adelle-'think outside of the box' or, perhaps more appropriate "don't get too attached to the way you think things should be." The answer isn't always A or B. Breastfeed or Formula Feed. 'There are other ways to accomplish what you are seeking that may not be the obvious answer. This is a lesson I learned long ago, but forgot in the fog of being a Newbie Mama. Milksharing helped me to maintain the bond I was hoping for even if it wasn't in the traditional sense.

World Milksharing Week Part IV: Milky Mamas

2011-09-28T09:34:00.000+09:30

The women who choose to share are the heart of milksharing. There are plenty of women and babies who need milk, but the circle wouldn't be complete without those Milky Mamas. So far Adelle has had eight women's milk, other than my own.

The first thing most people ask when I tell them I have chosen donor milk over formula is: "Is it safe?" To be clear, this exchange is not monitored by any health agency. It is done mother to mother and based on trust. In today's society and mind frame I understand this can be difficult for some people. We aren't a culture used to wetnursing or sharing breastmilk. I could go on a whole rant as to how women's bodies, the beautiful process of labor, and everything down to our monthly cycles has been made to be seen as something dirty, but I won't. I'll simply answer the question this way: I always ask if the donor has had a health screening and blood tests during pregnancy. Beyond that my view is that these women are giving their breaskmilk to their own child, so why wouldn't I trust that it is safe? Also, people are generally well meaning and helpful. If a woman is willing to go out of her way to help my child, would she really do so knowing that she is at risk for passing on disease? I don't believe so. I choose to trust the kindness and loving nature of these women.

The first two lots of milk I got were from mothers who had premature babes and pumped while in hospital. I never got to meet these mamas unfortunately, but am forever grateful because their rich milk lasted us months. Once it ran out and I started collecting smaller amounts from other mamas I began to meet the women behind the milk and got to hear their stories as to why they have extra and wanted to donate. All of them felt that after they'd worked to pump they'd hate to see the milk go to waste and would rather it go to a baby in need.

One Mama is tandem nursing two girls. Her older girl isn't always around, so Mama needs to pump to avoid mastitis. She's also now back to work so needs to pump while she's there. Another Mama wanted to give her son a bottle as well as breast, but he never took to it. So, she donates the milk to me and says it's something she wanted to do since her first child was born. The most recent donation I got was from a Mama who exclusively pumps and bottle feeds her daughter because breastfeeding hurt too much. Her supply is so abundant that after 9 weeks she had 9.5 extra liters of milk in her freezer! She literally couldn't fit any more into it! That's just a few stories, but all the women who have shared with us are beautiful souls and really lovely people. I'm happy to have met them.

I wish I could explain how lucky I feel that these women have chosen to share such a gift with us. I feel so honored to know them. I know Adelle loves their milk because she visibly gets excited for her extra milk. And I know it's done her good because she's thrived on it.

Of course there is part of me that wishes I could give her all she needs. After she had some big weight gains we tried weaning her off the donor milk, but after three weeks even though she had gained it was not enough weight to put my mind at ease that she didn't need the donor milk. When I put her back on the 150ml/day she started packing on the weight again. I had to put my ego aside and again be grateful that there were women out there willing to fill that need. I read this blog post recently and I loved what the mother said about receiving donated milk:

I am not a failure because I could not meet all the milk needs of my boys. I am a success because I managed to stay true to my core values of human milk for human babies. I could not have done this without the village community of the women who supported me and helped me feed my babies.

For me, other than the gift of nourishment for my child, the next greatest gift has been the very personal understanding of this bond called Motherhood. I've always enjoyed the Sisterhood I've felt with other women, but something changes when you go from Woman to Woman With Child. It's just a different type of connection between Mamas and the experience of that has touched me and nurtured me deeply.

A big thank you to all the Milky Mamas who have donated to us. Next time around if I'm able to donate I most certainly will be paying your generosity forward. You all have a special place in our hearts....and a very special place in Adelle's tummy!

World Milksharing Week Part III: SNS

2011-09-26T10:28:00.000+09:30

The SNS (Supplemental Nursing System). Ahhhh, the love/hate relationship I have with this device is complicated and hard to describe, but I will try my best.

The Australian Breastfeeding Association has a good description for those of you who have never heard of it:

This is a device that enables a baby to receive extra milk at the breast rather than by bottle and teat....It consists of a container that is worn on a cord around the mother's neck. Fine tubing carries expressed breastmilk or artificial baby milk from the container to the nipple. When the baby sucks at the breast, milk is drawn through the tubing into his mouth, along with any milk from the breast.

To say getting the hang of using this system is difficult is an understatement. You've got to get the hungry baby onto your boob and somehow get the tubing in as well. The line is thin and flexible so if you put any pressure on it with your finger while holding said boob it bows in the opposite direction you want it to go. Sometimes you get it into the baby's mouth just to see that nothing is coming through because it's not in the right position in the mouth to create suction. At first, it was impossible because I couldn't even get Adelle latched on properly and I was in so much pain I just needed the break from feeding. So, Paul and I would take turns putting the tube onto our finger and feeding Adelle. It took much longer and required a lot more suckling for Adelle than a bottle, which was good because I was afraid she'd decide a bottle was just easier and start refusing the breast altogether.

Eventually, with much awkwardness, we started using it at the breast to encourage my supply to increase (as the baby suckles milk is also drawn from the breast). I hated it. I felt like a failure, but at the same time I knew it was what was keeping us breastfeeding so I was grateful for it. It felt like a life-line and a noose all at once.

Some other reasons I don't like the SNS: it's awkward using it in public. Most people haven't ever seen it and it's not something I could ever make inconspicuous, so typically I would only use it around people that I know in a private arena. Still, for people or children who are seeing it for the first time it comes with questions. I don't mind questions, but it just made it more clear to me how much I didn't want to have to use it in public around people that I didn't know. For the record, I have no problem whatsoever breastfeeding in public. With the SNS though, I'd have to plan around outings and use it at other times of the day. Another reason for that is that it's not easy carrying around breastmilk like it is formula. I'd have to walk around with a cooler. I don't even like carrying a diaper bag, so ain't no way I'm carrying around a cooler!

I held onto the hope that we wouldn't need the SNS for long. At one point we were admitted to a place called Torrens House, a facility that helps women and babies with feeding and settling problems, and the nurse there said something about the possibility of having to always use the SNS. I started to cry on the spot at the thought of it. I thought being at Torrens House would help us to let go of the supply line. The most positive thing I got from being there though was the constant reassurance that everything was going fine with my breastfeeding relationship with Adelle. She was doing great! I was just so used to the pain and her not gaining enough weight at that point that I had become completely negative about the whole thing and being there gave me the confidence to relax....but I still wasn't ready to let go of the idea of stopping supplementation eventually.

Breastfeeding is a demand and supply relationship. The more Adelle demands, the more I feed, and the more milk I produce. So, I figured we'd slowly cut down on the amount of donor milk and I'd put her to the breast a bunch and all would be fine. For whatever reason, that's not the case for me. I've been working closely with a fantastic lactation consultant/midwife through Children and Family Services (a really wonderful and supportive agency in my experience) who was quite supportive and confident of Adelle weaning off the SNS. We tried everything we could, but because Adelle wasn't gaining much weight without it, we landed up sticking with the SNS and donor milk. I make sure to feed her until I'm sure she's drained my breast as much as possible (she lets me know the flow has slowed by pulling off and refusing to go back on).We only use it three times a day to top her up, but just that little extra seems to be exactly what she needs.

Now we're ol' pros at using the line. Adelle recognizes it and knows exactly what to do. As soon as I start to put it around my neck she gets excited for it just as she does when she first comes to my breast. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm grateful for the dang thing. It's allowed us to maintain our breastfeeding relationship better than using a bottle would have I think. I still hold out hope that we'll be able to let go of it once Adelle is more established onto solids, but......who knows. I've learned to stop trying to control the process and just enjoy the gift of breastfeeding. I am so proud that we've come this far. When I look down at my baby girl feeding from my boosm, whether it's a moment with or without the SNS, it gives me such a feeling of happiness. I know it does her too.

World Milksharing Week Part II: Liquid Gold

2011-09-25T09:58:00.000+09:30

I don't remember the exact timeline of events, but when Adelle was several weeks old I got mastitis. It was wretched. Breastfeeding was already painful and I wasn't coping well, so this added a whole new dimension to it. After the second round of mastitis was when my milk supply dipped, I think. Adelle stopped thriving and in a short period of time became skin and bones. My anxieties were getting worse. Many people kept telling me things would get better, but as I clung to that belief it seemed things were just getting more unbearable. The situation was beginning to spiral and I was very ready to give up on breastfeeding altogether. The reason I didn't wasn't out of stubbornness or ego, but simply because I firmly believe that breastmilk is what nature intended babies to have.

My birth advocate gave me the number of a client who had been through something similar and who landed up supplementing her son with formula, and later, donated breastmilk. Her name was Diana and I was blessed to have met her. Diana was very open about her experience, which was similar to mine in some ways and very different in others, but still I felt I was finally being heard by someone who understood exactly what I was feeling. I told her I was ready to go out and buy formula that night. I no longer believed I could provide my baby with what she needed. Diana then changed the course of my breastfeeding relationship with Adelle by telling me she would share some of the donated milk she had in her freezer from a woman who had had premature twins in hospital.

I was incredibly grateful for this option, and so late one cold night Paul and I left to make the hour long trip to pick up our first batch of donated milk. When we arrived Diana came out with a bag full of milk, books, herbs, and an SNS (supplemental nursing system) for us. It was like a Milky Christmas. She was so willing to share because she knew the feeling of desperation that I was in. She has always been generous with her time if I needed a chat or sent her an email with more questions. I hope one day I can pay her generosity forward to another woman in need.

Thus began my journey to readjust my expectations of what I thought breastfeeding would be like for us. I began to walk a fine line of being sure Adelle was getting enough milk, while trying to build my own supply, and hanging onto hope that I could eventually let go of the donor milk and supply line. I wanted to do what was best for her and in my eyes that was keeping her on breastmilk, but I had to make sure she was gaining weight in a way that Paul and I were comfortable with. Again, the point I want to make about this time period was the feeling of desperation and being torn between what I felt was the best thing for Adelle (keeping her exclusively on breastmilk) and putting her on formula (which up until this point I thought was my only other option).

I began topping Adelle up with donor milk as I worked on getting her latched properly to my breast and rebuilding my supply through frequent feedings, herbs, medication, and pumping. I never had much luck pumping, which is another reason why I am grateful for donor milk! When the first round of donor milk was running out I put up a request on the Human Milk 4 Human Babies Facebook page. Just about the time I started getting nervous that I would run out Diana sent me a message saying her son didn't need the donor milk any more and I could have what was left in her freezer. It was liters and liters of milk! Then I got a message from HM4HB from a woman about another huge batch of milk she had collected from a mama who had been in hospital with a premature baby. What a blessing and what a relief. This has been my experience with donor milk from that time on....any time we're in need, there are mamas to provide. Since that time I've never worried again and I've always trusted in the generosity of these loving women who so willingly share of themselves. On more than one occasion I've cried tears of gratitude and felt my heart expand for these donations of what we call liquid gold.

In years past, and in many cultures today, milksharing was and is normal. Since my Grandmother's generation when women were encouraged to put their babies on formula and start spoon feeding from a ridiculously early age it's somehow gone out of our social consciousness. Whenever I talk about home birthing, milksharing, and the like, I feel I need to put it out there that I do not judge anyone else's decisions. I personally am more comfortable with the option to milkshare than to use formula, but I know not everyone would feel that way. However, I also know that a LOT of people don't know that milksharing IS an option and I am a big believer in informed decisions. I would venture to guess that many would consider it if given the choice-especially knowing what we know today about the value of breastmilk to babies. To me breastmilk truly is liquid gold. Actually, I value it more than gold!

As hard as this journey has been at times, I am grateful that I have been given this opportunity to see into the heart of Motherhood and Women. I see the gifts I have received through this experience and that helps me to See in a much broader way. The chance to nourish my baby with other women's milk has nourished me in many ways as well.

World Milksharing Week Part 1: The Beginning

2011-09-24T12:19:00.000+09:30

In retrospect, there were several things I wish I had done differently.

I wish I had taken more responsibility. I wish I had done some reading or attended a lecture about breastfeeding before giving birth. I really had no idea what I was doing when Adelle was born and it never 'came naturally' to me the way I thought it would. I was nervous and unsure of myself. Instead of being informed and confident, instead of trusting Adelle to do what came naturally-- I fumbled, second guessed, got frustrated, felt hopeless, had anxiety attacks, and actually wished myself dead.

It makes sense to me now. How would I know what to do? I hadn't been around many breastfeeding women in my adult life. And, any time I had seen a woman breastfeed all I could see was the back of a baby's head. I had no clue what was happening on the other side of that head. In fact, I tried not to look too closely to respect the woman's privacy. I don't remember anyone telling me that breastfeeding would hurt before I gave birth. I certainly don't remember anyone telling me it would be excruciatingly painful. Everyone told me that after I started to complain about it.

If I had done some research, gone to an Australian Breastfeeding Association meeting or two, or talked to other women I would have known what to expect and what was outside of the range of normal. Nipple pain is pretty common, but three bouts of mastitis in 6 weeks and major scabbing on the nipples--I feel that part could have been avoided. Lets just say that only in the past few weeks has one of my nipples gotten back to it's original shape. Both my nipples had major gashes in them that took months to fill in with new flesh. Months. There was a time I thought they'd never look like they used to. I was just too focused, as most of us women are, on the laboring aspect and I assumed breastfeeding would 'just happen.'

I wish I had sought the help of a lactation consultant sooner than I did. I wish I had taken more responsibility and sought more help sooner for this aspect of motherhood because I would have saved myself a lot of anguish and pain. I would have saved poor Adelle having to fumble through with me. Thankfully, she's a patient, easy-going baby.

So, I wish I had done a few things differently. But it is what it is. It's easy to know what you'd do in retrospect, but harder to accept things for the way they are actually happening in the moment. I did a lot of struggling against the tide and it got us nowhere. After 5 months (at the writing of this post) I'm finally at the stage of acceptance. My journey through breastfeeding Adelle, a painful on many levels and most humbling experience, was my very first lesson in the scope of responsibility of being a parent, understanding the bond between mothers, and navigating the parent/child relationship.

In the end I feel strongly that Adelle and I are better off for sticking it out, I just can't help but feel a little bad for the way we started off. Still, without other Mamas cheering me on, without the organization Human Milk 4 Human Babies, and without the women willing to donate their Liquid Gold we wouldn't be able to say Adelle has been exclusively fed breastmilk for her whole life. We may have given up altogether, but we didn't have to because we always had donor milk in the freezer. For that I am truly grateful, for it has given us what I feel is the true gift of a loving breastfeeding relationship. Just last night when Adelle woke for the first time and she heard the 'snap snap' of my nursing bra being undone she waved her arms excitedly and reached out to pull me to her. As we snuggled into each other and I touched my nose to her head I could feel the contentedness floating between us. It was all worth it.

This week in honor of World Milksharing Week, I'm planning to post several more writings on my experience of breastfeeding, milksharing, and other aspects of those relationships. I'll talk about using the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System), how we came upon donor milk and what it means to us, the Milky Mamas who have donated, and what my breastfeeding relationship with Adelle is now. So, if you're interested in boobie talk stay tuned!

Adelle 5 months

2011-09-14T20:08:00.002+09:30

Dearest Girl,

This month you've rolled over from your back onto your side. That was fine for a few days, but now you're starting to get a bit frustrated that you can't get all the way over. Poor little thing. I cheated and helped you once and your little face lit up so bright! Just recently you started reaching out to touch my face (oh the sweetness of that!), my tea cup (it's not too hot), and whatever I'm eating. You touch the food, but don't pick it up yet. We've still got another month before you're ready for anything other than breastmilk.

Whoa you look like your Papa Graham here!

When you smile, you smile really big. The more excited you are the wider you open your mouth. It's really pretty cute. You're laughing more often which is the absolute joy of all joys. Overall, you are a very happy baby. You have, however, just discovered your mad voice--or shall I say squeal? You are practicing how to tell me "I don't like that!" Or "Mama, get here now!" At this point it makes me laugh. Check back with me on that in a few months though!

You are starting to understand that you are separate from me. When I try to put you down now you fuss, whereas before you didn't seem to mind. You are also discovering how to throw things. The other day while driving I saw a toy being ejected from your seat and flying across the car.

Right now you are in your crib chatting to yourself. Most of the time at night after our bedtime routine I lay you down and you put yourself to sleep. But first you have yourself a good chat. On the nights you need a little help to sleep, you rarely take more than a few minutes to doze off once I come back into the room. At the beginning of this month it wasn't getting to sleep you had a problem with--it was staying asleep. Just over the past few days though you seem to be settling back down again (fingers crossed!!).

This picture illustrates what the end of this month was like for you--grabbing EVERYthing!

Speaking of bedtime, when you get overly tired you not only get super chatty, but you become downright delirious! You start to giggle and get silly sometimes. You definitely take that from me. I can remember many times as a child bouncing off the walls and then crashing. We have our little nightly routine and I sing you a special song. As soon as I begin to sing you stop mid-gurgle and smile as if to say "That's nice, Mama." Then you go right back into your own stories telling me about all of the things you learned that day.

Your eyes are starting to change from slate blue to a lighter shade. There are still moments I look into those eyes and think "Is this really happening? Is this really my daughter?" From the moment I knew you were growing in my belly till now, well, it all seems like a dream. Today at the beach we saw a little two year old girl toddling around and I imagined you being that age. I can't think of the words to tell you the way that made my heart feel. It was a jumble of excitement and sadness, wonderment and nostalgia, and everything in between. I like you so much right now and I'm so looking forward to getting to know you better, but I don't want it to go too fast either!

Each day brings something new from you, and from week to week you seem like a different kid. Even while I take a few weeks to write this, so much has changed! All my life I wanted to grow up fast, and I looked to the next thing and the next, but now I want everything to slow down. I know this is something all parents feel. And I know time don't stop for nobody, baby. Your Dad said something the other day after having got you to giggle like a madwoman. He said "I'll never get that moment back, so I'm going to stop to enjoy as much as I can." He's a smart one that Daddy of yours.

Now in to our next month....where we start solids and who knows what other treats. It's all so much fun that every morning when you wake me up I give you a big smile to let you know how happy I am to see you. If there's one thing you carry in your heart from this part of your life, I hope it's that happiness.

All my love, Mama

Trick's on You

2011-08-26T16:14:00.000+09:30

Well, unintentionally I seem to have tricked a few people in my recent post about last year's wishes. I'm referring to Wish Number Two:

2. Enjoy and relish in the blessing of pregnancy (oh, did I mention I'm 8 weeks pregnant? More on that in another post).

Me? Pregnant again? Bwahahahaha Hoooooheeeehhaaaaaahehehehe. *slaps knee* Teeeheee Haaaaaaaaaaaaa *rolls on floor, laughing* Oh me, oh my. Excuse me, I just peed myself laughing.

For the record: I am NOT pregnant!! That was last year's wish, NOT this year's! A few poor souls contacted me asking when that makes me due. Oh, dear friends, if I fall pregnant again you can strap the straight jacket on and have me committed. Not that I don't love Adelle, but let's face it, lest I have not been coping as well as I would like. As mentioned in previous posts I've been grappling with Postnatal Depression and anxiety (which is off and on, depending on the day, how much sleep I've gotten, and which hormones are tap-dancing through my body at any given moment).

Ah hehe *sigh* It did give me a good laugh though and it would have made my in-laws really happy as they've been hinting toward Number Two recently (I'm trying to divert their attention to their own daughters, please God). No, no babies here for a few years if I have anything to say about it!

Just thought I'd clear that up for all ya'll who might've been scratching your heads wondering about that one.

Wishes

2011-08-24T21:05:00.001+09:30

Last year I wrote a list of wishes for my birthday....lets check back in to see how well I'm doing in regards to answered prayers, shall we?

1. Remain peaceful before/during/after our move to Australia (in other words, no nervous breakdowns).

Hmmmm....well if you look back into my archives, this one is debatable. I think I would have to be pretty close to enlightened to have remained completely peaceful, so I'd say I did well for a mere mortal.

2. Enjoy and relish in the blessing of pregnancy (oh, did I mention I'm 8 weeks pregnant? More on that in another post).

check this one off the list.....although being pregnant all seems like a dream now....perhaps that is because I'm in a constant state of sleep deprivation?

3. Have a safe delivery with little to no intervention.

check!

4. Have home birth or deliver at birthing center (depending on circumstance).

check!

5. Deliver 100% healthy baby.

check! THANKFULLY!

6. Find beautiful home to live that suits all our needs.

check! We even found one with a back yard for Merlin. It's also right around the corner from my in-laws which is super convenient when I haven't cooked dinner and we need to eat.

7. Live near the ocean.

check! Half a mile (1k)

8. Live near Paul's parents.

check!

9. Develop support network and strong friend community.

It's hard managing being a new mama and trying to maintain new friendships. I've met some lovely people that I'm grateful to call friends.

10. Find work that pays well and inspires/challenges in a positive way using all of my talents.

I don't have to work yet! YAY!

11. Work 10 hours a week or less. (It IS possible!)

When I do have to work I won't have to do more than 10 hours....YAY!

12. Regain daily yoga practice.

Um, er. NOT.

13. Meditate daily.

Haha Hoohoo HAAAAAAAA. NOT.

14. Learn to cook Indian cuisine.

Damn, I was on a roll until the last few.

15. Spend lots of time at the beach.

It's been winter and up until recently not really beach weather. I do wish I had walked more during my pregnancy, but my back was a mess. Now that we've had a few warm days we've gone to the beach a few times.

16. Learn how to drive on the left side of the road without killing/injuring anyone or myself.

check! phew!

17. Avoid all things poisonous or with deadly teeth in Australia.

check! double phew!

18. Get cats safely to Australia with minimal trauma to their fragile constitution (no kitty nervous breakdowns).

Dude, my cats are so cool. I guess I should have wished for them to remain physically healthy too...poor Merlin. His heart is still tickin' for the moment and hopefully he'll be with us a while longer.

19. Cats settle into new home comfortably.

I'd say they like it just fine.

20. Cats and Brandy (Paul's dog) become best of buddies.

I wouldn't say best of buddies....but they tolerated each other really well.

21. Mom visits Australia.

Don't think this one will happen

22. Matt visits Australia.

Nor this one.....

23. Every single friend and relative who wants to visit Australia finds a few thousand dollars laying around for said trip.

Ok, I was shooting for the stars

24. Become super-mom...

Bahahahahha she says with a crazed, glazed over, half asleep look in her eyes as she wipes spit-up off her shirt.

25. Breastfeed on command (as if I'll have a choice).

With lots of work to get there.....check!

26. Use cloth diapers to preserve the planet for the future of my children (I know you're thinking we're crazy on that one).

We use cloth the majority of the time, but disposables at night and when the cloth aren't done drying on the line.

27. Make baby food in blender.

She's not quite on solids yet, and when she is I'll most likely be doing Baby Led Weaning.

28. Make unbelievably good decisions in child-rearing so as to develop a healthy, loving relationship with child.

Adelle smiles and laughs an awful lot, so we must be doing something right!

29. Forgive Self if and when super-mom ideals fall through.

Working on this one....I am a perfectionist in my head, it's just that my life doesn't always turn out the way I have it planned in my mind. Again, very unenlightened I am.

30. Maintain loving, supportive, connected relationship with Paul.

Absolutely check.

31. Support Paul in his scholastic endeavors.

check.

32. Always see with clarity the blessings in my life.

Most of the time even when I'm feeling down in the dumps I can.

33. Maintain good health.

I haven't done too badly except for the hot cross buns and boat-loads of gravy I've been eating ;/

Overall, not too shabby! This year I have a short list:

Healthy, happy baby
Healthy, happy mama
Healthy, happy papa
Healthy, happy sleep habits (pretty please Adelle??)

Bedtime

2011-08-12T20:31:00.000+09:30

Here it is Friday night at 7:30pm. My husband is working and my other date is already in bed. Adelle has decided (after weeks of not sleeping well) that 7-7:30 is her bedtime. If she's kept up a minute after 7:30 she transforms into a back-arching screaming puddle of goo.

This is yet another one of those adjustments into parenthood that I'm trying to settle in to. I'm a night owl by nature. No matter how much sleep I get, getting up any time before 8am is against the grain. Of course, a 7pm bedtime means Adelle is usually up between 6-7am so there goes that idea! Naturally, I didn't expect to get lots of sleep-ins with a baby in residence. I'm not that silly. But, I didn't think about the fact that I'd want to get to bed as early as possible to keep my sanity.

One of the things I was most worried about becoming a mother was sleep deprivation. I don't do well without sleep. Everyone says "you just do it" and sure, I can take a night of little sleep. But two? Maybe. Three? Eh. Three weeks? Nah, I start to fray around the edges. So my solution has been to try to move my bedtime up to 9pm at the latest.

BUT, no matter what, I refuse to go to bed before 8pm! I just refuse! Call me crazy for expecting to get any sleep with a 4 month old. Call me crazy for not going to bed at the same time she does if I can't deal....but I need to have some grown up time. Besides, my body clock just doesn't want to sleep before 9pm really. No matter how tired I am, I get into bed and just lay there wide awake.

How about it y'all? How have you dealt with exhaustion? What have you done to keep it together? If you're a night owl like me, does your body clock ever adjust?

Adelle 4 Months

2011-08-08T18:12:00.000+09:30

Sweet Little Rabbit,

I am so lucky. I just put you down for your morning nap. You fall asleep so easily (usually) so long as you don't go past the point of exhausted. I have to listen to you when you tell me you are tired and then it only takes minutes for you to relax into sleep. We have fallen into a rhythm and most days go smoothly.

I'm lucky in so many ways, one being that I'm able to stay home with you. I never thought I'd want to be a Full-Time Mama, but I can't imagine leaving you now when you're so little. Sure, it can be boring at times (dishes and diapers are never really all that exciting) and sometimes no matter how smoothly our day has gone by the end of it I just want some Me time, but as I've learned it's all about perspective. I think of how I used to be lonely at times and how different my life was. I think of how I thought I'd never get to be a Mama and I can let go of frustrations. It's so easy to forget what you used to long for once you've got it. So, I try to live in gratitude, which is easy when I look at you and all I have surrounding me. I am grateful to be able to spend my days with you, Dad, Merlin, and Gabby.

You're a good kid. Pleasant. You smile often and study everything inquisitively. This last month was a big one as far as development goes. The past few weeks in particular we had a few rough days, followed by you rolling over and grabbing at objects more purposefully. These are called 'wonder weeks' apparently--when you get a bit overwhelmed by how your brain is changing. But, seeing you learn something new is so exciting it makes up for all the little grizzles.

You watch me intently every time I put something in my mouth. You are soooo interested in food. You are staring at people and trying to get their attention by making noises if they're not looking at you. You are starting to recognize other people besides me and Dad. Every time you see your Nana and Papa you light up. You're becoming more aware of your surroundings. You like to look at lights. You love music. Every time you start to grump because you're bored I sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or The Itsy Bitsy Spider and you go quiet and watch me. If I stop you say "Oooo Uhh" which means "Keep going, I like that." I really need to learn some new songs because let me tell you, those two are getting old fast.

We brought you to the family farm a few times this past week. It will be so fun when you're older! We can camp and go for walks and watch the cows play. You'll love it. We also took you to the beach the other day. What a great place this is for you to grow up....another thing to be grateful for.

As I'm sure you can sense, I am finally feeling more grounded in Motherhood, Adelle. I pulled out my yoga mat a few times this last week while you were sleeping and I felt that old familiar well of peace deep inside. I've been finding little ways to sneak in my practice here and there. Mantras as I do the dishes, breathing as I lay in bed, feeling my feet solid on the ground as I rock you to sleep, or neck rolls while I've got you wrapped to my chest. These moments are few and far between as it's easy for me to forget to connect to my Self and Spirit, and it's typical for Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to be replaying in my mind rather than a mantra, but the moments of remembering are getting closer together gradually. You keep me very much in the present which is a gift in and of itself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Post Script:

This has been written over the course of several weeks and although you still go down for a nap easily, you've decided to mostly take 45 minute naps instead of longer ones and you are waking up more often during the night. Just as soon as I was feeling confident you went and shook things up again! I started stressing out about whether or not I should do this or that or the other thing to get you to sleep, and I started pouting because I was feeling sleep deprived, but in the end I said "aw, bugger it." There are so many philosophies on how to get babies to sleep it was making my head swim. I've accepted that in this moment your sleep patterns are what they are. Luckily I don't have to work and Dad helps some, so we're managing.

It's funny--I had come to a place in life before you were born that I refused to live in fear. I'd pick up and travel across Europe, take the plunge into marriage, or move across the globe. If I felt fear creep in, I'd take that as a sign to step outside of my comfort zone, but since you've been born I'm like a little lamb cowering in the corner! Afraid the baby isn't sleeping enough! Nervous I might do something wrong or make a decision I'll regret. I'm learning to relax all over again and on a whole new level. What a shocker, I tell you.

You are my little Buddha, my guru. You are teaching me that of all the things I thought I knew, I know nothing. You are teaching me to see deeper into myself, to face the ugliest parts of Me, and to reach down into my depths to unearth gems. All of those parts of myself that were easy to ignore, were easy to pretend didn't exist before you arrived--the insecurities, the impatience, the tendency to quit, to be attached to results, the unrealistic perfectionism--have come bubbling up to the surface. Humility is my next greatest teacher. And surprisingly, I find that once I see who I am being in each moment, once I recognize who I truly am, the struggle dissolves. Usually, that is, and more easily whilst well rested.

On that note, cheers to another month of Life, Love, and Learning. May we enjoy each day more than the one before. With all my Love and Gratitude, Mama

World Breastfeeding Week and Milk Sharing

2011-08-05T20:54:00.001+09:30

This week is World Breastfeeding Week. Read about it here.

If you've been on my blog over the past few months you know that when Adelle was born I had major issues breastfeeding her. I had no clue what I was doing and just couldn't seem to get the hang of it. It was painful and caused me anxiety attacks. I'm still sad about those first few months, but I've accepted it and moved on. I've been able to do that mainly because of the support and help I received from Paul, his family, and some amazing mamas (Diana, I am particularly grateful for you).

There were many times during the first months of Adelle's life that I thought I'd have to give up and go to formula. The thought of it really tore me up. I practically made myself crazy to keep up breastfeeding and hoped to develope that bond I so wished for between Adelle and I. Because of the organization HM4HB (Human Milk for Human Babies) I have been able to continue breastfeeding Adelle and supplement her with donor milk from other mothers. While this is an intensely personal decision and one I'm sure many people may think strange, I feel the need to talk about it here in order to bring some light to the subject of milksharing.

I realize that most people in our society may think me crazy for not just giving Adelle formula, but I feel strongly that breast milk is the best source of nutrition for her (and there is loads of scientific evidence to support that). I certainly don't judge anyone for their decision if they've given their child formula. I myself was formula fed after the age of three months. However, if I have the choice of giving my child another woman's milk over formula I will choose breast milk every time. We drink cow's milk for goodness sake--why would it be strange or weird to give my baby another woman's milk? And if I had the ability I would gladly give my milk away. I would wet nurse if I could.

Think about it mamas of the world....if there were a hungry baby in front of you that needed to be fed and you were lactating....would you? Why or why not? I would and I would hope someone would do the same for my baby. There's nothing more natural in my eyes.

I am forever grateful for the women who have so generously shared in their abundant milk. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of the gift they've given my daughter and the peace of mind they've brought me. HM4HB is a relatively new organization. You can find chapters all over the globe on Facebook. Here is an interview with the founder of HM4HB, Emma Kwasnica. In it, she says:

What is your ultimate goal with HM4HB?

Emma: It is already happening. I am seeing healthier babies everywhere as a result of families having access to donor milk for them. If HM4HB provides access for even ONE baby to have human milk (who would otherwise be getting powdered infant formula), then my goal is accomplished. The other end goal for me is seeing women come BACK together, working together to feed the babies. Just as it used to be. The camraderie and the community-building between families that is taking place as a result of the sharing of human milk is wonderful. I am so thrilled HM4HB is bringing families together like this!

Well, it has happened. So, thank you Emma and thank you to all the women who have ever donated milk to a child. You are all Godesses in my eyes!

The Cats are in the Dog House

2011-08-01T21:12:00.001+09:30

I love my cats. Anyone who's read this blog knows how much I love my cats. I spent thousands of dollars flying them over here. We've poured money into vet bills. We sought out a rental with a back yard so Merlin could spend his last days in the sun.

But they are driving me insane.

When Merlin was sick we were feeding him any time he asked. Now that he's doing better and plumped up we have to watch his weight so it doesn't put too much pressure on his heart.....but he still demands food about 435 times per day. He sits by his bowl like a freakin' dog and meows incessantly. He wakes us up at all hours of the night purring in our faces for food.

This is not welcomed. Especially after I've just fallen to sleep after waking up with the baby for the second or third time.

Since we've moved Adelle from the bassinet to the crib we don't want the cats in there while she naps...one side of the crib is removed and it's attatched to our bed. We also decided a few nights ago that they couldn't sleep with us at night because they were waking her and us up. We need as much sleep as possible obviously.

Oh, but they protest. Gabby stands outside the bedroom door howling as though she's being skinned alive. Merlin scratches.

So Paul barricades the door with beanbags and all sorts of clever padding. It stops the scratching, but not the howling. Today while I tried to get Adelle to go back down after a very short nap after which she was extremely grumpy Gabby began to howl at the door....just as Adelle's eyes were closing. She woke her up.

I lost it. I opened the door and she scooted between my legs and under the bed. I chased her and threw things under the bed until she ran back out the door--all the while screaming at her like a lunatic. And all the while Adelle looking at me as though I'd lost my mind.

I had.

Not only do I feel like shit for these poor cats that are thoroghly confused as to why they've been ejected from the bedroom, but I feel even worse that Adelle saw me. I mean, is that what I want to model for my kid as to how to treat an animal?

Later I apologized to Gabby and we made up, but I don't expect she'll stop howling at the door any time soon. I love these furry critters so much, but at the moment I don't have a lot of extra energy to give. I had honestly thought that when I had a baby that nothing would change between me and these guys and I'm sad that I have so little to give them at the end of the day. Poor kitties.

Between the baby and the cats will we ever get enough sleep again? It's doubtful. So, off to bed I go at this early hour!

The Dishes Will Never be Done

2011-07-31T21:39:00.000+09:30

It was this week when I had another moment of letting go of what I thought I'd be like as a mama. I'm sure you other mamas know what I'm talking about....the moment you're standing in your kitchen looking at a pile of dishes, crap all over the counters, the milk in the fridge is out of date because you haven't gone shopping, and from where you're standing you can see a mountain of laundry. Oh, and it's 11am and you haven't brushed your teeth yet.

No? You're one of those mamas who can keep the house spotless? Ah well, I'm sure you had at least one other moment of letting go of what you thought your life would look like post-bringing-baby-home.

I thought I'd be a breastfeeding on demand, cosleeping, sling wearing, zen mama (drawing on all my yoga practice of course). The fact is, breastfeeding didn't go as planned. My baby is a squiggly worm so we attached her crib to the side of our bed so she can be close, but not up against me wriggling and waking me up every 30 minutes. I do use the sling quite often, but am considering certain cases a stroller may come in handy. And, I am so, so far from zen. I've been struggling with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Motherhood has stirred up a lot for me. I'm seeking help and I have lots of support thanks to Paul, his family, and the good ol' Australian government (they have a lot in place to help new mothers with PPD).

But, I also thought I'd be able to keep up the house easily. I mean, how hard is it to wash some dishes and hang out some laundry when you're not working? Sometimes I can keep it together, but sometimes like this week when Adelle has completely changed her sleep habits and I'm totally worn down and stressing that she's not getting enough sleep, I can't. The place goes to hell and the dishes, my worst most hated chore, pile up. We don't have a dishwasher so there are always either dishes in the sink or drying on the counter. I hate the way it looks, but today as I stood in that moment described above, I gave in to it. Who cares? I live a ten minute walk from the ocean and I haven't been down to the water front since I don't even know when. So I plopped Adelle in the Ergo carrier and went for a walk through the conservation park that runs along the coast and leads to my in-law's place. I went to visit my mother-in-law and to pretend that there were no dishes dirty in my sink.

So, things aren't turning out the way I thought they would. So what? I have to just keep reminding myself that everything is exactly as it should be. There is much to be grateful for, so why sweat the small stuff? I know this, but I forget as my brain spins every time I see those dishes creep into the sink. Ah well, maybe one day I'll be one of those mamas who can keep the house spic n' span.

Or, maybe not.

The Return of Me

2011-07-13T22:00:00.005+09:30

Today Paul and I went out for a lunch date. It just so happened that Adelle slept through most of it, which was heavenly because we really got to connect in a way we haven't in months and months--over good food and a glass of wine (one of my favorite ways to connect).
Of course, Miss Adelle decided that just as our lunch was put down in front of us would be a good time to wake up. Thankfully she hung out peacefully as we ate. Paul got a seafood platter which was yum, but I got the most orgasmic dish on the menu. Filet mignon wrapped in bacon over mashed potato with hollendaise sauce and mushrooms on the side. Then we splurged on cheesecake and fresh strawberries. Hence, this smile across my face.

There aren't many photos of me over the past several months. Its almost as though I've been erased from my own life. BUT, I felt the need to get a photo today and when I saw it I thought "Oh, there I am!" as if I'd been lost and I suddenly and unexpectedly came upon myself again.

Poor little Adelle looks betrayed in this photo as if to say "why didn't I get any steak mommy?" So here's a better photo for anyone out there who hasn't seen it on Facebook.

That's my girl. So sweet and happy. And that's what I felt today. Sweet and happy.

Adelle 3 Months

2011-06-30T12:13:00.001+09:30

Adelle,

You giggled the other day and I just about died. You are incredibly adorable. Your hair has a kink here and a wisp there, but when it's wet it's outright curly.

Goofy face! Notice that big curl on the side of your head....

Your eyelashes are re-di-cu-lous. They are so long and thick you look like a Kewpie doll. You are putting on weight and getting little chubs around your thighs. Ohhh how I love chubby baby thighs.

Things had been looking up the past few weeks ever since we went to see a midwife and lactation consultant, Nicole, at the Children and Family Health office. She was great and finally got us on the right track with breast feeding. I still had a lot of anxiety over whether we were 'getting it right' and after all we'd been through I asked her to refer us to a place called Torrens House. We were accepted there a few weeks ago--right as we were supposed to be moving into our new home (of course). It's okay though, this was way more important.

Anyway, Torrens House was sorta like a baby boot camp. Well, at least that's what I thought it would be. I envisioned the nurses being bulldogish with furrowed brows. Actually though, they were absolutely wonderful and I was shocked at how well you fell into the routine they set for you. My Mama Senses had been telling me the past few weeks that you were out of that newborn phase of needing to sleep whenever you felt like it and that more structure might suit you. Uh, yeah, that was confirmed when we were there and you transformed overnight. I'm so glad we went before we moved into our new place. I felt much more at ease afterward. It's still pretty amazing to me that these types of services are free here in Australia. It's times like these when I know I made the right decision to move. Sure, there are always problems within any government, but if you work the system right here you can really get the help you need most of the time. I certainly feel more support here than I did in America where I practically had to scream my way into a doctor's office with no insurance.

As soon as we graduated TH we got to move straight into our new house. That day we put you down for a nap (per our new baby regime) and went out to the back yard with a bottle of champagne. Dad shook it up and just as he was ready to pop the cork asked me what I wanted to toast to. I raised our empty glasses and shouted excitedly "to our new life!" and at that very moment you screamed out--how dare we leave you out of the celebration! Dad and I had a good laugh over that and we promptly put down the booze to attend to you. Don't you doubt for a minute that once we got you back to sleep we poured ourselves a glass, sunk down on our new couch, and stared out our new front window for a while. It was a pretty surreal feeling after over a year of work... we're finally where we set out to be.

It's been a relief to have our own space. One thing that is great about not having a lot of stuff is not having to unpack a lot of stuff. We're just taking our time bringing things here from your grandparents house which is all of 1k away! It's pretty barren looking, but in a way that's kinda nice because the space feels so open and roomy. Your Dad and I don't like clutter, so it'll be a practice to keep things simple.

Dad finally finished school for the semester and has a a whole month off. We get him all to ourselves in our new home! By the way, you should be really proud of him. Somehow he's managed to get really good grades even though you and I have required a lot of his attention. At first with all our struggles breastfeeding, not to mention becoming new parents, I know it was pretty stressful on him.

You've been chatting up a storm in the past few days. You make the most hilarious gurgling noises in the back of your throat. I swear you sound like Chewbacca! You have also been holding your head up better lately and I swear you were copying the sign for milk the other day when I was showing it to you. You've suddenly sprouted Fred Flintstone feet--they are huge compared to your legs! Every morning when you wake up you give me big smiles and my heart swells.

This journey of parenthood has quite frankly knocked me to my knees and humbled in a way that I could have never imagined. I've never felt so inadequate in my entire life! I just want to do everything right for you. I've discovered sides of myself that have surprised me (strengths and weaknesses both). You make me want to be a better person (What movie is that from? Oh right, As Good as it Gets).

Mama loves you sweet girl. I'm looking forward to the next month of joys, discoveries, and smiles. I'll be smothering you in hugs and kisses from now to eternity.

All my love and adoration, Mama
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest readers (if you're still out there),

Becoming a new mom obviously takes up a lot of my attention, but I miss you! I miss writing! I just haven't had access to a computer much with Paul using it most of the time for school. I'm hoping we figure out how to get me a cheap one so I can stay connected to friends and family...and keep up my creative outlet. Oh, and so I don't get nutty only having a baby to talk to all day. I mean, I like to talk and I love to hear her talk back to me, but adult interaction is nice too ;)

Hang in there...fingers crossed a computer comes my way soon!

Adelle 2 Months

2011-05-30T13:41:00.001+09:30

May 27, 2011

Dearest Adelle,

Two months have gone by in a blur, haven't they? For so long you studied our faces with furrowed brows wondering "Who the hell are you people?" Now, since we comply with all your demands you've decided we must not be so bad, and you greet us with smiles. Like every other parent on the planet we make a big fuss and light up with joy at every one.

We are still working on breastfeeding. It seems we take one step forward and get set one step back. I had mastitis again and then we got thrush, so we're back to square one in a sense. I've tried so hard to make it all work, but I think it is time to start thinking about the long term. I've tried every trick in the book, all while making sure you're getting enough in your belly, but I just can't see keeping up all this pumping, heat pads, feeding tubes, herbal supplementing, and so on for too much longer. It's beginning to take over our lives and I feel a little like a dairy cow who's only plot in life is to eat and be milked. I'm not sure what we'll land up doing in the long run. I'm still trying to decide what would be best, but whatever happens I want to make sure you are fed and we are able to enjoy each other. Really, that's all I've ever wanted and I'm pretty sure it's all you've ever wanted too.

We're starting to get to know you better each day. You enjoy sleeping just like your mama and papa. You sleep for up to seven hours at night. Hallelujah and thank you child. Sometimes you wake after a long sleep and it takes your tummy a while to wake up. You get that from me. You often wake up happy to look around for a bit, smiling and cooing for us. You definitely DON'T get that from me! Although, I will admit, waking up to see your gorgeous blue eyes looking into mine has made mornings pleasant rather than just tolerable. When you are awake you like to study your surroundings, you like to be walked around or laid on your back to have a look around, you absolutely love being sung to (even though none of us have a particularly good singing voice), you prefer a shower to a bath, and when you are ready to sleep again you are easily soothed. I hope one day you are blessed with a baby exactly like you!

You've got your papa wrapped around your little finger, which is no surprise. He has more patience than me at times, I'll admit. He is totally hands on with you. He still changes the majority of your diapers--he's even happy to do it! Yes, he's a little bit strange. Although truthfully, I think apart from it being his special duty (or, shall we say doody) he likes the excuse to stop his studies. He loves bringing you in the shower with him and he is especially proud at his ability to get you to sleep. You just melt right into his chest like it's the safest place in all of the world. One day you can thank me for picking him as your papa. I guess I can't take all of the credit though. Your Nana Sandy has helped take care of you bunches too. She's in love with you and sings to you all the time. She's the one who taught papa how to take such good care of people.

I am still trying to cope with all the big changes that have happened in the past year. It's all been pretty amazing, but I think my coping mechanisms are pretty shot at this point. Actually, if I'm being perfectly honest I've been a hot mess for quite some time now. I wonder if people look at me and think how poorly I'm managing. I hear people tell me that I don't have to be perfect, but I feel like I'm just trying to scrape by with my sanity. I hear people telling me what a strong woman I am, but I feel more like a basket case. Fingers crossed that by the time you are old enough to actually have memories of me that I've gotten myself together. Maybe I'm too hard on myself and it could be that a lesson I have to learn is to be more gentle with myself.

I always wondered what my parents were like back when I was a kid. I write these letters to you and wonder if one day you'll read them over and over hoping to know who I was at this moment. Will I be so different then that you don't even recognize me in these writings? What will our relationship be like? How will we relate to one another? And what will you think when you read all of this? I know I think about what you'll be like as you move into the toddler years, teenage years, and womanhood. I wonder how much of what I foster will take hold and how you'll grow into yourself with your own ideas. I wonder if I'll often find myself looking at you thinking how much you remind me of your father, or grandparents, or myself.

I also write to you so that I don't forget. Already your birth seems like a distant memory. Were you ever really growing inside of me or did I dream that? I know motherhood will change me and I know I'll forget all the little details of your baby months, so I want to put as much down as I can. Already I feel time whizzing by and I hope I can steal moments like this morning to write to you often.

Something tells me I don't have much quiet time left this morning and that soon you'll be giving me the what for again....

I love you sweet baby girl, Mama

Adelle's Birth Story

2011-05-22T09:12:00.000+09:30

March 27, 2011

Baby Adelle,

Let me tell you a story about an end and a beginning. This story takes place over a very short period of time, only twelve hours, but being as it was the end of Life As We Knew It, the beginning of Motherhood for me, and the beginning of Life for you, it is a significant one. It's the story of our journey through your coming into this world.

The night before you came to us your Papa and I went out for our friend Jimmy's birthday. I had come to terms with waiting and being patient for your arrival, so I was feeling really relaxed, but tired. I joked with Jimmy that I wished you had come on his birthday for him (the 25th), but that I didn't see it happening any time soon! I let him have a feel of my belly, but it was so hard and contracted we couldn't get a good feel for you at all.

That night Papa and I went to bed around 12:30am. Had I known what time you'd wake me up, I would have gone to bed much earlier. At 3:00am I woke up for a pee and really struggled to get to the toilet. I thought something felt strange, but I didn't want to get my hopes up so I dismissed it and went back to bed. I laid there drifting between sleep and wakefulness. I was meant to go to the farmer's market with my friend Skye and I kept half dreaming I was texting her saying "ABORT MISSION! I'm in labor!"

Then it all started. At 330am I felt a gush of something. It happened again. And again. It reminded me of when a garden hose gets turned on and water is working it's way through some air pockets. Glug. Glug. Glug. So I got up and went to the toilet again. I saw my pants were saturated, so I walked back toward the bedroom grabbing a towel on my way. I woke Papa as I sat on the towel and handed him my pants. I could see by the look on his face he didn't really believe it was time until we both saw another big gush come onto the towel. That was it! The excitement hit and we knew we'd be meeting you soon! We thought to get a few more hours sleep, but it just wasn't going to happen. The gushes kept coming and I was way too wound up. I started praying for the strength and calm I was going to need.

Leading up to 5:30am my contractions became more regular. They weren't very intense at this point, but I timed a few and they were less than 4 minutes apart. My body was doing everything it was meant to do! Up until then I hadn't wanted to call Lisa, but when we realized how regularly the contractions were coming, we knew it was time. We called Lisa and she didn't answer. I knew there was another woman just past her due date and I told Papa "I bet she's at the other birth!" She was, but the baby had just been born and she called us a few minutes later. Actually, you'd be the third birth in 24 hours that Lisa and Hannah attended.

We packed up slowly. We had to take your Grandparent's car because our car-seat wasn't installed yet and theirs was (I hadn't bother bugging Dad about it because I thought we had more time!). We had some disposable diapers for you so we wouldn't ruin your cloth ones with meconium. I threw one on to absorb the fluid still leaking out of me, hopped in the car with towels underneath me too, and we were on our way. By the time we left the house it was 7:00am.

I hated the car ride to Lisa's place. That 40 minutes in the car with a seat belt on were torture for me. I just wanted to be able to move! Finally we got there, we let ourselves in, and Papa started to unpack the car. I knelt in front of the coffee table and used it to rest my head as each contraction came. They were getting stronger now and as I rested my head I'd move my hips and breath. Hannah arrived and we all chatted happily. The contractions slowed, so we all got more quiet and they started back up again.

The contractions picked up pretty quickly, especially when I sat on the toilet, and by the time Lisa arrived she didn't think we'd have time to set up the pool the way I was looking. So, I labored on. I got on hands and knees and moved with the contractions.

I rested in between. I tried standing but didn't like that. At one point I laid on my side on the mattress with one leg resting over the couch. Dad laid with me. The whole time I labored he was so attentive, grabbing my hand, whispering encouragement in my ear. Later he told me he tried not to over-load me with talking because he remembered me commenting on a birth we watched. I didn't remember, but apparently I noticed that the father was over coaching the woman and said if I were her I'd want to smack him. Dad somehow did find the perfect balance and managed to say just the right things at the right time.

At one point the strong contractions that had caused us to suspect I'd be pushing soon seemed to go on forever. During this phase I was feeling pretty nauseous with each contraction and threw up 3 or 4 times. Also, I knew a contraction was on it's way because I'd start shivering as if I were cold so someone would cover me up, then during the contraction I'd be sweltering and throw the covers off.

I wasn't aware of time because there were no clocks around--thankfully. But, I knew it had been a while and I was having an increasingly hard time working with the contractions instead of against them.

Lisa checked your heart rate and you were doing just fine (she or Hannah only did this 3 or 4 times during the whole labor). She asked me what the contractions felt like and where they were because she saw me bearing down with them. It helped me feel better during, but I didn't feel it was helping you move. I was surprised at what a hard time I had describing the sensations I was feeling and where they were. I felt a little foreign in my own body. She asked if I wanted her to have a feel of my cervix and I said yes. She felt a small lip on the stomach side of my cervix and thought filling up the pool was in order at this time. I happily agreed since I was starting to feel tired and like I wasn't getting anywhere. Later I found out I was in this transition for more than 4 hours.

In the meantime Dad and I laid down again and we drifted off between contractions-yes, it IS possible to sleep between contractions believe it or not. During the contractions we'd both wake just enough to get through one.

I was surprised and relieved how quickly the pool got set up. I gladly got in and Lisa told me to float as flat on my back as possible and relax as much as possible to allow for the lip to move. She went to take a rest while Hannah watched over me with Dad. They rotated wash cloths from the fridge to pat me down. That was such a relief feeling the warmth of the pool and the cool of the cloth. All of a sudden my body started to do something different. I'd have one big contraction and let my body follow it's instinctual movements, some bloody show would whoosh out into the pool, and I could feel the cervix opening. I felt it right where Lisa had touched the lip of the cervix.

Finally I felt like switching positions and got onto my knees.

I took a feel inside and felt your head! It was still way up high, but I could feel it for sure. I felt encouraged to keep going and follow the pushing instincts that were still rushing through me.

It was hard work. There was an internal war going on in my head. I was caught between "I just want to push this baby out" and "I don't want to push. It's too hard!" At one point I had to keep reminding myself that every push would bring you closer. Eventually I felt like I wanted out of the pool because I was feeling too hot. Back to the bed. Lisa and Hannah brought over a mirror (a huge one!) so Papa and I could see what was happening. Your father was amazed. We could see your hair and a teeny bit of your scalp. We both took a turn taking a feel. Papa got a little teary. The pushing went on for a while and my instincts were to push into my feet and lift my butt up. It was a good thing Lisa and Hannah were there to tell me to relax and bear down. Even after they told me several times and I knew it felt right, I had to keep reminding myself because up would go my butt again!

Finally I decided to go sit on the toilet. This was when things really started happening. You were crowning more and more. Lisa started to explain to me what I'd have to do if I chose to stay on the toilet. I don't even know what she said because I was in such a daze, but I know I thought "hell no!" and got off the toilet and onto the floor. I was on my hands and knees and Papa was behind me. He was looking underneath me to see what was going on. I could hear him saying things and I knew he was excited and blown away by what he was seeing. Lisa and Hannah were in front of me and they were shining flashlights, taking pictures, and trying to see what was going on too. I later joked that I felt like a car with people buzzing around my chassis! I didn't mind though because it was all so exciting and, well, I had other things to worry about in that moment! I continued to push.

When your head was working it's way out those last few pushes I have to tell you I wasn't prepared for that level of pain. Thankfully it didn't last so long. A lot of women call this the ring of fire--the moment when the head emerges. I don't remember the "fire" sensation so much as feeling like I'd rip in two and, sorry to say, my clitoris would burst. It sounds horrible. It was! But it was over fairly quickly and I forgot about it fast because when your head came out you were crying like a little lamb. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard. I could hear you, but not see you, and I could feel the reverberation of your little mews all the way up my birth canal! Amazing.

I remember sitting there on all fours thinking "okay, that's done. Oh wait, there's still the shoulders and body. I thought they just slid out a few seconds later with the next contraction? Where's the next contraction?" I was there for several minutes waiting, with no urge to push and your head out, hearing you mew. Finally the next contraction and a few pushes and there you were!

Hannah pulled you in between my legs, unraveled the cord from around you, and placed you in front of me. I saw you in all your beautiful glory! A girl! You were born at 3:16pm. I picked you up and sat back to rest in the door jam.

Papa and I both just stared at you and touched you as Lisa and Hannah faded into the background. You cried and squealed for several minutes. We knew your lungs were working!

Those were the sweetest cries we'd ever heard. We just sat there in awe talking to you. A few minutes later I was ready to move to the bed. I used more of the disposable diapers for all the blood.

Pausing there for a moment, I want to tell you part of your birth story that didn't happen in the same room we were in. I have a sister-friend, Breana. We were born the same day and met while I lived in California. You'll get to meet her one day. On the day you were born I had sent her a message telling her you were coming, but I didn't know she was away for the weekend for a woman's retreat with about ten of her friends and no internet! A mutual friend of ours, Danielle, saw on Facebook that I was in labor and called the retreat center. They left a message on a community message board and Leah, another friend of ours found it. She went running through the woods to tell Breana. I know several women in the group and they talked about us and thought about us. It was night time where they were, and around the same time you were crowning this is what Amy told me was happening:

Imagine this: a natural hot spring pool made of river rocks, evergreen boughs creating a natural canopy over us as we slide into the hot water in the pitch black of night. We all rest for a moment and we start ...talking about you and sending love to you and someone suggests we Om for you. So Savvy begins, and soon the entire pool and meadow next to us is filled with the loving vibrations of our voices and energy as we "Oooooooooommmmmmmmmm". After 3-4 Oms, we stop and savor in the precious few moments as we dwell on you and Paul and that sweet baby preparing or freshly being born. It was pitch black except for one small flashlight held up by the side of the pool.

What an awesome energy for you to ride into this earth on. That was some powerful womanly energy and knowing that fills my heart with Love and Joy. You were welcomed as a woman by strong, loving, mothering women's energy and surrounded by the Love of your Mother and Father.

Jai (Victory)! I feel so blessed that you came into the world this way.

To finish up your story, I laid down with you for a while. Dad and I just stared at you. A short time later (maybe half an hour?) I delivered the placenta. It was super easy, but at that point I was so sick of pushing. We left you attached for quite some time as we continued to bond. When the time came, Hannah tied off the cord and Dad cut it (he had a bit of a hard time at first). As he was cutting I cried for the first time saying "well, you're really on your own now--that's the first of many letting go moments for me" which didn't really make sense since you and the placenta were already birthed, but I suppose it was more symbolic.

At some point your father was holding you and having a good look into your eyes. We had talked about your name and settled on two choices: Adelle and Elise. I had been extremely drawn to the name Adelle. He hadn't liked it much but had agreed to keep it as a possibility because I felt so strongly about it. As he studied you he asked me what I thought your name should be. I was feeling so happy and dreamy that I wasn't in a big rush to name you. I figured it would come soon enough. You can imagine how surprised I was when he came out and said "You're no Elise. You're an Adelle."

Lisa checked me out and I had no tears-just a tiny nick. We decided to bath you in the pool as you were absolutely covered in blood and vernix. I was too so Lisa and Hannah gave me a sponge bath. I felt like a Godess--one who'd just been through the trenches of war!! We all got take-away Chinese food. After we'd eaten and a few hours had passed Lisa and Hannah left us to be alone together as a family for the first time.

We drifted off to sleep, you laying on my chest.

And that, my darling daughter, is the story of how you came to be on this earth and the beginning of your own journey toward Womanhood. It's a beautiful story and one I hope to tell you many times.

You have our Hearts and our Boundless Love always, Mama and Papa

The Greats

2011-05-21T15:56:00.000+09:30

Yesterday we went to visit Paul's Grandparents, Adelle's Great Grandparents, Nana and Dada.

Paul's mom and her mother

Dada

Don't tell anyone, but when I saw Nana my throat tightened and tears welled in my eyes because I suddenly imagined bringing Adelle to visit my Gram.

Of course the sun was in the worst spot for picture taking.....

She kept looking at Adelle and smiling at her as the rest of us chattered. I think seeing her really made Nana's day. We all commented on how funny life is....if it wasn't for Nana and Dada getting together then Sandy, my mother-in-law, wouldn't have been born and Paul wouldn't have been born and Adelle wouldn't be here. Taking it another step further, I've thought about how if I didn't get pregnant when I did it would have been a totally different egg that got fertilized, and if it had been any one of millions of other sperm we would have a completely different baby.

Imagine that? I can't.

I moved the crew to a better spot and tried to take a photo of the four generations. Little Miss Adelle wasn't cooperating. The little diva requires fresh milk before a photo shoot, and since we did not comply....

....well, you see we all got told off. This girl don't mess around.

Now that things are settling in and I'm getting more and more grounded again every day I'm finally starting to register that ache in my heart to show my baby to my loved ones. Paul and I are starting to talk plans for a visit, but when and for how long remains to be decided.

I'm looking forward to that.
~

A Heavenly Equation

2011-05-14T17:13:00.000+09:30

Sleeping baby + sleeping husband + Me + iPod + lavender oil + bath + breathing + tub yoga = My Idea of Heaven

My mom has told me how much my dad loved baths. Maybe that's where I get my obsession from. Before I got pregnant I had at least one bath a week. I missed baths when I was pregnant (I was told you're not supposed to take a bath over 100 degrees while pregnant. I don't know if that's hogwash or what but who wants a luke warm bath? Not I.)

I've been all consumed with getting this breast feeding situation sorted out. It is slowly getting better, but it's work and it takes up a good chunk of the day. When I'm not feeding Adelle I'm pumping. When I'm not pumping I'm cleaning the supplies. When I'm not cleaning the supplies my brain is thinking about something to do with feeding.

Finding an opportunity to sneak away to a bath was absolute bliss. I feel like myself again instead of some filthy unshowered breast obsessed lunatic. Although, I didn't completely escape....because of the warm water I was leaking milk into the tub. Well, at least it's good for my skin. Throw in a little oatmeal and I would have had myself a whole spa experience right here at home.

It felt good to be in my body again in a way not related to feeding. I hope I can find a few minutes here and there every day to recharge this way. If not, I may start going really crazy and start talking to my breasts as if they had a life of their own. Or, at least talking to anyone and everyone about my breasts and feeding---including the girl at the check out counter and the mail man.

Lets hope I can avoid becoming that woman.
~

Mother Nature

2011-05-12T12:33:00.000+09:30

It is true....Mother Nature is all around us. I see her everwhere all around my house.

My favorite little rabbit.....

Hey, I thought rabbits ate carrots?

A baby ducking who sleeps sitting up

A beautiful butterfly in her cocoon

And....

AAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKK

*spine shivers*

This is just to prove that we don't only take photos of babies and cats around here.

This fellow was rescued by our back door and relocated to a nearby empty lot where a magpie bird promptly flew down and ate him for lunch.

Ahhh Mother Nature at her best.

A Belated Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-10T21:18:00.000+09:30

There's one thing I've learned since becoming a mother (other than how much I love my girl and confirmation that I picked the right man to marry). Motherhood is a bond between women that is stronger than I ever imagined. Not only do I feel my heart expand with love for Adelle and Paul, but I have also experienced this new sisterhood that I totally didn't expect. When mama friends found out I was having a hard time they rallied around me to hold me up. I got messages of encouragement from friends afar, and from my new community of mama friends at The Birth Place I got calls. And calls. And text messages. You remember that scene from Lady and the Tramp? When the dogs pass a message from one another across miles and miles? That was what it was like. It was so sweet and touching. Oh, and from a woman I'd never met, who is now a friend, I got a book, herbs, and donor milk. Amazing.

So, happy mother's day to all the women of the world who step up to help another mama in her time of need.

I spent my mothers day in bed with my munchkin. I took the day to dive into motherhood (again) and give myself over to Adelle. The story is-I went from a completely natural birth with no interventions, to using any means necessary to make breast feeding work for Adelle and I. It certainly wasn't what I expected or wanted, but I'm learning to accept what it is. I kept fighting what was going on, but ultimately it came down to this: I wasn't happy with Adelle's weight gain. At all.

I think there were several factors, the main one being a poor latch. She obviously wasn't getting what she needed, so I called in a lactation consultant twice to help me with the latching issue and landed up getting a prescription to increase my milk supply (funny-it's an anti-nausea med that has a side effect of increasing the hormone related to lactation), pumping several times a day, using herbs, and using the breast milk that was donated. Adelle sucks it through a tiny tube while I'm breast feeding (this helps to continue draining my breast and stimulating my brain/body to produce milk all while she's getting more of what she needs).

I hope that this doesn't have to continue much longer because it is a shit-load of work, but it will be worth it. As tempting as it is to go to formula, every time I think of that option I just can't bring myself to do it. So, I'm doing everything I can to care for Adelle and get this working.

We've made some progress. She's latching better most of the time, so that's not as much of a struggle. I hated that it was a struggle because it became a struggle between us--her just wanting to get on there and eat and me wanting to preserve my nipples plus wanting her to get as much as possible out of the feed. She was also getting frustrated when she'd get on the breast and the milk didn't come as fast as she'd like, so the tube of milk resolves that frustration as she learns to latch and suckle better and the hope is that soon I'll be squirting out milk like a Jersey cow.

And I think that's about all I need to talk about as far as my breasts.

As I finish editing this I have a sleeping babe resting on my chest. She has a full belly and a wet diaper that needs to be changed. That is the best mother's day gift I could ever get.

Where I'm At

2011-05-05T18:56:00.000+09:30

I had a lovely visit today with a new friend, Karlie, who happens to be a yoga teacher. We talked about life and a little about yoga. She'd read some of my blog posts labeled "yoga" and so I got to thinking. I went back and read some of those posts after she left and as Adelle slept.

First of all, I had to laugh at myself. One recurring theme within my writing about yoga was how little I do it, or how I struggle to get on the mat. But, I also noticed something else which I had mentioned to Karlie. I feel so disconnected from all which I have learned from my practice on and off the mat.

Like, for example, I know that pain and suffering are a part of Life. I know and have practiced acceptance by "sitting with" my emotions and experiences, no matter how uncomfortable. I've practiced not trying to change any experience. However, I feel all I've been doing the past five weeks has been struggling to avoid what I'm experiencing. The difficulties I've had trying to breastfeed, and the pain that my body has gone through because of that, have had me trying to run from "What Is." All I want is for it to be different. I want it to come naturally and not to hurt. There has been no acceptance on my part. Once again I am left to realize how little I know and how these lessons are not meant to be learned once.

I know I've mentioned my breastfeeding difficulties here and how hard it's made it to enjoy getting to know Adelle, but still I've avoided writing here because for one there's not much more to say than that. I've also been feeling a little like I've been in a black hole for five weeks, and even though I've heard other people talk about their difficult times, it's hard to admit how hard this past month has been. I feel lousy that it's been a struggle because of the breastfeeding. Having a baby is supposed to be blissful and joyous. It's supposed to be all sunshine and smiles, right?

But, the sun is peeking out again. Paul has been amazing, stepping in to help whenever I need it. I've gotten a lot of help from my in-laws. I'm making friends. I had a lactation consultant come by the other day and the tips she gave me are helping. Slowly, I'm feeling more and more myself again every day.

Myself, but different. Myself as a wife. Myself with a baby. Myself as an Australian resident. So, the hope is that all that I've learned in the past resurfaces to help me be the Me I'm meant to be in this moment.

Jai! (One translation of this I've heard is: Victory for the True Self!)
~

Another New Home

2011-05-03T15:11:00.000+09:30

We are so excited! We just got approved for a rental property! It's a small three bedroom house with a fenced in back yard for the cats! It's great too because it's right around the corner from my in-laws so we will still be close to our support system.

We are so grateful to my in-laws for providing us a home the past few months, but we're really excited to be getting our own space again. We move in June 6th, which seems far away, but we need the time for our extra government baby benefits to go through and to accumulate things like a couch!

Our own space. Ahhhh. I can walk around naked again! Lucky Paul! I can fart whenever I want. Lucky Paul? One bedroom will be a real bedroom, one will be a study room, and one will be a meditation/yoga room for me (as if I'll have sooooo much time for that, huh?). And Merlin will have a yard to spend the rest of his days roaming and sunning.

Life is good.

Happy Birthdays

2011-04-30T11:44:00.000+09:30

A few days ago little Miss Adelle turned one month old.

Mama tried to get a picture without her binkie, but....

No such luck!

Today is my beautiful husband's birthday. Life has been a whirlwind ever since we met. I wouldn't have it any other way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, Merlin and Adelle had a love fest again the other day....

M.I.A.

2011-04-22T14:24:00.001+09:30

Yes folks, I was missing in action for a while there. Dealing with the breastfeeding issue (oh and, you know, the general adjusting to being a mama) caught up with me and, quite honestly, swallowed me up for a while there.

You'll be happy to know, as I am, that we are over the worst of it. Every day I'm feeling more confident, Adelle and I are working together to get a good latch, and my poor beaten-up nipples are recovering. I've even had moments of painless nursing and squeal-free latching. Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

One of the worst things about all of this has been that it's made it hard to enjoy these first few weeks of getting to know Adelle. I've felt torn by wanting to care for her-a strong maternal instinct which is what kept me going working on breast feeding rather than giving up-and the instinct to go running out the front door every time she screamed for a feed. I have been shocked at the amount of anxiety that has come up for me these past few weeks. I'm putting it down to body trauma. The experience of giving birth, albeit the experience I was hoping for, was still trauma to my body, the recovery being harder than what I expected (I'm really not sure what I expected in my naivete'), and the pain of breastfeeding left me feeling as if all of my nerves were firing constantly and simultaneously. At one point I was sitting in my chair trying to breath and I felt like my body was covered in thousands of spark plugs firing all at once. My nerves were shot and breathing was pretty difficult, never mind relaxing...it did eventually help though.

Everyone says to enjoy this time, but I'll admit knowing that I'm not alone in feeling this, that it's pretty damn hard at times while struggling to feed this beautiful child and attempting to adjust to being a new mama. This whole process has brought up major feelings of inadequacy. There's also the feeling of "whoa, this is like really hard work and it's never going to end" which hits me every night around 7pm when I'm exhausted and know there's still a bed time feeding, getting up in the middle of the night, and then waking up the next day to do it all over again.

I share this because I know there's no way I'm alone in these feelings and I'm not in the slightest bit ashamed of them. There is guilt over the feelings though. This is just my experience and it's only one part of it. There are many moments of heart melting sweetness, like when Miss Adelle is studying my face with a seriously confused look, or when I hear her quiet and nuzzle into Paul's chest and I see his face soften looking down at her, or when we snuggle in for our bed-time feed and I rub her tiny little baby back, or when I hear her making those funny newborn groans, snorts, and sighs.

I love her.

I love that she's a part of Paul.

I love who she is right now and who she will become.

I love her like she's always been a part of my life.

I love that lil' stinker more each day.

Who knew?

2011-04-13T10:25:00.000+09:30

Who knew that (for me) breastfeeding would be harder than birthing? I've pretty much lost track of the days, but I think I'm on day 6 of mastitis now.

The first two days were the left boob. That cleared up fairly quickly with massage, feeding, and the grated potato placed on the red areas of the breast to draw out inflammation. It was bad, but not that bad.

At the end of day two, just when I was feeling better, I felt a lump forming on my right breast and set straight to soaking it in hot water and started massaging. When I woke up the next morning there was that familiar red blotch creeping across my breast. I was devastated and started to cry....again.

Backing up for a moment, I was struggling before the mastitis even set in. Breastfeeding hurts y'all. How was I completely clueless to this? I mean I guess I'd heard women talk of it in passing, but nobody ever made a huge deal out of it. Getting the proper latch is friggin hard--or at least it was for me. And, if you don't get the proper latch your nipples get tore up.

I'm talking about tore up as in cracked and scabby. When the scab falls off there's a big gaping gash left behind. That messed with my mind. Like a lot. When Adelle pulled off my breast and put her cheek to my nipple and was left with a blood stain on her cheek--THAT messed with my mind too.

Every time I'd go to put her to the breast I'd break out in a sweat and my breath would shorten. Meanwhile she'd be screaming and struggling against me. It became a cycle and it was becoming a real source of anxiety. Every time she woke up from a nap I'd have to start preparing myself for the upcoming feeding. It was a horrible, guilty feeling I had inside because I really didn't want to put her to my breast knowing it would hurt and we would struggle.

Cue the mastitis. Often mastitis is caused by stress and being worn down. Between my own inner anxieties and some external stressors I was facing I was just a walking target for mastitis to visit me...and stick around for a while.

Without going into a blow by blow, it took over my right breast with a vengeance and what worked to rid it on the left was doing nothing. My right nipple was hugely damaged and had the biggest gash I'd seen to date. A piece of lint had gotten caught in the gash and I suspect that set off a true infection (mastitis isn't always an infection, often it's just a blocked duct and antibiotics will do nothing for that). I tried to pump to encourage more flow from the breast without much luck. I was getting more discouraged because I hadn't wanted to pump or give Adelle a bottle, but it came to a point that I had to try all of my options. Even if they made me cry. Finally on day four (day two of this breast) Lisa and I agreed it was time for antibiotics, which was also a huge disappointment. Antibiotics are great when you really need them, but I also consider the fact that they have side effects. Just one is that Adelle could get thrush in her mouth (yeast infection) from being exposed to the antibiotic in my breastmilk-and that would be a whole other set of problems.

It's been hard. It's been draining-emotionally and physically. I think (or hope) we're over the worst. Things seem to be getting better finally. The red is subsiding and the large river rocks in my breasts are gone. I don't feel any flu-like symptoms any longer.

I want to say that I am so, so, so grateful for Lisa and Hannah. I'm going to be writing a whole post about the "cost" of home birthing so I'll save a lot of what I'm going to say for that, but I will say that I have been incredibly well cared for. If it wasn't for them and Paul I'm not sure I would have gotten through this. I can understand completely why so many women give up on breastfeeding. Without the proper support I would have run out and bought the cans of formula that were dancing in my head during the moments of delirium I was sucked into.

Before I had the baby people would say "I bet you can't wait to meet your little one!" While that was true, I'd also always add that I wasn't in too much of a rush. I'd say "I'm more afraid of what comes after the birth than of the birth itself!" I knew that there would be challenges far greater and far longer reaching than the hours it would take to give birth. I had a feeling that there would be struggles I couldn't even comprehend before having a baby.

Well at least I knew that much, cuz I sho' didn't know my boobies would be in such a world of pain!
~

Adelaide Fall Fashion; Mama and Adelle

2011-04-08T15:29:00.000+09:30

Here we have a lovely cabbage lined bra. Grated potato underlay. Notice the stylish tea-towel placed just so. This is a utilitarian feature as it catches dripping potato juice.

I've had mastitis (blocked milk duct) and been feeling pretty shitty the last few days. I'm finally feeling better, and I finally figured out how to upload photos! In case you're wondering...a blocked milk duct becomes inflamed and causes the body to react as if there's a infection. So, basically I felt like I had the flu--hot and cold flashes to boot. The potato draws out inflammation from the breast and the cabbage, um, I don't know what it does exactly. I'm sure Lisa told me but my brain isn't exactly the best absorber of information lately.

Next, we have this Bum Genius diaper modeled by Adelle:

We're going for the duckling look here. Yellow coloring with an uber-padded behind help to pull off this look.

And here's a tribute to the classic new mom look:

Notice the washed out, pale skin, and the disheveled shirt (no doubt this mama just finished feeding). And look, she's trying to make her daughter fashionable with her first manicure.

Here's our little model during a recent photo shoot:

Gorgeous. And now for her close-up:

Being a model isn't easy. Here's our Adelle getting the latest olive-oil skin treatment to condition and enhance the lovely glow of her newborn skin:

Torture. Clearly.

All in a days work.

*I'm getting closer to finishing the birth story. It's almost all written up, now just have to choose photos and edit. Baby steps.*

Negotiating the Balance

2011-04-06T08:00:00.002+09:30

One of the biggest challenges I've faced this week (other than sore nether-regions and bleeding nipples) has been finding the balance between Adelle's needs and mine.

I have to pee, but she just fell to sleep on my chest.

I need to eat, but she's fussing.

I want to sleep on my own for a few hours, but she wants to sleep with me.

She wants to suckle for pacification, but my nipples are sore and I'd like to save them for when she really needs to eat.

It's a difficult line to walk when all I want to do is meet all of her needs all of the time.
Honestly, I don't mind her sleeping on me most of the time. In fact I want her to feel secure and if she feels best on my chest, then I'm okay with that. She's only a week old and it's a huge transition for her to be out in the world. I don't mind feeding her on demand. As far as I'm concerned, she's the Boss. If she's hungry and demanding food, I bring her booby on a silver platter....albeit with me wincing in anticipation of the pain.

I'm sure there will always be the issue of trying to balance her needs with mine. Later, it will probably become less black and white. For now it's pretty clear that I need to eat, sleep, and pee. There's no negotiation on that and already I find myself thinking more about her needs than mine. It's easy to hold out a little longer on relieving myself because she just looks so damn adorable sleeping. It's hard to put her down to sleep on her own when I so enjoy snuggling up to her and listening to all her newborn baby noises. I can only imagine later when what I really need is a hot bath and a half hour alone it will be pretty hard to tell my five year old that I can't draw pictures with her, or my ten year old that I can't help with her homework until after I've had a nap because I'm at my wits end after a hard day.

But I hope I will find ways of taking care of myself, because I think it's a valuable lesson for children to learn to identify their needs and feel okay about taking care of them. It really is true that we can't take care of others if we don't first take care of ourselves. It would make me so happy to hear Adelle say one day as an adult "Sure, I'll help you with that...as soon as I get myself something to eat so I can concentrate on what you're telling me."

Now don't go getting all worried that I haven't been eating or getting any help around here. I've been extremely blessed to have Paul and his mother helping me. Both of them take the baby when I need a shower or food or anything I ask for and I've only been alone a few random times. I'm just saying I'm noticing this internal struggle already. And so begins my journey as a mother.

That's all, and it's all good.
~
*more pictures coming soon...I WILL get this figured out today!!*

2011-04-05T09:15:00.000+09:30

Well I have several more photos of firsts, but I still haven't quite figured out the work around to upload photos. Basically I'm just being a cheap-ass because blogger says I've hit some sort of quota (apparently this account is tied to Picasa? And I get a limited amount of space?) and I have to now pay $5/year for more space...I don't like when things like that auto-renew and in a year I'll have forgotten about it. My luck and my accounts will be at $0 and I'll land up having to pay all sorts of fees. I tried to sign up for Flikr and then figure out how to get pics from there onto her, but haven't gotten it worked out yet.

Anyway, boooooring. If anyone can give me detailed instruction how to figure this crap out I will be on happy mama cuz I don't have the energy right now!!

Now for the exciting bit. Some firsts:

First bath April 3rd. Papa is in charge.

Baby no likey. We think the water may have been a bit cool. I haven't seen those rubber duckies that change color at the perfect temperature here.

First time she actually found her thumb! Yuuuummmm.

Mother Nature is an amazing thing. Each day I feel better, Adelle is more alert, awake, and feeding more frequently. What a blessing that the first week she would sleep for 4-5 hours at a time after feeding! She still does that, but less frequently. She is such a mellow baby...until she's hungry, then she sure does let me know!
~

Baptism by Tears

2011-04-04T09:17:00.000+09:30

(written March 29th; babyland day 2)

Baby Adelle,

The past few days have gone past in a blur. It's hard for me to put you down to do anything--sometimes because you don't want to be away from me and sometimes because I don't want to be away from you.

Lisa and/or Hannah come every day to check on us--and what a blessing that is. They check on how we've been doing and let me know what to expect my body to do next. They told me, as did others, to expect my hormones to go screwy when my milk started coming in and that it would make me feel pretty exhausted and possibly weepy. Sure enough yesterday my boobs started hardening up and I felt like I'd been hit by a bus.

Early in the day I could overhear your Papa telling Nana in the kitchen how cool fatherhood is and how much he loves you. I heard him saying "I know everyone thinks their baby is the most beautiful, but she really is, isn't she? I mean she really IS!" I just looked down at you and told you to listen to how lucky we are. And there it came. The first round of tears. They fell right onto your crown as I kissed you. I thought "oh how lovely for you to be baptized by my tears of joy." That made me cry more.

I know baptism is a religious ceremony, but I'm thinking of it more in the terms of a blessing of sorts.

Then, later in the day after I had napped, a package arrived. It said Live Plants on the side and we just could not figure out who it was from. Papa opened up the package and kept saying "oh how cool" and then he pulled out this sweet bag of eco-friendly goodies. It was from his friends Samantha, Jimmy, Timmy, Chris, and Luke. Inside a nice cotton reusable bag was a lemon tea tree. I started crying because we had decided to bury your placenta in a huge pot and plant something that could bear flowers. A lot of people do this to honor the life-giving of the placenta and to give it and it's nutrients back to the earth. We really liked the idea. Often people use a fruit tree so it can continue to give life, but I didn't think we'd be able to do that even in a large pot and we'd rather be able to take the plant wherever we go. So, this was perfect. I sobbed and cried more tears onto your little scalp!

There was also a bag of rocks with the words Peace, Joy, Cherish, Love etched into them to include on top of the soil. More tears. Then, my darling, then Papa pulled out a stuffed koala. Ohmygoodnessmeohmy that is when I really lost it. Do you remember the story about my koala? Yeah, so you can imagine how seeing a koala meant for you just about killed me. What a special gift.

Now you have your very own koala to look after you and we'll be able to drink lemon tea every year on your birth day. Each year I will tell you the story of how you came into this world, how lucky we are to be a family, how much love you brought into our lives, and how you were baptised by your mothers tears of joy.

Smooches and snuggles, Mama
~

It's All About the Name

2011-04-03T22:23:00.001+09:30

Miss Adelle Ilse Hughes,

Coming to a decision about a baby's name isn't easy. Every time I pulled out one of those baby naming books I'd get through about 5 pages before tossing it aside. Nothing seemed right. Too common, too strange, too much association (imagine naming a baby boy Adolf?), too easy to make fun of, too plain, too this or too that. Boys names seemed harder, but Dad and I had a few picked out. We got both from movies we watched. Trevor and Tyler. Girls names seemed easier, and we had a longer list of maybes, but nothing that we were crazy about.

Until I came across Adelle. I kept coming back to it. Notice it starts with an A. I told you I kept throwing the books down after 5 pages. Adelle. It was pretty. Simple. Classic. I fell in love with it right around the time I started being drawn to girl's clothes at the markets. I would day dream about this name.

I kept asking Dad what he thought and he'd say "eh..." He wasn't crazy about it. The other name I picked out was Elise, but we seemed to keep finding people with that name (mostly at random places like the shops or the vet). I didn't want something remotely common. I told Dad we should start referring to the baby in my belly by name--just to try them on for size. I said to Dad: "Paul, we've got to install Adelle's car seat."

I said it and both of us went silent. Nope. It didn't feel right. I was crushed.

Days went by and the next thing we know, you were here. When you were caught and placed in front of me to take I saw you were a girl right away. I always imagined that moment and there you were! More on that later...

Not long after you were born your Dad looked at you and asked what we should call you. I wasn't sure and I wasn't in a hurry. He studied you. He said "Elise." Nope. I agreed. No way. He said "She's an Adelle if I ever saw one." He was so sure of it that it shocked me. I remembered back to the day I tried using the name in a sentence and how it didn't feel right. I looked at you again. I thought about how much that name had spoken to me and I decided I should listen to that instinct. I thought there must be a reason for it and I had to Trust that.

Your middle name was settled a long time ago. Ilse for my father's mother. There is a special place in my heart for my Gram. She's very special to me and I knew if I ever had a little girl I'd honor her. I'll tell you all about her and why I love her so much, don't worry about that.

While I was pregnant your Grandma Karen had been trying to suggest the name Madelyn after her Grandmother. I actually really love that name but it's very popular right now. That Grandmother was very special to Grandma Karen. After I announced your name I was shocked to find out her middle name was....Adelle. And her mother's name? Adelle. So your Great Great Grandma was Madelyn Adelle and Great Great Great Grandma was Adelle (not sure of her middle name).

I was floored. Grandma Karen was tickled. So my sweet, your name is very special and I can now rest in the knowing that I picked the name that was meant just for you.

Good night sweet Adelle. My heart grows bigger with love for you each day. Kisses, Mama

*note to readers: there won't be any pictures for a few days as something is going on with my Blogger account that I have to straighten out....I'll do that as soon as I can manage!*

Peek Aboooo

2011-04-02T08:55:00.001+10:30

Dear Booby Monster,

I've given in to the fact that I can only work on your birth story a little at a time since I'm now a Mama and having two free hands is slowly becoming a distant memory. For now, I'll just share a few snippets of cuteness....

Here's your Papa and you getting to know one another. He loves you so much and I love watching him with you.

Your way of hinting at something. I'm not sure, but might you be hungry?

Uh-yup. Most definitely hungry.

You've been taking in some rays every day to get rid of a very slight case of jaundice. While I was snapping some photos you've proven to me that you are in fact the smartest child on earth. Nobody ever taught you this, but somehow you knew....

PEEK

ABOOOOOO

Genius, I say.

On another day you met Big Merlin.

At first you eyed him suspiciously, but soon you realized he just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So you showed him and he fell in love too. You two played while I showered.

Your Papa hasn't been around many fresh out of the womb babies, so he's figuring out how to sooth you, hold you, and change your diaper. Do you know he's changed almost every diaper so far? He's an old pro after just a few days. The other night when you were a bit restless and started fussing a bit he looked at me and asked if I should take you back. I suggested he try standing up and dancing with you. It worked.

That is one genuine smile of accomplishment. Proud Papa.

Finally yesterday I pulled out the Mei Tai carrier I'd bought with the gift money my former coworkers had given me. It's great! You loved it too! And best of all it allows me to use my two hands. See that green guy popping his head up behind you? That's SAL-a hand made gift from my friend at work, Cathy. It was her first attempt at a stuffed toy, so his hands look more like lobster claws and he's generally pretty strange looking. But, Papa and I LOVE him and named him S (Sal) the A (androgynous) L (lobster). SAL.

Ok, enough cuteness for now. I must eat so I can make more milk for my little milk monster (yeah, that would be YOU!).

Hugs and Kisses, Mama
~

The Day Before....

2011-03-29T19:09:00.001+10:30

Sweet baby Adelle,

The day before you were born I asked Daddy to take some pictures of us...

I had just had an appointment with Lisa and Hannah who told me I should take photos because I looked so glowing and glorious....

They didn't think you'd be coming for a few weeks. I was getting anxious and excited to meet you, but I wanted you to come when you were ready. So, I settled in for a good wait.

I tried to use my excited energy to sew your cloth wipes. I also finally found an Ergo Carrier second hand that I went to pick up with Nana Sandy. We came home and I made a meatloaf with mushroom gravy. Papa and I went out to meet friends for a birthday celebration for a few hours. I felt just fine. The birthday boy, Jimmy, asked to feel my tummy. It was so hard he couldn't feel you at all. And you didn't move one bit for him. Twice people asked Papa if he was ready to meet you and both times he said yes, and it was getting hard to keep waiting!

That night we went to bed.....little did we know that in a few hours we'd be woken up by your impending arrival. I'll tell you all about that soon. It's going to take me a bit to put together our story. Mama is tired and you are a hungry little thing so I spend a lot of time feeding you and holding you. I don't mind though. Not one bit.

Oh, how I love you. Now is when our story really begins. The story of me and you and Papa. I can't wait to see how it unfolds.

Loads and loads of love my sweet girl, Mama

My Birth Plan

2011-03-25T22:15:00.000+10:30

A common question for a pregnant woman is: "What's your birth plan?"

My simple answer is: "To push the baby out." And I don't mean that sarcastically. Literally, I don't have a written out plan of how that will happen because I don't know how I will feel and/or what will be right for me in the hours that I labor. I plan to be as open and fluid as I can be. I plan to do whatever works best to help me be as comfortable as possible so my baby can be born as peacefully as possible.

I did a little poking around the internet and realized that (written) birth plans are really meant for people that go to hospital and are being cared for largely by those who have never met them. In that case, communication of the parent's desires is needed. There are many thoughts on how to write a birth plan. Most I saw encouraged short bullet points and a statement of how the parents would like to be treated--with respect, autonomy, and full informed consent to any procedure to mother or child. Yes, that has to be stated.

I don't really need a birth plan as Lisa, my birth attendant and advocate, and her apprentice Hannah have come to my home for all my prenatal visits and over many cups of tea and coffee we've gotten to know each other enough that there has been a trusting relationship built (I'd like to just insert here that this has been the aspect of my prenatal care that has been most treasured to me. I'm incredibly grateful to have been able to get to know and be comfortable with the women who will be attending this most sacred moment of our lives). Any questions I've asked have been answered. If we transfer to hospital, Lisa will accompany us as our advocate and I trust that she and Paul will communicate our desires to the staff on my behalf.

Recently it's come to light for me how much of the hospital mindset around birthing I've internalized through media and personal accounts from others. I had no idea of the things that lurked in my brain. For example, I knew I didn't want any interventions such as Pitocin or Epidural or Oxytocin as they very often lead to a domino effect causing more and more interventions and complications than I'm willing to expose myself or my child to. I knew I wanted to be able to move freely without being tied to a machine or an IV. I knew I wanted to eat and drink whatever and whenever I felt I needed to.

However, I still had that vision of a woman in labor with everyone buzzing around doing things to her and then when baby was born doing things to him/her. I had this image of people checking my dilation progress, announcing what station the baby is at, telling me when and how to breath and push. I also realized that I hadn't thought about what would happen after the baby was born. What would that look like? I knew Paul or I would catch the baby, but I started realizing that I had all these assumptions that even when the baby was put on my chest right away there would still be poking and prodding, suctioning, cleaning, checking, and the rest of it. Lastly, nobody ever talks about the placenta being delivered--and it turns out, there are decisions to be made around that.

When I first met Lisa I remember thinking "whoa, she's reaaaaaallly laid back about this whole birth thing" and I'll admit, there was something that nagged at me about that. Why? I didn't view birth as an emergency affair, yet I expected her to act as though it was simply because I saw her as I would see a doctor--as the expert (or, authoritarian) who is highly aware of all the risks and complications that could arise--and be hyper-focused on them. I also saw her as the person who would do everything for me.

But she wasn't that way. I don't mean to say she's not an expert. She is extremely well read, educated, and has a magnificent amount of hands-on experienced with this process. She is an expert, but she is also an expert on empowering mothers and fathers to have their own experience with her as back-up support. Because of her expertise, she is completely confident and comfortable in the natural, normal state of being pregnant and birthing and fully trusting in a woman's innate knowing of how to birth.

The following is what I now envision my birth to look like. I'm writing it up purely to share with others as it may be of interest and may serve to provide another perspective on birth for those not choosing home birth. It may, at the very least make you question "Why does the hospital staff need to do that? Is it really necessary?" Or, perhaps you may do your own research into something like why it's best not to cut/clamp the cord immediately. Everything you see has already been discussed with Lisa and Hannah over a cuppa tea. All of these things are a patients right in a hospital, although the decisions may not be welcomed by staff. This is when a strong relationship with a midwife, doula, and husband come in so they can act as your advocate.

My Birth Plan:

Beginning labor (contractions and dilation): Breath, walk, sway, rock, squat, stand, get in pool, listen to music, receive massage or counter pressure, eat, drink, sleep, laugh, cry, whine, get out of pool, get quiet, pray, swear, and/or anything that will help me progress to the next stage. I may do any, all, or none of the above. I will not be given internal checks to assess my dilation or progress (unless deemed necessary for some reason in which case I trust Lisa's judgement). Instead I will use my own bodily intuition to determine when it is time to push.

Pushing: Any position that helps the baby move it's way down the birth canal including, but not limited to: standing, kneeling, squatting in or out of the pool. I can pretty much guarantee I will not be on my back and my legs will not be up in the air. There will be a limited amount of monitoring the fetal heart rate. I will not have an episiotomy. I will probably provide my own perineal support (counter pressure to help avoid tearing) and depending on what position I'm in Paul or I will catch the baby.

Final stage (placenta and bonding): Baby will be immediately placed on my chest, skin to skin, and remain there at least one hour (unless baby is in distress). We will be left in peace without suctioning, poking, prodding, clothing, or cleaning of baby. The room will be calm and peaceful. The cord will be left alone (no clamping or cutting) until the placenta has been delivered. Placenta will be delivered in it's own time. Paul will have skin to skin snuggles with the baby.

Basically, the natural physiological process will be left to it's own course.

Again, all of this has been organically discussed as Lisa, Hannah, Paul, and I got to know each other.What I thought of once as Lisa's laid back attitude I now know is actually a deep respect and honoring for our birthing experience as a family. I knew when I met her she was the right fit for us, so I just sat with any of those feelings that came up and gave them a good think. I'm really glad I did because I know without a doubt Lisa and Hannah will support me as much or as little as I need.

I'm sure a lot of people reading this may think--but what do you mean she won't check dilation? How will she know if you're progressing? She'll know. What do you mean she won't check the baby right away? How will she know it's okay? She'll know. She knows because she draws on her many years of experience and observations of women and babies.

If there's anything here that puzzles you, please feel free to ask in the comment section. As I said, it's taken me a while to come to this point. I've gone through the process of disentangling certain hospital norms from my mind's eye to get to this place. And now? I can't imagine it any other way.

....although, I leave room for it to be completely different to anything I've ever imagined.
~

38.75 Weeks

2011-03-24T20:17:00.082+10:30

Dear Quiet One,

You've been pretty mellow these past few days. My guess is that you are running out of wiggle room. This is just a note to give you a few laughs when you're old enough to understand your Mama's sense of humor. So, if you're under the age of fifteen, back away from the page. I mean it. *I'm giving you the Mama glare*

Oh, who am I kidding? As if you're going to listen to me once you turn twelve. If you're under the age of twelve, step away from the page. I mean it!!

So yes, I am thirty eight and three quarters weeks pregnant with you. Your Dad keeps ribbing me for saying thirty eight and a half weeks a few days ago. I have really loved being pregnant with you, but seriously--get out of my belly. I cannot sleep any more as this bulge is humongous, heavy, and I sometimes feel I can't breath. Actually, it's not as big as some ladies, but still, I can't get comfortable. My back and groin are spasming too from all the weight on my ligaments and there's not much the chiro can do about it. I'm thankful it took me so long to get to this point, but Mama wants her body back. Consider this your eviction notice.

Ok, ok, you can have it for as long as you need and until you are ready. You can't stay in there forever though. You know that, right?

Here's a photo of me sewing in my super old-lady looking maternity gown. Consider this a pre-birthday gift for you as I'm sure you'll enjoy making fun of how ridiculous I look in the years to come.

I'm really not a seamstress in any sense of the word. Would you like to know what I'm sewing? Cloth bum wipes for your little tushie. They're made from an old flannel sheet of your Nana Sandy's. The material isn't exactly pretty and my cutting/sewing skills leave much to be desired, but they are for wiping your butt so I figure it's all good. In all honesty, I've cut 45 wipes, but I've sewn seven. Okay, actually, I've sewn five and I dragged the sewing machine to a crafty hour at The Birth Place, but when I got there I was too ~~lazy~~ tired to sew any more and someone else needed a scrap to practice on, so I gave her two of the wipes. I think you'll like the feel of them. I've been using the scraps to blow my nose and they are so soft.

Dad and I will have to take more pictures of my belly in the next few days just so I have proof of how big it's gotten and can use my discomfort to guilt you later in life. Just tonight I lifted up my shirt to show your father and his eyes about fell out of the sockets. He said "Ohmygod. How did that happen?" Then we laughed about how much you've grown and how I'm going to have to push you out. Then do you know what he said to me? "You're fucked!" We both just looked at each other and laughed hysterically. (As you're supposed to be reading this when you're older I don't mind telling you that your old mom n' pop are potty mouths).

A few nights ago I was awoken by some practice contractions that were the strongest yet. I really had to breath my way through them. Whoa. And I know that ain't nuttin'! Last night I had a dream about Lisa being a drug pusher. I kept begging her for some drugs. Do you think I may be having some concerns about the pain factor? Don't worry. I'll manage and it'll just give me more to guilt you with later.

Just kidding, just kidding. Most of this has been me being silly. I'm a bit punchy now as I haven't gotten much sleep. People keep telling me how I'm not going to get any sleep once you arrive, but at least then I'll be comfortable! What sleep I do get will be quality.

I'll leave you with this final thought....Dad and I have a few names picked out for a boy and girl name, but let me tell you it is agonizing!! This is so hard! I know we'll just have to wait for you to be in front of us so we can look in your face to see what name feels right, but man is it daunting. I want it to be just perfect for you even though we'll probably land up giving you a bunch of gooberish nick-names.

I'll see ya soon and when I do I'll give ya a big kiss. Lots of them actually. And some snuggles. Oh, and don't forget the milk. There will be an endless supply of that! Dad will do all that too, except for the milk part. Doesn't that sound nice? Don't you want to come out to all that goodness?

Until then, lots of love, Mama the Milk Machine

Complaining

2011-03-23T08:56:00.001+10:30

Yesterday was an interesting day. There were hormones. There were frustrations and disappointments. There were temper tantrums (from me of course). Then there was the sweet bliss of meditation followed by afternoon tea with a friend. Then more frustration and disappointments. The day ended in tears (from me of course).

From my yoga teaching days I have a stack of cards for healing. On the front there is a word or phrase. On the back there is a message. I sat in bed shuffling the cards asking "what is it I need to know?"

The answer?

"Release the need to complain." Honestly assess whether you're a complainer. No matter whether you share complaints with others or keep them to yourself, this tendency is a way of looking at a situation without seeing it's potential blessings. Your goal: to release the predilection to complain, and instead, see the positive side of things.

Bwahahahahaahahahahahah!! Yes, I laughed. I laughed out loud, in fact. I had just been complaining that I'm sick of hearing myself complaining. I AM a complainer. Don't think I don't know myself. The trick will be to tell people honestly how I'm feeling or what is happening in my life without turning it into a bitch fest. Yes, that will be the balancing act for me.

I can tell you this though....I am DONE. I am so, so, so done. Seriously, Life just isn't letting up with the opportunities for me to learn and grow. The curve balls keep coming and I'm done trying to dodge them. I am done complaining. I'm done fighting with my mind. I just surrender.

I'm done. And I'm NOT complaining about that.
~

Australian English Lesson: Numbers

2011-03-21T19:27:00.002+10:30

One of the slightly mind boggling and unexpected things to get used to here is how people communicate numbers. It seems so simple and you wouldn't expect that it would throw me so much-but it does.

For example, when reading off any number that has an 88 or an 888 within it- Australians would read that as double eight or triple eight. No biggie, right? Except that when I'm listening to take the number down, it's one extra step for my brain to interpret what it's hearing to paper. So the number: 533248999 would read:

five, double three, two, four, eight, triple nine

Seems easier, but for me....not so much.

Then there's phone numbers (all numbers here are made up). Australian cell phones begin with the numbers (04) which is how you know it's a cell phone number. That's useful because at home you never know if you're calling a home or cell unless the person has specified so. Our cell phones are assigned area codes just as our home phones are. So, based on where I lived my number used to start with 860. The grouping is all weird with the phone numbers here and that messes with my head. For example:

0423 555 555

Four numbers to begin, then two sets of three, whereas at home it's the opposite you start off with two sets of three and end with four numbers:

860 555 5555

As for landlines here, if you're calling interstate there are short area codes. South Australia is 08. So, if someone from Queensland were calling our home they would dial:

08 8322 5555

Americans, do you notice what's different? They still have 10 numbers, but again--grouped differently. A set of two, then four and four. Ours would be:

860 489 5555

And if you're dialing locally you don't need the 08, so it would just be 8322 5555; eight numbers as opposed to the seven we used to have: 489 5555. Of course, now you have to use the area code no matter what cuz there's just so many damn people!

Next there's the issue of dates. We say: April 1st, 2011 or 4/1/11. Month, day, year format. Here it's day, month, year. So the 1st of April, 2011 or 1/4/11. Also read verbally as the first of the fourth. I wonder if this will ever stop tripping me up. It's worse when it's in 1/4/11 format because I still read that as January 4th. Try writing your birth date differently too! All my life 8/23/77 is now 23/8/77.

I'm also still getting used to the metric system. I have to admit, 1000 meters = 1 kilometer is pretty easy to remember. And, while using the GPS judging distance per 100 meters clicks in my spacial understanding much easier. 400 meters is much easier to judge for me than 1/4 mile even though they are the same thing. I still get tripped up in converting km to miles though. There are 0.6 miles in 1km. I keep computing it backwards for some reason.

It's funny how the brain clicks with certain concepts and not with others. Not funny "haha," but funny as in annoying and strange.

Cooking is an interesting conundrum. Many recipes call for measurements in grams, which is a measurement of weight and is extremely confusing and, quite frankly, stupid in my opinion. You have to have a friggin scale handy because you can't just eyeball 50 grams. 50 grams of curry paste will look completely different to 50 grams of flour. And, there's really no conversion of grams into cups or tablespoons either because grams measure mass (weight), while cups measure volume (amount of space). Grrrrrr.

And finally, on a somewhat numbers related issue, there is the subject of a person's tax number here. This is assigned once you begin working, unlike in America where we are given our social security number at birth.

I hope I didn't bore you to death, but it's these little nuances one must get used to when living in a new country that often add up and can become exhausting. Imagine, getting into the car to drive to an appointment and driving on the opposite side of the road to what you're used to. You don't know the area well so you have to pay special attention to your driving and to where you are going. The directions are given in a different measurement than you're used to. You arrive at the appointment and fill out paperwork which asks for your contact number, today's date, and your date of birth. For each question you take a few extra moments because the format is different than you grew up with. During your appointment you have few communication barriers due to different terminology used in your native country. Then you have to get in the car and drive back--on the opposite side of the road again.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Or, maybe it's just the baby in my belly that is exhausting me? Either way, I need to go lay down!
~

Ut-oh. Time for Chicken Broth!

2011-03-20T17:26:00.000+10:30

There's been something going around and my father-in-law got it. The poor guy sounds so congested. I've got a pretty good immune system and I wasn't too worried about getting sick....that is until I woke up to pee (for the third time) in the middle of the night and I could sense a little something brewing in my chest and forehead.

I woke up in denial. No way could I be getting sick. As the day wore on my denial wore thin. I wasn't feeling horrid-I''m still not-but I could feel it creeping in. Crap. Thank God Lisa, my birth attendant, said she didn't think I'd go into labor until closer to my due date! I seriously cannot imagine giving birth with a chest cold.

Luckily I've been on this fanatical cooking spree and had thrown some stuff into the crock pot last night for chicken stock. Ta-daaaaah! Today I've got some golden brew to help fix me up. I've got that and a great excuse to lounge around in bed all day. And the cherry on top? Paul wanted to make our room extra comfortable for me so he tidied up.

I cannot speak highly enough about the healing properties of home made chicken stock. The stuff in the box/can is not the same. Take a look at the ingredients list and you'll find there's extra stuff in there like preservatives and more. I remember the first time I tried some. I had traveled to Oregon to see my friend Breana. As soon as I got there I was hit hard with a bug. She had been cooking her own chicken stock and brought me a bowl. As soon as I tasted it, I was in love. I also was feeling back to myself in about a half an hour. No joke. There's a reason why some people call it the Jewish Penicillin.

There are lots of methods to cooking stock that you can easily look up, but here's what I have done:

Use the carcass of a chicken you've already roasted--just make sure you pick as much meat off as possible
OR
Use the raw bones only with almost no meat on them (some people cook the whole chicken in water, pick it, then use the liquid as broth. I don't usually use my stock for chicken soup so I'm going for as clear and golden a stock as possible).

Throw into a pot or slow cooker:
Bones
Carrot
Celery (even the leaves)
Onion (I keep skin on)
Fresh parsley
Fresh Thyme (if you have it)
Salt (not too much-you can always add more or add it to your cooking)

There's no exact ratio. It depends on the size of the pot you're using and what you have on hand. If I'm doing a lot of cooking throughout the week I'll keep a container of my "throw aways" to use in the stock, like the ends of carrots, zucchini, and onions. Some people like to use parsnip. I don't tend to have that on hand though.

So, if you've got a large slow cooker, throw everything in and fill it up with as much water as you can, making sure everything is at least covered with water. I prefer to use filtered water. Put it on low and walk away. If you're doing it on the stove, do the same and be sure to use a lid with a small hole for some heat to escape or the lid slightly off center.

I usually start my stock in the evening and let it go as long as possible. Yes, I've left it on the stove overnight. It's on a very, very low heat so I don't worry about it. With this method though you may need to add a tad more water ever now and again. The longer you can let it go, the better. It gets darker and more golden.

Some people say there's scum at the top you have to skim off, but I've found if you're just working with mostly bones that doesn't become an issue. It also helps the stock be less foggy and reduces bits of meat floating around. If that bothers you, you can always use a fine strainer or cheese cloth.

If you don't intend on using the broth right away, it freezes well. If you're using glass to freeze, be sure the containers aren't oddly shaped or too full or the glass will burst when the liquid expands.

Once you try this you will have a hard time going back to store bought. It tastes so good, isn't much work, and is so incredibly nutritious for you. This is one of those things that is a lost art, like making your own bread crumbs, pie crusts, and iced tea. None of those things takes a lot of time, but we're just so used to throwing stuff into a grocery cart that we don't even remember we can do it ourselves for a lot less money, with way better ingredients, and a lot more flavor!

Now lets hope my stock does it's job and I get rid of this bug!!
~

Great News

2011-03-19T21:15:00.000+10:30

I wrote my friend Liz telling her I was thinking of her all this week after her surgery and this is what she wrote back:

I think I've felt all your love....and this IS Liz. I'M BACK hehe. I have been in soooooo much pain these last few day and just want to scream but I tried that and screaming, sneezing, couphing, laughing, etc, everything hurts. So about ...a half hour ago I sat on my bed and just got in a comfy position and started breathing. I really started breathing like I never had before. Slow and steady and for fifteen minutes I made sure I was taking care of myself. And then I laid down since the Lorazepam was kicking my ass. I'm soon to pass out but figured I'd say hi and bye on facebook once today. Anyways, I laid back and the pain I've complained about this morning is gone., So when I wake up I will do this again. :)

I cried with joy when I read this. It's one of those things that us yogis say to one another: "keep breathing" and it's something that Liz and I have talked about in our emails. It's something I've said to my students when I've taught a class: "you can go weeks without food, days without water, but you can't go but a few minutes without your breath. It's what links us most closely to Life." And it's something that I've forgotten myself lately.

To know her breath brought her comfort made my heart lighter. To know that Divine Grace has blessed her with some relief from her pain comforted me. I keep praying that the Divine help her to find peace through her pain. Knowing that she found that for even just a short time, leaves a window of hope for a time in the future pain free and peace filled.

No matter what our situation breath links us to that place of peace and stillness. Reading Liz's words today reminded me of that--and I needed reminding. It seems I relearning a lot of lessons I'd thought I'd already learned lately.

You're doing great work, Liz! Keep breathing and I will too.
~

Busy Bee

2011-03-17T00:15:00.000+10:30

I have been a busy little bee. Sunday I went to the farmer's market with Paul's mum to get fruit and veg. That wore me out just a tad. The past few days I looked at recipes and chipped away at my list of to-do's--finishing up laundry and getting organized here and there. Today I went to the grocery store to get the rest of what I needed for my recipes. It's an exciting life I lead, let me tell you.

I'm making double batches of everything and freezing most of it. Today I made Morning Glory muffins (whole wheat pastry flour with nuts, carrot, apples, etc), black bean soup, and pasta sauce. Tomorrow I'll assemble a lasagna-like pasta dish with the sauce and freeze that. I'll also make a turkey/corn chili and home made chicken stock. I've got a huge list of possibilities to make over the next few weeks: quiche, meatloaf, more soup, enchiladas, and then some. I'll just keep going until baby decides to come. The more I make, the better, right?

This is most definitely making me feel more prepared and relaxed. Oh, and it's helping me to keep occupied so I don't count the hours until I go into labor! Some people knit their baby a bonnet. I cook. At least if I'm well nourished, I'll heal up quick and be able to nourish baby too.

Now, my poor, aching, pregnant body is off to bed!
~

Letter to a Friend

2011-03-15T23:03:00.000+10:30

Sweet Merlin,

You beautiful, beautiful creature. I am so grateful. You've been on diuretics and medication to prevent blood clots for the past few weeks. You've perked up nicely. You've been eating like a little piggy, which is a great sign, and you're looking really well. Still, your heart disease is not reversible and we're told that it's just a matter of time. For the moment it looks as if you'll be with us for a while.

Thank you Divine Grace.

You've been going outside and enjoying the back yard. Things have changed a little. You no longer like to go out for long stretches by yourself. You want us to be out there with you, and if we're not, you want to come back in soon after going out. You used to be cool around Brandy the dog, but since you've been unwell you just don't have the tolerance for her. The poor thing. She just wants to be your friend. At least you don't hiss at her like Gabby does. Let me tell you something else that's changed--your appetite!! Where you were never very food driven, you are now a little piggy always begging to be fed. It's a good thing. We've happily been letting you eat whenever you want. Poor Gabby is so confused and doesn't understand why she doesn't get to eat whenever she'd like.

I know you're feeling better because you're back to your snuggly self. What was it the ladies at the vet called you? Smoochie. Yes, you are very smoochie. When you weren't feeling yourself you just wanted to be alone. Now, most mornings you come up and take over three quarters of my pillow purring and snuggling my head. Or, for lack of a better description, we spoon. Where I used to push you off the bed so as not to be woken, now I soak it all up. Sometimes we lay there sleeping together for hours. Sometimes it's just a short while. No matter what, it's a lovely way to start the day.

Paul has spoilt you rotten and showered you with attention. Gabby, although jealous of your food intake, also knows you need extra love and doles it out willingly. She grooms you whenever you'll indulge her. And, you two sleep near each other on the bed often. Sometimes you have major snuggling sessions such as this one that I caught on my cell phone.

I love the way you cover your face with your paw to block out the light. Sissy still holds your paws.

Two kittens holding paws. Can it be any sweeter?

I so hope you'll prove those vets wrong and stay with us longer than they predict. I hope your furry little body will support you for a long time here. We all love you so, so much and life just wouldn't be the same without you..

Be well my friend. All my love, Shawna
~

37 Weeks

2011-03-14T23:29:00.000+10:30

Dear Littlest Hughes,

Whoa baby! We're getting close, aren't we? I think mama has finally gotten to the stage that the excitement of your arrival is outweighing.....well, the apprehension of your arrival. I don't mean to say I'm apprehensive over birthing you. On the contrary. That doesn't worry me at all. That's a temporary thing with a beginning and an end. Becoming your mother? Well, that will be forever. As much as I've been delighted about bringing you into our lives (you were planned after all), and as much as I feel blessed for the gift of becoming your mother, I must admit there is something freaky about the thought that life will never be the same. It's not a bad thing. It's more of a deer-in-the-headlights thing (or maybe I should say kangaroo-in-the-headlights?). I will never be the same. Dad will never be the same. Our partnership will never be the same. I don't know of many other experiences in life that are so ridiculously life altering. It can feel like standing at the base of the most gigantic mountain you've ever seen (see the picture of my belly mountain?)--both exhilarating and mind boggling all at once.

Up until now, I've just been enjoying the ride of being pregnant since I know this is a very temporary state and quite frankly I've needed the time to adjust after the big move. I've been really worn down from all the change, but just the other day I got another wind of productivity. I made a huge long list of things we must do before you arrive and we've been working our way through it. We finally dropped the camera lens off to be fixed so we'll have it for your birth. We've got your crib and change table.


Missing a side so we can push it up against our bed and you can be close.

We got this, plus the crib for only $250! Beautiful!

I've washed all your clothes and linens. Today we just bought your car seat and I washed all your cloth diapers. Tomorrow I'm going to make your cloth tushie wipes. I've got a list of food to make and freeze so that when you come we'll have plenty to keep our bellies full.

Your Papa picked this out after hours of research. You are going to be one safe babe.

I think I'm nesting. What do you think? Are you planning on coming soon? I'm trying not to project, I really am. I have to tell you though, every little thing that I feel now I think "oh! There's my body getting ready! Will it be soon?" I've been feeling more and more Braxton Hicks. Lisa warned me I might feel some stabbing sensations in my cervix as it starts to prepare and sure enough those have started. Your head must be putting some pressure on a nerve that runs from my bladder to my urethra because I keep getting these strange and not so pleasant twinges when I feel your head moving. After a bit of walking at the market the other day I had to stop several times on the way back to the car because all the sensations were so uncomfortable!

Speaking of strange sensations--get this! You must have discovered some of your neck muscles because you were trying out some neck rolls the other night. Up until then I haven't been able to feel your head with my hands when poking around my belly, but there we were laying in bed and you started making a ruckus. Next thing I know, with Dad watching in disbelief over your twitchiness, I feel your head rolling in circles. Round and round it went. I could only feel you from the inside and by putting my hand on my belly, but Dad could see you too! It was amazing.

Overall I'm feeling excellent. I'm not holding any water. My back has been all fixed up by my miracle-worker chiropractor. I look really well and healthy. I've been a little out of breath at times, but nothing that's too terrible. My poor, aching legs though. Oh my word. By the end of the day I get this crampy, achy feeling and the only thing that helps is if Dad massages them out--and I swear I'm not just doing it for a free massage! At this point, all we can do is sit back and wait for you to be ready....

Yep, we just have to be patient. Which brings me to this installment's life lesson: patience. So often in life we want things to happen on our time-line. These are opportunities to cultivate patience. These are opportunities to live in the present moment and reign our brains in from jumping ahead of us. It's easy for the mind to think about what something will be like, but many times things turn out nothing at all as you'd imagined. No, it's better to enjoy the present moment and just let things happen in their own time. No use daydreaming abou.....oh my was that a contraction? Or just another Braxton Hicks? Could be any time now. I wonder what the first definitive sign will be? Maybe I'll see a bloody show? Or maybe I'll get woken up by a strong set of contractions. I wonder how long the labor will be? Is baby a boy or girl?

Right. Patience. Now, when I get this skill completely mastered I'll let you know. Till then, I'll just be here. Pregnant. Waiting for you to make your entrance.

I can't wait!!

Truckloads of love, Mama

My Koala

2011-03-12T07:15:00.000+10:30

When I was around the age of six and living in California I had this favorite stuffed koala. It was tan. I just adored that thing and brought it with me everywhere. Of course being so young I wasn't exactly responsible and I landed up leaving it somewhere. I vaguely remember my mother going back to a store to look for it, but koala was gone. I was devastated, but life goes on.

Months later we went to a Christmas party at a new-age spiritualist church we'd been attending. They were handing out presents for all the kids that were labeled either "boy," "girl," or "unisex." I remember that because I didn't know what the heck unisex meant! It was hot in the room and I was sweaty from running around like a lunatic, only stopping to grab my unisex gift. The wrapping was red and I only paused for a moment before ripping it open....it was a koala. She was different than my other koala. This one was gray and smaller, but she was definitely a koala. I remember time slowing down and getting this weird feeling like someone was watching me. I snapped out of it and ran up to my mom to show her the gift. She must have told the people at the church! She must have!

But she hadn't. She swore to it. I asked her later as an adult and she still swears she had nothing to do with it. I kept looking at the koala and thinking "there must be a God." How else was it possible that of all the types of stuffed animals there was a new koala under that tree? And how was it even more possible that it was handed to me out of all the kids running around?

That was the first time I remember getting that feeling as though someone was watching me. After that, there were other times I'd feel it and go into a sort of spontaneous meditation. Staring off into space I'd feel small, but part of something big. I didn't want to leave that place. It was fascinating and comforting all at once.

I always remembered koala and didn't ever feel comfortable giving her away. So when I was too old to have stuffed animals in my room (or so I'd thought) I put her in a box and forgot about it. Then one day before my big move my mother brought over a box of my stuff that had been in her basement and there was koala. It still didn't hit home until I was packing for the move and deciding what to take and what to leave behind....

It was a koala. I'm moving to Australia. Koalas are native to Australia. There are just some things in life that I can't accept as coincidence. All these years ago I'm obsessed with a stuffed animal, only to lose it, be given another one that sparks my faith in God....and the damn thing is native to a country I move to more than 25 years later? Come on!

As I sit here early this morning having awoken before sunrise with my head swimming in a stormy sea of thoughts I remembered koala. Yes, I brought her with me. She looks a little worse for the wear, but something told me not to put her back in that box. She sits atop our dresser next to a picture of my Dad.

These past few weeks as I've become overwhelmed with Life I feel like I'm treading water trying to keep afloat. Each time I take a breath I get tossed around again. My ears are full of sea water and my eyes are stinging. I'm tired, but I can't rest because I have to keep treading water. My mind is as choppy as the sea I'm swimming in.

As time has gone by, I still pray. That is the one thread I've held onto within my practice. Mostly it's been my concern for others that has kept me going with that. But my yoga? My meditation? I can't stand myself long enough to sit still. I know this makes it worse. This morning writing about koala has been like a life saver thrown out to me. I'm going to hold onto that and I'm going to sit for meditation while the seas have calmed.
~

For Liz

2011-03-10T23:23:00.000+10:30

Well, I think we've all heard enough about ME to last a lifetime. And I think we all know what my state of mind is now. So as long as we're all on the same page about me, myself, and I....let's turn our attention to someone else for a moment.

My friend Liz is going into surgery to remove the cancer from her body in approximately 24 hours. I didn't want to bother her with questions about exact times, so I'm guesstimating that she'll be in surgery as early as 6am EST Friday (that's 9:30pm here in SA). Whatever time you read this blog, whether before or after her surgery begins, please say a prayer for her and her family.

One of the things that makes Liz special is her sense of humor. She's got that classic New England smart-ass sarcastic tongue that so many people outside of the Northeast just don't get. I've seen her making jokes on her Facebook page about her "chemo brain" which is apparently similar to "pregnancy brain" in which one gets a little foggy and forgetful. She was just joking today about forgetting something that made her laugh and hoping the surgeons could fix that too while they're at it.

I get ya, Liz. Paul was telling me he didn't think my Merlin-is-dying jokes were funny. I keep doing voice overs for Merlin as he does things he shouldn't be doing. Like the other day when I was running the vacuum and he jumped up onto the dining room table, I voiced for him "Oh be still my heart! My poor, bad, heart! I'm scared by the vacuum and must jump up on this table to avoid further upset!" Or, when he was out hunting birds the other day "Common guys, give a dying man a break. Lemme have a little taste. Grant me a nice last meal. I could go at any time, ya know."

It's just what we do. Remember the scene in Steel Magnolias (my favorite movie of all time) when Shelby (Julia Roberts) is going in for a kidney transplant? It's the night before the surgery and the whole family except M'Lynn (Sally Fields) is playing cards and making jokes like "Anyone have a kidney?" "NO, go fish!" or "I'll see you a kidney and raise you a..." Oh, I looked all over Youtube for a video, but couldn't find it.

Liz, I hope before you go in for surgery you find some relief in your humor. I hope that a good laugh dissipates all your fears so that you find a peaceful place in your heart to settle into. I wish for you a very successful surgery and that you come out from it cracking cancer jokes and making everyone on your ward laugh. I hope you draw strength from all the love being sent your way.

I'm sending you love, my friend.
~

Decisions, Decisions

2011-03-09T23:58:00.000+10:30

Paul and I have recently reconsidered where to birth our baby. We've decided to birth in a space we know will provide us with the energy we'll need to relax and have this baby in the setting we know is right for us. A friend has offered a space and we are extremely grateful for that option. So for now I guess it's not so much a home birth as an out-of-hospital-birth which meets our needs just fine.

Life has been providing me with ample opportunity to learn these days. I'm not going to lie. There have been crying jags a plenty around here. My usual positive attitude has been battered by hormones, major life changes, and kitty death sentences. I've had a few people tell me lately that they admire my courage and persistence through all of this. Hey, I'm not running around with a razor held to my wrists and I do find opportunity to laugh and smile....but I'm about at my limit.

Have I said that before? Probably. Well, let me say it again because I'm not ashamed of it. I've been through a lot of upheaval in the past six months and if I said "I'm fine! Everything is fine!" I'd be a right fine liar. I could use to complain and vent a liiiittttle less perhaps. Poor Paul.

So, I've decided not to lie about where my head is at. I'm feeling a bit negative lately. I'm feeling frustrated that life isn't exactly going as I'd like. I'm feeling like I need to hide away at times. I've also decided that I'm okay with all of that because I still, yes still, even after all my negativity, temper tantrums, and sobs of self-pity know that everything is exactly as it should be and will be as it's meant to be.

I've also decided to stick with what I know is right for me. I've decided that when things are not going to plan I'm going to go with what I have learned in the past: be fluid and find a path that supports my vision. Luckily I have a partner who is even better at that than I am, because right now I'm so lost in the forest I can only see far enough ahead to keep myself from falling down a well. Hopefully I stumble across a clearing soon.

And, so as not to be completely "Boo-hoo, poor me. Hand me a tissue, will ya?" I will share that I have met some absolutely lovely women through the once monthly coffee hour at The Birth Place. A new friend Skye lives not too far and I've had the pleasure of an afternoon tea at her home and a trip to coffee hour together today. My birth attendants/advocates Lisa and Hannah are wonderful beyond wonderful and supportive in just they way I need them to be. Lisa has created a phenomenal community of like minded women who are so open and willing to share. I can envision becoming friends with all of them...

So I will leave you on that note of happiness.
~

A Normal Birth

2011-03-06T23:34:00.000+10:30

I get that we all have our world views. We often see things differently to one another. I can honor that. What I'd like to do for a moment, though, is ask you to clear your mind on all preconceived notions you have about birth. Forget what you think it's supposed to be like, where it's supposed to be, whom is supposed to be there, and for just a few moments read this blog post (warning-it is graphic) and observe another option, another reality:

http://www.homebirth.net.au/2011/03/mechanism-of-breech.html

How did that make you feel? What sorts of emotions came up? Any jjudgments? Again, I'd like to reiterate that I am all for women and their partners making the decisions that are best for them and their family. I believe it is our right to choose where our child is born. I personally believe it is safe to birth at home and use the hospital as a back up in case of emergency. I also believe it is everyone’s right to choose the type of birth experience they are comfortable with- whether that’s at a hospital, birth center, or at home or whether it involves interventions or none. It’s a personal choice and we should all be able to make it ourselves.

This woman chose to have a breech birth at home and while some people might think it dangerous, this is a clear example that with someone attending the birth who has the experience and knowledge it is possible to be done safely and without harm to mother or baby. A c-section is not always necessary as doctors these days would tell most women in this situation. In fact, most doctors have never seen a successful breech birth without intervention. This is not the only example of a successful breech. If you look through the rest of this blog you'll see other stories, plus stories of twin births, vbacs (vaginal birth after c-section), and many, many more.

Take a look if it interests you. There are so many women who have shared their stories, their pictures, and their videos because they believe people should see that there are other options available--other safe options. Our cultural view of birth is so narrow at this point, that I'm sure many of these stories are mind blowing and a challenge to our current belief systems.

And if you're wondering--no, my baby is not presenting as breech. To be honest when I first considered home birth there was a list of things that would cause me to not feel comfortable with it and breech was on the list. I too had a deep seated fear of anything outside of the "norm." The more I read the stories on this website (which, by the way include women who have transferred to hospital and/or had c-section after a planned home birth because that was the safest thing for them and their baby) the more my idea of normal began to shift.

I think the sharing of these stories is hugely important. Our ideas of normal birth are getting further and further away from what nature intended. I've said it before, and I'll say it again--in our cultural mind there is a lot of fear associated with birthing. Isn't it ironic that the more we get away from what nature intended and the more we surround ourselves with what we perceive as a society as safe (hospital interventions galore), the more that fear is injected into the birth experience?

What is considered normal is simply a set of belief systems that are held by a society at any given time. At the turn of the last century 5% of women gave birth in hospital. Home birth with a midwife was normal. Between then and now all sorts of things have been considered normal, including knocking women out for their labor and men not being allowed in the delivery room. Can you imagine that happening today? No, our ideas have shifted since then--thankfully! Now, with c-section rates soaring (over 30%) that is becoming normalized. I'm not saying c-section is never necessary. I'm just saying it's not necessary at that rate. To me, that percentage will never be normal.

So, I'm simply sharing this with you to ask you to consider that there may be alternative options to birthing than what we are typically presented by doctors. There are loads of articles and books raising questions against current medical practices. You don't have to dig too far to find evidence that there are lots of risks involved with hospital births. I don't want to get into that here. I'm sharing this to shine light on the fact that women who home birth are just doing what is normal--for them. I want to highlight and commend the women who have shared these very private and intimate moments in the hope that it might widen our cultural perspective just a bit more, and yes, maybe inspire those who think they don't have any options other than what a doctor tells them. Let me not forget to applaud the author of this blog, who happens to be my birth attendant (lucky me!), for creating a forum for these stories to be shared. I know she is reaching women from all around the globe.

So many of the comments that follow these birth stories on the blog are from women who wish they knew that there were other options before they delivered. They are full of sadness and regret. No woman should have to feel that about a moment that is so beautiful and so very special.
~

Butterflies

2011-03-04T08:36:00.002+10:30

March 5, 2004

It had been one year since my father's death. I knew it would be a hard day for Grandma so I took her out. Honestly, I don't remember where we went. I don't remember what we talked about, although I know my father would have been one of the subjects. What I remember vividly is pulling into her driveway and helping her out of the car. It was a fairly warm and sunny day for that time of the year-much different to what it had been like the morning my father died. There had been an ice storm the night before.

As we stood in the driveway, only a short distance from where he left his body, a butterfly appeared and fluttered around my Grandma and I for just long enough that it caught our attention. It circled us and, as we watched it, it flew over to that very place my father took his last breaths and circled there too before flying away. We just stood there gasping. It was magical, like something out of a fairy tale. I knew it was him and I will never again see a butterfly without smiling and thinking of my Dad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There have been many times since then that I've seen butterflies appear to me. Obviously, I see them from a distance as I observe nature and they bring me back to that sweet memory. More significantly they seem to appear to me when I'm going through something difficult or life changing and in those instances they seem to make themselves more known to me by once again flying around me or in my line of vision in a way that I cannot dismiss as coincidence.

Sadly, I think of butterflies as a sorta cliche' symbol. How many people have a tattoo of a butterfly? Butterflies are associated with uber girly things. I knew a girl once who was obsessed with butterflies. Freaking obsessed. She turned out not to be a very good friend to me and so I was left with a sort of tainted view of the butterfly. This was before my father's death, though. Since the butterfly appeared to me that day in my Grandmother's driveway I've looked up the symbolism and, to no surprise, it symbolizes transformation in many cultures. The lifespan of a butterfly is relatively short (about a month) and within that time the little creature makes a complete transformation with grace. It's easy to see why the poor thing has become such a cliche' and subject to being painted on a good percentage of young women's hips, low backs, tummies, and tits.

When I quit my job as an office manager and ran away to Mexico I saw butterflies everywhere and they made it a point to be seen. That was a time of major positive change and transformation. Really there have been a lot of times the butterfly has come to me....and it's been coming to me again during this huge transition of transformation in my life. Interestingly, in many cultures the butterfly also symbolizes the Soul. I like to think my Dad is popping in for a quick hello to say "It's that time again! Change is in the air and all around you. I'm here with you in Spirit."

The other day as I sat in the car after I found out Merlin would only be with us a short time more a butterfly whooshed up the hood of the car and skimmed the windshield bottom to top-directly in line with my body- before disappearing over the roof.

It seems so unfair that I have to grieve my friend Merlin as I prepare to celebrate the birth of my child. I know the love for a child is something that is joyous beyond joy and most probably will help me to heal the loss of this sweet soul who has blessed me with his love and affection for the whole of my adult life thus far. I know that the fairness of it all is irrelevant, but selfishly I feel it and I don't want to lose my friend.

I feel like I've heard this story of birth and death happening concurrently so many times before from other people. I see that it is two sides to the same coin. I see that it is the ultimate symbol of our Life here and how fragile it is. We are all moving toward death from the moment we are born. You can take that to be depressing, or you can take it as a reminder to live fully each day that you have here. Still, there is that part of me that is shaking my fist at the sky saying "This isn't fair Goddammit!" How much more change can I take? Now lets add death to the list. I feel like I should be covered in butterflies head to toe. Birth and Death. Joy and Sorrow. They coexist all around us. Sometimes they weave and overlap a little too close for comfort, pushing our boundaries, testing our faith, and leaving us shaking our fists at the sky.

As another anniversary of my father's passing approaches I'm reminded of what life was like all those years ago. My father's death was the first in a line of very difficult major life changes that sent me spiraling into what I like to call The Great Depression....a long, dark, period in my life. I guess you could say I was not as graceful as the butterfly and stayed wrapped in the darkness of my own cocoon for a long while. I needed to do that.

I needed to go deep into depression back then. It was a lot of heavy, dark stuff I had to deal with. The depression saved me ultimately. It helped me to clear out a lot of what was no longer serving me. This time, while most of the change is positive, I feel a need to draw inward again, to cocoon, to heal, and to assess another layer of what is no longer serving me. I felt the draw to do this weeks and weeks ago, but was too caught up in the outward activities of settling in to our new home. Little by little I've been letting go of the doing, and now with this news of Merlin's condition I can barely do more than feed and clean myself.

Dealing with death will do that for you. Suddenly nothing seems as important as it had been. Eight years after Dad died I can look back at what a transformation that set off in my life. Since then I've become a much lighter, happier person and I'm immensely grateful for the lessons I learned from his death and in the aftermath. Now as I face these big changes, and the death of a dear friend, I know I'm doing so from a much more grounded place. I know I won't need to go as dark or as deep as before.

For that, I am thankful.
~

Tid Bits

2011-03-02T23:51:00.000+10:30

Today I got absolutely nothing accomplished apart from eating, napping, eating, reading a book, and eating. My pregnant body is tired from this baby growing and from all the stress of the past few weeks. I'm taking it easy. I'm listening to my body. I'm resting...not that I have a choice. My body is not giving me much choice at this point.

Merlin's breathing is back under control, so we're taking him back to the specialist tomorrow for some follow up.

I've been driving all by myself like a big girl the past few days. Australians beware!

My condo is rented. Finally. Three freaking months it's been sitting empty. Interestingly, the property manager was "let go." Hmmmm, I wonder why.

My car is very close to being sold, so I'm told. That is a very good thing.

And that, my friends, is all I have to report at this time. More news from the Australian-yogini-gone-drama-queen later. After I sleep more. And eat more. When there's something more interesting to report you'll be the first to know.

Now I'm off to...........zzzzzzzzzzzzz
~

35 Weeks

2011-03-01T23:52:00.000+10:30

My Darling,

Mommy is sorry it's taken me so long to take more photos and write to you. It seems like the days just slip away and "take belly shots" is perpetually on our to-do list. Dad is my photographer, of course, and I edit them. It's so funny to see the pictures because it's so different from the view I have looking down!

Well, a few days ago we hit the 9th lunar month. Today was the first day of fall here and Mother Nature took that seriously! The air smells different and has a crispness to it, sorta like back home in Connecticut. Each week goes by so quickly and it's shocking to think you could be here in as little as three weeks.

Several weeks ago I started to feel like I was hefting around a bowling ball. Every time I try to get up or turn over in bed I have to heave with all my might to get up some centripetal force (I'm not completely sure that's the right term, but it sure does make me sound smart doesn't it?). Don't even get me started about what it's like to stand up from a squat! Mama has gained 30 pounds (13.5kg), so that's a lot of extra weight to carry! It's like I'm back to the days when I used to go to the gym and lift weights. Who needs the gym when I've got you? I have to tell you, I quite like my pregnant body. Even though I've gained a little more weight than I "should have," I feel absolutely beautiful. I feel my body is doing exactly what it should and when I see myself in these photos or in the mirror I'm proud.

I mean, really. Look at you! What's not to be proud of?

Your squiggle movements have not really changed much in the past six weeks. You still have long periods of rest, then you get active for a while before conking off back to sleep. The last time Lisa and Hannah came to check on you they had a feel around for where you were positioned. Well, you sure did play a little trick on them because for a few moments they couldn't figure out which was your bum and which was your head! They finally worked it out by finding your heartbeat, but apparently the way you are turned in there they were feeling your butt cheek and hip and the shape resembled a head. You had switched sides (like I thought the last time) although I think you regularly switch from left to right of my belly button. When you get most active I can see your little tush swishing from one side to the other. I feel kicks switch sides too.

Your movements get more and more rough as you run out of space by the day! I've been getting Braxton Hicks contractions. My body is practicing for our labor. Where I feel it most is way down low like menstrual cramps and waaaay up high at the top of my uterus. Right where your bum sits I feel almost bruised when my belly contracts. It feels like a geyser is going to explode out of that spot!

The other day I felt from your tush all the way down your leg until I came upon your foot! Dad felt it too and we were both wide eyed and giggling. Then you started kicking around like you were trying to flick me off of you. Dad gets a good shocking when he sees you lumping and bumping around my belly. He asked me the other night how I could sleep with that going on. I really have no idea what you do while I sleep, but all I know is I wake up for trips to the toilet several times and beyond that I don't feel you kicking me awake.

There's been a lot of emotional stuff going on the past few weeks. I've really been working through all the changes we've gone through in the past few months. It seems like nothing is going to plan. Well, at least not to my plan. The picture here reminds me of what I've been feeling at moments: "Okay Laughing Buddha, You got me again. My plan is not my plan." You've probably felt the effects of all the good long cries I've had lately. I'm sorry you had to feel my sorrow. I'm sorry you had to go through some heartbreak with me. But, I hope you also felt the release that came from allowing those feelings. I would rather expose you to that and then let go of it all, than keep it all locked up and stewing around. I think that would be worse for you.

Life isn't perfect. Not even when you're pregnant and you wish it could be. I wish you didn't have to learn that lesson so early on, but did you notice how fluid those emotions were? Did you feel me stretching and growing in ways beyond the physical?

That's one thing this life is all about. Growing. Stretching. Something else life is about? Letting go. Surrendering. So, here is my mini-life lesson for you, sweet one. We can't always hold onto the things we hold most dear. Whether it's a belief, or a favorite scarf, or a best friend, sometimes we have to let go. I'm not gonna lie. It can feel like your guts are getting ripped out. When you find it's time to let go, or when you find yourself without a choice and something is just gone, try with all your might not to fight it. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up from the letting go. When we're attached to something, or when we love someone it fills us up with joy. When that someone or something is gone it leaves a hole. It's painful. Really let yourself get down deep into the feeling. It's been my experience that when you do, you open up a little more space so that when the pain is gone you feel even more freed up for joy. Oh, and one thing that helps with the letting go is if you really appreciate what you've got when you have it. Then you'll have no regrets when it's gone. Instead, you'll have a whole lot of gratitude.

In this moment I'm grateful for my body's wisdom and strength. I'm grateful for you growing and taking up all the space you need. I'm grateful for all the little kicks and wiggles you make. I take such joy in folding your little clothes and getting ready for you to arrive. I'm so grateful for all the Love in my life. I'm grateful for these last quiet moments I have alone and with your father.

There are many more things that I'm grateful for, but that can wait for another day. For now, keep up the good work growing. Get yourself all plump and juicy. Mama loves her some chunky baby legs to squeeze.

Loving you with all my heart, Mama
~

Heartbreak

2011-02-28T22:06:00.000+10:30

Beloved Merlin,

I brought you to the specialist today. He looked over all your records and gave you an exam. I'm sure you remember that part. You didn't like it too much.

He told me that you don't have asthma. This makes sense to me since you started breathing hard again the other night even though you were on medicine for asthma. Still, I expected him to give me a better medicine, something different that would fix you up and make you comfortable again.

Instead he told me you have a bad heart. He said he would need to do an ultrasound of your heart to see exactly what was wrong, but judging by your history over the past two weeks, the fluid around your lungs, the x-rays, and the sound of your heart he's certain this is what has been causing you difficulty breathing. He also said that because most cats don't show symptoms until it's too late and don't respond well to treatment that he expects you to only live a matter of months.

I went a little hysterical, as you may remember. I wish Paul could have been with us, and he wishes it too, but he was at his first university class. We really thought he'd be giving us much different, and much more optimistic news. For now, the vet put you on diuretics to help get the fluid off your chest and allow you to breath more comfortably. Once you're breathing is under control we'll decide about bringing you in for ultrasound.

Those are the facts of where we're at right now, just in case you were wondering and confused about why we brought you to yet another stranger and let him have a poke at you. I know you're sick of it all. I can tell by the way you squirm when you're usually pretty cooperative. I'm sick of it all too. I just want you to feel better.

I'm absolutely heartbroken at the prospect of losing you, my dear, sweet, friend. You probably know that though. My chest feels like it is going to implode. I didn't expect our journey to be cut so short. You and your sister have been my constant companions over the past ten years. I've always been able to count on you. You two have been the ones to love me unconditionally-even when I felt like I had nobody to depend on but myself. Even though I have Paul now, and a beautiful baby on the way, those are the reasons why I brought you here. You have been so close to my heart, helped me during my healing process, and comforted me through all the difficult times in my life so much so that I couldn't imagine continuing my journey without you a part of it. Now that may be the reality I must face.

I'm trying hard to remember the lessons I've learned over the past few weeks. I wrote about surrender and death earlier this month. I also wrote about opportunities for learning. I find no coincidence in these two realizations just before finding out this news about you. It seems that after all these years of teaching me about love, companionship, and commitment you're final lesson to me may be about saying good-bye with grace and acceptance. I'm grateful that I may be gifted with some months in which to do that. In the meantime Paul and I will do everything we can if there's a chance it will help you.

Paul is just as devastated as I am. He considers you like a brother. You are our family. It helps me to know you two have such a loving bond. I'm comforted that I have a partner who loves you as much as I do. It helps to be able to grieve together, although it feels strange to grieve you while you're still here. We brought you outside when you seemed to be feeling a bit better because we know how much you love it out there. Seeing you out there rolling around on your back in the grass made us laugh, then cry.

It makes me feel good that you got to experience the outdoors before you go. I'm even more proud now that you caught that bird. That's one thing you can cross of your bucket list, eh? In a way I wish I had found this problem earlier while we were still in Connecticut. Maybe you wouldn't have such a bad prognosis. Then again, as Paul pointed out, maybe we couldn't have brought you here. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference if we caught it earlier and it was meant for you to be with us until your end. I don't know.

Up until today I've only allowed myself to think about death as a possibility once. That was after the first vet we saw gave us the talk about the possibility of not being able to diagnose or save you. I sobbed in anguish after that, but since then had remained hopeful after the diagnosis of asthma. Today has been another tearful and heart wrenching day. I'm allowing myself to feel the pain and sorrow that this news brings so that I can fully appreciate the blessing of every day you chose to stay with us.

The vet from the practice that referred us to the specialist called after he found out the news. He agreed with the specialist. He also said he's seen cats with this condition live up to 9 months. Then again, he's seen some go after just a few weeks. We don't know how long you'll be with us, but we hope you'll be as comfortable as possible and enjoy many more days outside in your favorite bush.

There's not much more I can say at this point. I think you know how much Paul and I love you. I think you know how much our hearts ache with the pain over this news. Our hearts hurt only as much as they've been full of love for you.

For now, there is no good-bye. So, I'll say good night. Sleep well. Rest, my friend. Tomorrow we celebrate another day. ~Shawna
~

Retail Therapy

2011-02-25T21:50:00.001+10:30

If you look back on this blog you'll notice a theme:

First: Take on something big (i.e. wedding, immigration, motherhood)
Next: Stay positive, bulldoze through to-do lists
Then: Fall apart faster than a game of Jenga (remember that?)
Finally: Emerge from days in bed, surrounded by a mountain of tissues, and commence rebalancing....

.....in this case, retail therapy.

The funny thing is, my retail therapy may not look like what you're imagining. If you remember from this post I said we're trying to be really conscious of our baby purchases. Not only do we want to avoid going overboard, but we want to get recycled items. Earlier this month I did go out to a large indoor baby goods flea market and get a ton of clothes and such for $50! So, all the stuff I got from Target that I showed you before is going back. We're also going to look at a beautiful used crib and changing table set tomorrow that, if we buy it, will save us more money than the on-sale crib we've got a raincheck from Target for would have-and it's much nicer.

So, today I felt the need to focus on something warm and fuzzy that makes me happy. My baby. I went out to Salvation Army (shortened here, of course, to Salvos) and spent a whopping $10 for my little sweetheart. The funny thing is I like most of the stuff better than the new Target stuff. Take a look....

Some blankies and some adorable clothes. I got a few more onesies that aren't pictured.

A closer look at the lion blankie. He looks like Merlin! And it says little friends. Awwww!

Paddington da Bear. So snuggawy wuggaly!

And, because it makes me melt like a puddle of goo, lets look at the stuff we got at the baby flea market! A disclaimer though: these were taken with Paul's phone in not-so-great light, so they don't really capture the sweetness of the soft, subtle colors and designs. There are stripes or teeny bears and bunnies on some of them that the camera just doesn't pick up, so imagine lovely greens and yellows and creams with me....

More blankies and hoodie towels. Bears, frogs, bunnies, and ducks!

Duckies to the right, stripes in the middle and left.

Funky fun characters to the left, pjs with teeny bears in the middle, and my favorite to the right.

Take a closer look. Elephant and owl! Little Jungle Friends. I love the neutral colors with that pop of red.

Lots of long sleeved footie pjs

This bear jacket is a close runner up to the Zebra outfit (seen below)

Oh my cuteness. I love baby hats.

This is Paul's pick. For those about to rock!

The entire pile of loot all for around $60! Not including the cats, of course.

This was the one Target item we could not let go of. Sometimes you just gotta splurge!

Buying those few goodies today and taking out my whole pile made me feel a sweetness that was way healing because of what it all represented. It makes me think of the little one brewing in my belly and how soon he or she will make an appearance. It also makes me think of how good my life is compared to about seven years ago during my depression. After the depression lifted, I had gotten to a point before I met Paul where I was happy and I would have been okay had I not found a man to share my life with and had kids. It would not have been the end of my world. When I finally entered into this marriage and pregnancy it was a choice born of the knowing that I am enough. It was a choice made freely and happily. All of these precious pieces of clothing that will keep my baby warm reminded me of all of that....and how yummy he or she will smell in my arms.

As an aside, it's interesting to notice how I've come full circle from my own childhood. My mom was a single mother and my dad didn't usually help much with money. There were a lot of hand-me-downs, garage sales, and K-Mart trips for me growing up. Up until a certain age I didn't really know any different or care. I just knew something new (even if it was used) made me feel good. Getting a bag full of clothes from one of my mom's cleaning clients was like opening up a present. What would be inside? Finding something special at a garage sale gave a whole other thrill. Later, as kids in my class got more cruel I started to feel differently. I wanted to fit in and be the same. Although I still got a secret thrill from getting hand-me-downs from wealthier people, I resented those things, because it was a representation that we couldn't afford more.

Even though I never placed a lot of importance on brand names, I did come to appreciate good quality as I began to make better money. At this point I'd rather have mainly good quality stuff and fewer things. I'd rather spend my money (whether I have a lot or a little) on things that are meaningful and bring me joy. Like my kitten friends, good quality, healthy food, and natural skin care and cleaning products (good for the earth and our skin). Clothes, although nice, aren't at the top of my list for myself or my kid (at this point). Either are most housewares. Used, or better said, recycled will do just fine.

I don't know if my mom had had more money if she'd have done it the same or not. She really does love a good garage sale. I've been in a position where I made great money, but realized it didn't buy me happiness. I have made choices around money that I'm having to readjust to like giving up my career, spending all my savings on first a trip to Europe and then to move to Australia, and finally living a more financially limited life to be able to spend time at home with my child and so Paul can go back to school. I've had to think about what we need to do to support those choices and taking advantage of recycled items is well in order. Not only does it support those choices, but it will (hopefully) teach my kid(s) the values I've learned about how to be mindful of what we spend our money on (everything we buy is a "vote" in what we believe in) and to value the planet....even if they decide not to adopt those values personally I will feel good about my choices.

Somehow I've gotten off the snuggly subject of baby blankies and pjs, but I guess the excited feeling I got from all my "good buys" today reminded me of that time in childhood before other people's opinions mattered to me, when all that mattered was how something made me feel-not where it was bought from. I guess I've somehow stumbled on something snuggly from my own childhood that made me feel comforted.

So, maybe it was more than just retail therapy. Thanks mom for passing down your love of a good bargain. Oh, and thanks for teaching me the value of our animal companions, too.
~

Admission

2011-02-24T18:19:00.000+10:30

Step right up folks! Get your front row seats! You won't believe your eyes! Watch this little lady perform a magnificent display of tears and tantrums! She's about to fall apart any minute! Get your tickets and hurry in to watch the show!

If you can bear with me a few paragraphs, I'll get to the good stuff where I'm having a nervous break down. Nearly. Maybe not, but it's still a good show. Read on.

After I wrote yesterday Merlin got worse. We were keeping him outside and he really didn't want to be alone. So I sat with him and watched as he once again declined. He was listless and eventually his breathing became more strained. His lips, nose, and ears went from pink to white. I cried as I called the vet and told them we'd be on our way in. Again. Last night we decided to keep him on oxygen at the vet. He's improved, but we were worried what would happen off the oxygen, so this morning we told them to take him off and keep him there to see what happens. He's at home now and better, but not 100% and we're now being referred to a specialist.

Paul took the opportunity of Merlin being out of the house to cut out a piece of the wall where the mold was and see what was going on back there. He put on a special respiratory mask, an old work suit from his mechanic days, protective glasses, and gloves. He looked like something out of a movie. What was that movie with the monkey that spread the virus back in the 90s? Oh right. Outbreak. I really wish we had been able to get into the wall a week ago because, although it wasn't great, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as what we were thinking it would be. There wasn't any insulation in the wall, so although there were areas covered in mold it wasn't the infestation that we were expecting. Paul has done a lot of research on how to clean up the mold so it doesn't regrow and he's started that process.

Looking back on this week I realize I've been in a sort of fear induced fog. On one hand we discovered this mold, but didn't know what it looked like behind the wall. It's not our house, so we couldn't just do whatever we wanted to do and had to wait on it. On the other hand we've got a cat who is sick and it's a process of elimination to figure out what's wrong with him. The two seemed to go hand in hand, one causing the other, but now who really knows. Did Merlin truly have a reaction to the mold? He had gone into the closet where the mold was. He did get worse coming back into the house. So, is it something else in the house causing the asthma reaction? Or is it something in the air of Adelaide? The list of questions could string on, and include: what's our next step with him for accurate diagnosis and treatment?

It's just been a week of constant not knowing what's what, and in many situations I can be okay with that to a certain extent. I don't think I dealt with it all too well this time. I feel like I got sucked into a black hole of what-ifs and fear-of-the-unknowns. Most of the time I can catch myself early on and prevent such a state of panic, but this time I jumped in with both feet. What's different this time? Why did I get so freaked out?

I'm still sort of in the midst of it all seeing as Merlin isn't really in the clear yet. If I had to guess I'd say it was a combination of things. Of course the biggest thing was the struggle of trying to do everything we can to help Merlin, but also keeping in mind that we may not be able to. Trying to take action while at the same time knowing that we ultimately have no control is hard on one's whole system. Another way of thinking of it is "letting go of attachment to outcome." It ain't easy, honey. It just ain't easy.

I think these situations also brought to the surface a few other issues I've been trying to deal with; one being my new living situation and the other being my current financial situation. Both are vastly different than what I'm used to and in some ways I'm feeling really powerless--which for a person of my independent nature is not an easy pill to swallow. Both situations will resolve themselves, but it's a matter of time, patience, and perspective.

That brings me to another huge factor I'm beginning to accept which is that little by little the stress of this move, trying to settle into a new life in a new country, all while being pregnant has chipped away at my fragile ecosystem of peace and harmony. I really hate admitting it, but even though it's good change, it's a lot of change going on at once. My ego likes to consider myself strong and capable of handling anything. Just as with this pregnancy I've had to consciously let go of my big fat ego and admit I cannot physically do the things I am accustom to doing, I have to come to terms with the fact that all these life changes are affecting me on many levels. I just so want to be the person that handles it all with ease and grace. But, as I've spoken about here before, perhaps the best way to handle this with grace is to be kind and gentle with myself. Perhaps I should just allow myself the space to admit this has been one long, hard ass journey and I'm tired.

I'm so, so, very tired. And it's not over yet. Paul starts school Monday and baby is due in about 5 weeks. Have you noticed the nice tag line at the top of this blog? "Join me as I muddle through emigration from the US to Australia and the joys of pregnancy all while trying to grapple with day to day life. Here are my personal tales of woe and whimsy." I think at one point when I started this journey and I started writing consistently I invited you to stay tuned, cuz it was going to be one hell of a ride. Well, here you go folks! Here's me being a mess and trying desperately to hold onto my pride, hold my chin up, and....and, well failing miserably...

Ok, maybe it's not failing. It's more humbling. Paul keeps telling me how great I'm doing. He keeps telling me to be kind to myself. He keeps holding up that mirror for me and reflecting all the things I know to be true. All the while he's like a freaking machine taking care of this and that, stepping up to the plate, doing all the things that have to be done and then some. He is one incredible human being. Oh, he hates when I write about how great he is. If it makes you feel better Paul, I'll tell them how you make me crazy by leaving your towels all around the house and not shutting your dresser drawers. Er, he might not like me saying that either. Anyway, I am grateful beyond words for him and for the fact that through all the challenges the first six months of our marriage have presented we've handled it with grace within our relationship.

So that's that. There you have it. I'm not as strong, or graceful, or humble as I could be. Or at least I'm not in every moment. In this moment I'm feeling like I got hit by a bus. I feel horrible for my poor sick cat. I am worried about our bank balance. I'm thinking about what life is going to look like in the next few months. And, I'm trying to take care of myself so this innocent little being inside of me doesn't get flooded with stress hormones.

But who wouldn't feel the effects of getting married, pregnant, and moving to the other side of the world all within six months? I'm really pretty sorta in a way okay considering all that.

A few people have mentioned how lucky I am to have time off from work and focus on myself before this baby comes. This is true. I am lucky, but Lord have mercy, there are moments I'd take a 9-5er right now rather than deal with adjusting to life in anther hemisphere. But, these are the choices I've made and I don't regret a single one. I know in the long run this will all settle down and in the bigger picture these choices are good ones for me and the type of life I'd like to create. I just have to accept that there will be moments when I get overwhelmed, drained, scared, worried, and want to crawl into a deep dark hole to escape it all!
~

An Impromptu Camping Adventure

2011-02-23T09:06:00.000+10:30

Merlin has been diagnosed with feline asthma. The vet agreed that since he improved the other day at their office and then degraded back at home it seems it's something in the house (in fact he's gotten worse than he was the first time we brought him in). The vet said, and we agreed, we shouldn't bring him back into the house. At the same time, they weren't going to be there overnight so leaving him at the office wasn't a great option.

We weren't able to get the caravan yesterday. We looked into getting a little cabin at a beach campsite, but they have a no pet policy and we couldn't see keeping the cats out of the windows.We talked about other options, but none of them seemed to be feasible. The day just slipped away between taking care of the cat issue, running around doing other errands, and trying to figure out where to stay. At this point there was still question as to how my in-laws were going to take care of the mold situation, so we needed some sort of options for the present moment until this got figured out.

So, what did we do? I have to tell you it wasn't easy figuring this out. As you know if you've been reading a while I try to go with the flow, not fight what is presenting, and figure out what my options are. Yesterday I was feeling like in many ways my options were few. I was feeling pretty powerless. It felt like at every turn an obstacle presented. I prayed a lot that I might see a way that I was overlooking. I also prayed for the obstacles to be cleared.

One thing I realized was that I was asking a lot of questions about the long term solution. If my cat is sick from being in this house, which I'm assuming has to do with the mold, then how can I stay here? If the cat is sick, then what could happen to my baby's little lungs? Where will we go? Where will we get the money? My head was starting to spin and I wasn't seeing clearly at all. This is not a good mind frame from which to make any decisions. When we can't see five steps ahead, I guess the best thing to do is to simply take one step.

We borrowed a tent and slept with the cats in the back yard. Paul put a mattress in there for me. Thank God it's summer and it's warm. It may sound like a crazy solution, but by the time we picked Merlin up from the vet at 7pm we were exhausted, drained, and just wanted to be done with the day. It wasn't the perfect night's sleep (there was lots of wind and a barking dog somewhere in the neighborhood), but it wasn't terrible.

Merlin is still having a hard time breathing. The asthma has really set into his lungs, so it may take a few days to get it under control, but the vet said they've seen many cases like his that have stabilized. His lips are still pink, so even though it's hard to watch him breath, we know he's getting oxygen. So, there's something to be grateful for.

As of this morning my father-in-law gave us the go ahead to take care of the mold, so we'll figure out what our next ONE step is.

Yesterday there was a huge, deadly, disastrous earthquake in New Zealand. Seeing all the people on the news slapped some perspective into my face. There are still people in this country dealing with life after a natural disaster.

Shawna, get it together, girl. It ain't all that bad. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust.

Amen.
~

Yes, More on Mold and Cats

2011-02-21T23:59:00.000+10:30

Merlin spent two nights at the vet's office getting IV fluids. He was a whole new kitty and we all breathed a sigh of relief. I called the vet today and his kidney tests came back normal! More relief. We thought he was on his way to recovery.

Then, after spending the last 24 hours back here and the past several hours in our bedroom he began breathing strangely again. I noticed it start off slowly and progressively get worse. Then I noticed one of his eyes was shut. It wasn't swollen or anything, but he wouldn't open it. Then I noticed him itching at his ears and the breathing getting worse.

I could be wrong, but I'm convinced it's the mold issue. What else could explain his progress out of the house and then him progressively getting worse while in the house? While I know not everything on the internet is reliable, there are several articles that have made me think it's even more likely a possibility. Not to mention that when I called my vet in Connecticut the first thing he mentioned was asthma attacks due to allergens (without even knowing about the mold issue--he said this in relation to being in a new environment on another continent). He also said cats could die from such allergic reactions. Several articles I've found have said the same.

Gabby has been fine, but that means nothing. Humans have different reactions to different allergens and so do animals. Thankfully she's not showing any symptoms.

For now I've locked the cats out of the bedroom. As of tomorrow Paul and I may be moving into his parent's caravan. We're sending off a sample of the mold to be tested to see what strain it is, and beyond that I'm not sure what will happen from here.

I'm sorry....I'm sure most people don't want to hear my cat's health ups and downs, but it is what's going on in my life at the moment. I'm confused by this whole thing and worried for him. I'm also worried about us because even though we may not be presenting the same symptoms as him, if it is an allergy to this mold issue then it could be affecting us to in ways we can't see....and it's certainly not healthy for a newborn to be around. So, it's at the top of my list of things to do something about and for now all we can do is go stay in the caravan until we figure out the rest.

Wish us luck.
~

Moonlit Walks on the Beach

2011-02-19T23:34:00.000+10:30

Hi, my name is Shawna. I love Mexican food. I have two kitties that are, like, my best friends. I don't smoke (anymore). I'm a Liberal. I believe that we can all take small steps to really make a difference in the world. I'm a virgo and I like long, moonlit walks on the beach.

Oh right. I don't need a personals ad. I'm married and sorta pregnant. I still can't believe it sometimes.

But really, after a long week of ups and downs Paul and I took the day to relax. And, by relax I mean sleep, hang around the house, and stare at walls.

We did go see Meriln this morning and he was feeling better. He'd eaten. The vet had taken a urine sample and said it was looking as it should. We'll pick him up tomorrow and get the results of his second blood test by the next day. Fingers crossed he's out of the scary zone.

So after a day of sleeping and wall staring, which was just what we needed, Paul and I headed out to the beach at around 9 o'clock at night. It was dark. It was quiet. And it was pure bliss. We walked about 15 minutes, I stopped for some yoga, Paul went off for a run, then we walked back.

Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, ya know?
~

Updates and More

2011-02-18T23:12:00.001+10:30

Yesterday we brought Merlin in and got some blood work done, plus gave him an injection of antibiotics since he wasn't holding down the pill form. The vet left us a message earlier today that his lab work was in and she'd call us tomorrow. We thought the labs must have been normal because she didn't make it sound urgent. Then my birth attendants Lisa and Hannah came over, and we went about our day thinking everything was okay. Plus he seemed a bit better, and so, I felt a bit better. He still wasn't eating much, but he'd perked up. Paul and I have been hand feeding him. Or, should I say finger feeding? We're dipping our fingers in the wet food and letting him lick it off since he won't eat it from the plate. Is there any question how much we love our animals? I was hoping after another day of the antibiotics working through his system he'd start to get his appetite back. We decided in the afternoon to give the vet office a call just to check on the results, even though it didn't seem serious.

Hours later we got the call. The vet on duty told us Merlin's kidney function didn't look good. There was indication that he was dehydrated and that his kidneys were stressed. This could be due to the diuretic he was given at the emergency vet to get the fluid off his lungs and/or the fact that he'd been vomiting before his blood work. Or, it could mean he has a real problem with his kidneys. We brought him in for IV fluids. He'll be there overnight and possibly into Sunday when they'll retest to see how his kidneys are doing. I have to say, we were pretty pissed that if this was such a concern they waited until 7:00pm to tell us. We would have gotten him in there as soon as they told us we needed to.

Now, as far as the mold issue...Paul's done a lot of leg work calling around and the good news is that it's very unlikely the strand of black mold that is in the house is the really toxic stuff. Apparently that particular type isn't usually found here the way it is back at home. So, I learned something new as I thought all black mold was extremely toxic and I was pretty freaked. Still, mold is mold and it's not good to have it in the house with a newborn. The mold has eaten through the back of the wall and become visible through the opposite side. Who knows what it looks like behind the wall where the original water leak was. It needs to be fixed. Paul has done the research and told his parents the options, so it's up the them at this point how they handle it.

It's been a rather scary few days. Here we were trying to take care of Merlin and this mold issue all at the same time--all health related issues. Obviously, there are a lot of factors in there that I cannot control at all and these are the moments when it's hardest to surrender to that. This isn't my house, so ultimately the decision of how to handle the mold is not mine. Yesterday the vet gave us the impression that this was a case that may be hard to figure out because of all the symptoms and that it may get to a point that it would be too costly to find what is wrong with Merlin. Knowing our financial situation she was obviously trying to prepare us for the possibility that we may have to just make him as comfortable as possible and let him go.

When we left I had myself a serious cry. Well, more like a wail. I prayed for the strength to surrender, no matter what, and I let myself really feel what that felt like. It hurt like hell and I cried for a good long time. I never said surrender was easy. Another thing that's not easy? Feeling those feelings. This is why we try to control. This is why we try to deny. Because to fully accept whatever may come leaves us simply to feel the emotions we so do not want to feel. Helpless. Sad. Grief. Heartbreak. Frustration. Loss. Emptiness.

Who the hell wants to feel that? But, it is a part of Life and to deny those feelings, in my eyes, is like denying Life. It would also be to deny how much this cat means to me. I still don't know what's going to happen. If he gets better I'll be elated. If he gets worse, I'll be devastated. This is a huge lesson no matter which way it goes. Surrender. Ain't it a bitch?

Something else I've observed over the past few days--there have been several opportunities presented in which I've had to really be clear with communication and hold others accountable for their end as well. There was a misunderstanding between someone and myself over email about services I was requesting, I had to call the property manager in Connecticut about some concerns I had, and then the vet's office dropped the ball in communicating Merlin's situation to us clearly and promptly.

Those of you who know me may have a hard time believing this, but I have difficulty asserting myself in certain situations. It comes, I think, from what I've talked about lately regarding being authentic and empowered. How can I explain this? I often find myself getting pissed over situations and instead of standing strong and communicating from a place of power knowing that what I have to say is worth being heard, and without trying to diminish the other person involved, I find myself caught up in the emotions of anger and either giving the person a tongue lashing or whining out of frustration. Neither of those serves to get my point across, communicate clearly, or empower me. It's been especially a challenge with all the emotional drain of worrying over these health issues and I would have preferred to avoid this challenge in communication. I didn't though. Each time I consciously communicated. I did the work and in the end I felt good about the interaction and myself.

*cue music* I am woman hear me roar...Oh yes I am wise, but it's wisdom born of pain. Yes, I've paid the price, but look how much I gained. If I have to, I can do anything. I am strong (strong). I am invincible (invincible). I am woman...

Ok, got that out of my system.

Please keep praying for Merlin. Send him your love. Send me some too. Thanks all. Good night.
~

Prayers for Merlin

2011-02-17T10:48:00.000+10:30

Ok, we're in need of some prayers for Merlin. He seems to be getting worse. Hasn't been eating and threw up a few times last night. We're on our way back to the vet.

If anything happens to him I'm going to be deeply, deeply sad. I'm trying to surrender, but instead I think I'm in major denial. I know I can only do what I am doing. I know I can't control the rest. I have a bad feeling about all of this, but I'm trying not to let it take me over. However, the denial that anything is seriously wrong is beginning to wear off, so say a few prayers for me too.

God, give me strength.

.....because if I have to live without this guy I am going to be one sorrowful woman.

Sick House and Sick Kitty

2011-02-16T18:59:00.000+10:30

It has been a crazy few days.

Paul and his mom were cleaning out a linen closet outside of our bedroom when I walked by and smelt mold. I didn't think much of it until when I crouched down I saw a pretty decent sized patch of black mold. I don't know if you've ever heard anything about it, but Google it if you're interested. There's a whole butt-load of information about how horribly toxic it can be.

The reason I even know about it is from watching a show years back on 60 minutes or something. Anyway, I won't get into the blow by blow description of what's been going on, but without trying to go over the edge paranoid we've been trying to take all the steps necessary to check this out. South Australia is a pretty dry place and nobody seems to know much about black mold. Not even government agencies. We're getting ping-ponged from one agency to the next with no luck to find out if this mold is the bad shit. There is ONE company in the whole of Adelaide that specializes in mold, but when there's no competition how can you get a second opinion?

So, as we started looking around to try to take care of that, and as the little bit of worry had planted itself into my brain that I may have been inhaling toxic spores over the past six weeks, I noticed yesterday Merlin's breathing was labored. I noticed it throughout the day, but we were so busy that it wasn't until later that night when he refused his food that I really started to worry. Then I started to remember back on the day and how he'd sort of been off in hiding rather than bugging us to go outside all day as he usually does.

To make a long story short, after a trip to the emergency vet (again), a call to my vet in Connecticut, a visit to the regular vet (to run any tests that were too expensive to run through the emergency vet), and of course their three differing opinions on what it might be, the fact is this: Merlin has a fairly high fever and fluid on the lungs. He's got some sort of infection. How he got it and what kind is a whole other question....that we don't have the answer to at this time.

We decided the best course of action was to put him on antibiotics as he may have bronchitis or pneumonia. The infection could also be fungal from this mold in the house. To find that out is a crazy process, and an expensive one, so we're hoping the antibiotics clears up whatever he's got.

Since the mold is possibly toxic, I also went into the clinic today asking for a blood test to see if there are any mold spores in my blood that could pass to the baby. That was fun. NOT. As I said, people here are really unaware of black mold and since the doctor had never heard of it....well, it must not be a legitimate problem! At least according to him. I'm not trying to go all hypochondriac over here, but I just would rather be safe than sorry. I'm not even confident that the blood test he ordered would be the right one. Can I just say...I'm really not a fan of doctors.

It has been a long few days. Paul is on the phone as I write. He's trying to chase down the proper contacts for this mold problem. Merlin is laying under a chair, antibiotics in his system, hopefully sleeping off whatever he's got. I'm sitting here writing trying to decompress and let go of all the worry. Worry for Merlin. Worry for baby. Worry over money (vets bills suck). Feeling bad for Paul running me all around and worrying over us all too.

All we can do is take the steps necessary to find out if there is a problem, and if so, what to do about it. The mold specialist is coming tomorrow and Paul has a few calls out to some other people who might be able to help us. We just have to wait and see how Merlin progresses.

That's where we're at now.Wait and see. Not my favorite thing, but it is what it is. Say a prayer for us that this mold is not the toxic kind. Please say a little prayer for my Merlin boy, too. I'll let ya know when we figure anything out...
~

Stop Bugging Me!!

2011-02-15T09:04:00.000+10:30

Before I moved to Australia one of the things I joked about most was wanting to avoid all of the poisonous spiders, snakes, and of course the sharks. Little did I know what was really in store for me.

Let me first say that at home mosquitoes didn't like me. I could go out into the woods and most times I'd rarely get bitten while whoever I was with got eaten alive. As you may know from my previous post I've been swarmed by flies since I got here. Apparently this isn't too out of the ordinary. The flies here are a plenty and they love to make a game of flying around people bugging the hell out of everyone. In fact, a lot of people here wear fly nets on their walks. Paul's mom told me that as the joke goes, the Australian salute should be in the form of swatting around one's face in honor of the little buggers.

So, flies buzzing around is "normal" BUT I think they are especially in love with me. The moment I step out of the car I've got at least one new friend. If only it were this easy to make new human friends I'd be all set. I've been out with Paul and he might have one or two tag alongs for a whole half hour walk, while I'm being constantly circled. Ohhhhhh it is annoying beyond belief. I imagine people seeing the big pregnant lady walking along the beach and they get that warm fuzzy feeling that most people do when they see a woman with child. They must think "awww, look at her" until they see me a bit closer and realize I'm swearing and swatting like a sailor.

As if that's not bad enough, even more perplexing is that I am for some reason a tasty treat for ANTS. Yes, that's right. Ants want to eat me alive. I'm not joking either. I have never been bitten by an ant in my life unless they were red ants (who are known to bite) and I found myself unknowingly standing on their home. Here, they seek me out like I'm the hottest new restaurant in town. They line up around the corner just to get the chance to dine on me.

It. Is. Ridiculous.

Most of the time they settle for my toes, foot, or leg. But not always. I've just been sitting around minding my own business and....no lie....have felt a sudden pang on my breast. That ant crawled long and far to take a taste of this breast meat. I was quick to silence him so he would not go back and tell his buddies where to find me. They love me. I, however, do not return their affections. Do you know that we've had a bit of an ant problem here at the house and Paul has had to take several ant infested plates outside and with hundreds of ants crawling on him has not gotten bitten by one single ant?

I don't know if my body chemistry has changed so much in pregnancy that I've become the Australian bug's equivalent to a pig on a spit, or if they'd like me pregnant or not. It's hard to say, but I hope, I pray, I beg that once I have this baby all those pheromones will leave me and rid me of this problem. I keep telling Paul he's going to wake up to find nothing but bones next to him and a trail of ants leaving the room.

I'll leave you with that lovely thought. I think I've bugged you enough with my talk of insects.
~

Oh the Humiliation

2011-02-14T13:46:00.000+10:30

As you may know, my only real pregnancy complaint has been back pain. I've been trying to find a chiropractor who can help me, and I think (I HOPE) I have. I also went to a group physical therapy meeting for pregnant women with back pain as prescribed by a doctor (thank you Medicare). From there, I was able to join a Mom's on the Go class. What's a Mom's on the Go class you ask? Why, it's a free class (again, thank you Medicare) to help pregnant and new mothers keep their girly figures and stay vibrant.

It's an exercise class.

*Sigh*

For the umpteenth time in my life I've been reduced to grapevines. Oh the humiliation. I hate grapevines. I hate exercise classes. They are awkward and boring....and I'm forced into movements that I would otherwise never, ever, never do.

But, I need this. My back is ailing and I need to build up the strength in my low back/abdomen again, plus the once a week commitment to kick my ass into gear the rest of the week. Then I can do things that I like to do without limping around for the rest of the day. Like walking and yoga. And, it's free.

It's really not as bad as I make it out to be. I just like to be dramatic. It's only an hour a week and it will help relieve this shitty back pain. Oh, but the grapevines, and the silly arm movements, made even worse by the fact that we're all pregnant ladies. *eye roll* At least the instructor doesn't stand in the front of the class with the music blaring so loud I feel like I'm at a death metal concert and screaming at me to MOVE IT!!!! She's nice and she's actually been pregnant and has kids herself so she doesn't expect crazy things from our large and imbalanced bodies.

Fingers crossed this helps my back....otherwise I'll be suffering the humiliation of right leg cross over left leg cross over right leg, arms up, belly in, pelvic floor tucked....for no reason at all.
~

Sleepy and Sleepless

2011-02-13T06:32:00.000+10:30

I've entered into a strange pattern the last several days. At some point during the day I become so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. So I sleep.

I'm not much of a napper when I'm not pregnant. In fact, I resisted it during most of my pregnancy--not because I wanted to torture myself, but because I know my body pretty well and usually when I nap I don't sleep as soundly at night.

Then my third trimester hit, I was pushing my body too hard and other mamas told me so. I listened, and realized that in fighting the urges to nap I realized it was no longer an option to not give in and indulge myself. So, I have slept. And it has been gooooood.

The last few nights unfortunately my body is remembering it's old tricks. Sleep during the day? Oh, then it must not be time to sleep at night. I can't fall to sleep. When I do, it's not deep and I wake a million times. Finally I land up giving up around 5:30am.

Shit, this must be painfully boring to read about!

Well, I can't be witty and sleep deprived at the same time. And I can't be all too insightful either. Grumble, grumble. Pout, pout.

Oh, and yes, I am aware that soon I will never sleep again. I will have a baby, and then I will see what real sleep deprivation means. I won't have to pack bags because I'll have huge one's to carry around under my eyes. I will only know sleep again once all of my children are 25 years old, and only then if I'm lucky because I'll still be up worrying every night. Don't worry, nobody has let me forget it. Grumble, grumble.

At least once I have this child I can use this as a guilt mechanism. "Go play with your toys. Quietly. Mommy needs to drink her special grape juice now because you kept her up all night, remember?"

Joking.

Maybe.

~

Belly Button

2011-02-12T01:24:00.000+10:30

Dear Belly Button,

What in the name of all that is normal are you doing?

At first I was fascinated to see you changing shape, but now this is just getting strange. You started off as a pretty perfect circle that I could see the bottom of (if I really looked) as you were not too deep, but also not too shallow. Now you've developed what appears to be a hood. You are a bizarre mixture--half inny and half outy.

Whatever shall you do next?

Maybe when this child inside is ready to be born you will pop out to a full outy. I am imagining something like a turkey pop-up timer and with a little ding you will alert me that this kid is fully cooked, my waters will break, and I can get to business birthing so you can get back to normal.

One thing that has pulled at my heart strings though....the part that used to be your bottom that is now exposed and flush with the rest of my skin is as soft as a baby's bottom. It must have stayed that way, protected from all the harsh elements, since I was a baby. It reminds me where I was connected to my mom, and where my baby is connected to me. There is something so vulnerable in that softness, something so comforting.

Otherwise this whole Houdini turning inside-out thing you're doing? It's just plain weird.

Looking forward to seeing you back to your old self,

Shawna
~

More on Living Authentically

2011-02-11T11:52:00.000+10:30

I know in sharing so much on this blog I'm opening myself to other people's opinions and that's okay. I do want to clarify something from yesterday's post though....

The point of my post yesterday was not about whether I should or should not celebrate Christmas. It was about me living authentically, meaning true to my own beliefs. Of course, on certain subjects, I have to consider Paul's beliefs as well and we will need to find a way to raise our family respecting both of our beliefs. What I was asking is that if there is anyone out there who also feels that Christmas does not represent their spiritual beliefs, but is in a family that still celebrates, how do you deal with that?

Really though, that was a minor part of the post.

One idea of that post is that I think a lot about my belief systems and if I've decided that Christmas doesn't fit my spiritual beliefs, then I'm okay with that. If I've decided home birth is the best thing for me and my family, you can be sure I've done the research and feel confident in my decision.

I really value making conscious decisions about my life choices....from every day things like how the meat I buy was raised and recycling, to marking life events like marriage and how I birth, and beyond. I don't want to do things--or at least things I'm aware of--just because other people do it. Paul is the same in that respect, and luckily we agree on most things. That's a value I'd like to model for my kids, too.

The really big idea of that post is that I need to be me, I need to be true to my beliefs and be strong in standing by my decisions. This may sound like a no-brainer, but for me I've struggled with this sense of empowerment. I've felt weakened and defensive over other people's opposition to my beliefs and/or decisions. I have majorly struggled with how to handle the anger that arises out of frustration when I feel someone is not respecting my choices. This is a lesson that goes way back and one that was brought to the surface for me to look at when I was in the role of Manager. My boss once reflected to me that I reminded her at times of Napoleon, stomping around demanding respect. That, plus listening to some of what the employees there reflected to me, really struck a chord and I'm grateful for the mirror that was held up.

A friend from Yoga Teacher Training, Gwen, posted this quote a while ago:

"Commanding power is not the same as demanding it. Demanding comes from a childlike place akin to a tantrum, based upon the fear that it might be withheld. Commanding is based upon the sure and steady knowledge that you are part of the Great Spirit's grace and wisdom." - Ixchel

THAT is what I've been going for.

I'd like to be able to command that power from a place within, knowing that I am expressing the Great Spirit's grace and wisdom in my own unique way. And, if people don't respect that, I'd like to be at peace with it.

As I said, I know that writing on this blog opens me to other people's opinions--some of which will oppose mine. Whether I post these things here or not, I have to live in this world and that reality will be the same. When I interact with people and they ask questions, this stuff will come up. For my own peace of mind and heart, I need to be okay with that, whatever the forum. This blog serves as a way for me to simultaneously capture my thoughts, work through my struggles, and share it all with others. And, I've learned so very much from people's comments. Again, I am grateful for the mirror that is held up.

As far as the Christmas thing....boy, it strikes a chord with people. Especially when it comes to children. I think for the same reasons, so does the home birth thing. When I make certain decisions that are right for me, it is good for me to realize that can very much be challenging other people's beliefs. It's hard for us all to see past what we so much believe in. Belief systems are often very deep rooted from childhood and when presented with something different it can be jarring. If I can see this from that place it feels like less of an attack or judgment on me. For me personally, I've looked long and hard at the belief systems that I have absorbed and questioned whether or not they still work for me as an adult. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.

Living Authentically is not easy. It's why so many people wear so many masks. I've had this conflict inside for a long time. I want to be completely authentic, but have everyone agree with me and respect me. That is an unrealistic expectation. I cannot always have both, and that too is okay. I've just had to go through the process of working through that.

Let's see, I took the management position in September 2005. Gee, it only took five and a half years to figure this one out!! Excuse me while I go drop to a pile of goo on the floor....
~

Yoga and Living Authentically

2011-02-10T10:12:00.002+10:30

I copied this quote down at Kripalu back when I was there for my wedding. I had seen it so many times and loved it, but it seemed really fitting to what I was going through at that moment.

Yoga is the practice of tolerating the consequences of being yourself.

~Bhagavad Gita

I've tucked that away in my back-log of post ideas and it's been staring at me ever since, waiting for the right moment for me to come back to it. Today is that day.

When I was planning my wedding I quickly realized that not everybody would be happy with all of my choices. This was a really difficult aspect of my wedding for me. I was going on 33 years old and had never really gone through one of these rights of passages before, so I didn't realize that 1) so many people would have such set ideas about what was supposed to be done and 2) that I would be so wrapped up in caring. Read about that here if you're interested.

I sorta worked through that, although I think it was more of a band-aid solution, but at the very least I noticed that I did not like how I was responding to other people's disapproval. Since then I've been noticing some more instances when this has come up.

I'm not a person who goes against the grain just for the sake of being different. Please. It is so much easier to go with the crowd. I am a very analytical person. Too much so sometimes. I'm always thinking about things and I'd consider myself pretty introspective. Maybe you've noticed that in my writing. So, I think and I think, most times I research, and sometimes I find that I identify with beliefs outside of the mainstream mindset.

It is in these moments that I struggle, not with my decisions, but with what other people think of my decisions. My wedding was one of those times. Remember my Christmas post? Try telling people that you don't believe in celebrating Christmas because you don't identify as a Christian sometime. It's fun. *eye roll* People look at you like you're the Grinch with two heads. Today I was invited to the zoo by a family friend and had to admit that even if Paul wasn't working I wouldn't go because I'm not an advocate of most zoo environments (sorry Big L). Aw, she took it in stride, and we had a little laugh about it, but I still felt like a party pooper.

Our decision to home birth has been another huge right of passage that, once again, we're going against the grain with. Some people seem to be really comfortable with it. Some people are shocked, then seem okay with it. Of course there are definitely people who do not agree with our decision and are worried. If you're interested in more on our reasons for choosing home birth click here and here. The point of this post is that it's some of the people who's approval I'd like most who are not comfortable with the idea.

I've got a real problem wishing others could think like me. I always want them to be as excited as I am, or at least, understand where I'm coming from even if they wouldn't make the same decision themselves. For example when I tell people I'm planning on cloth diapering, some still look at me like I'm crazy, but at least they're of the mindset "I could never do it, but all the more power to you." I guess it's because it's good for the environment and who could think badly of that? I'm getting better at accepting when people disagree with my choices--little by little. I know there are some issues of which I'm not going to change anyone's mind, and they sure aren't going to change mine. I say my piece, let my views be known, and then try to let the subject go.

It all comes down to my desire to live authentically and soc comes the practice of tolerating the consequences of being myself. For me I have an easier time living authentically as I'm really comfortable with all of my choices. I know that what I decide is truly the best thing for me and if it turns out there was a different path that would have been "better," then I'm willing to live with that because in my view there are no failures, just opportunities to learn. I'm also willing to take responsibility for my actions, so in that sense I can absolutely tolerate the consequences of being myself. It's just tolerating the consequences in the sense that others may pose opposition to my choices that is the hard part. I guess that would be part of the practice of non-attachment, eh? I hope one day to be fully able to accept that not everyone will feel the same as I do. For now I'm most grateful that I've got Paul by my side, supporting me, and accepting me no matter what.

*As an aside, Paul and I agree on most things. With the issue of Christmas, he'd like to celebrate as a non-Christian, but be honest with the kids that Santa isn't real. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but we'll have to figure it out sooner or later. If there's anyone out there that's in my same boat and has come up with some ideas on how to meld Christmas with extended family/society with their own beliefs, pleeeeaaase let me know. On the issue of home birth he was against it when I first presented it, but now that he's done the research and met Lisa he's more of an advocate than me I'd say!

Australian English Lesson IV

2011-02-08T22:43:00.001+10:30

I know you all love these, so here's another edition of *cue game-show music* Auuuustraliaaaaaaaaan English!

In honor of my unborn child, here are some terms associated with babies:

bub/bubba = baby
cot = crib
nappies = diapers
pram = stroller
dummie = pacifier/binky

And here are some words and phrases for all of you inquiring minds that would like to know more about how Australians relate to one another:

"you're alright" = no problem
how ya goin? = universal greeting
Good on ya = Good for you! or Great job!
Ta = Thanks
fucking me off = pissing me off
feral/foul = disgusting
chuffed = pleased with one's self
fuckin' oath = an affirmation, such as hell yeah
me= sometimes used in place of my (bit of a bogan thing to do, really)
love = term of endearment often used between strangers
abuse = tell off, speak badly to

Australians, help me out with these. Paul doesn't always like to play along, so if you know of a better explanation let me know!! Now, for the best part....using this lesson's vocab in sentences!

*couple walks into a baby shop, woman is very pregnant and almost knocks over a display with her belly*

Woman (to sales person): Oh sorry about that!

Sales person: You're alright, love. (says to both with a big smile) How ya goin'?

Husband: Good, good mate. As you can see my lovely wife (looks at wife adoringly) is ready to pop out our bub!

Sales person: Good on ya! How can I help you today?

*a particularly feral couple comes walking into the store, and waits impatiently for assistance*

Wife: Well, we still need a cot and a pram. My wonderful, darling husband has been searching out safety standards for so long that now bub is almost here and we still don't have anywhere for bubba to sleep!

Feral husband (to sales person): Hey mate, you reckon we can get some service here? All I want is to buy this dummie and nappies for me kid and get outta here.

Sales person: Sorry mate, just give me one more minute.

Feral wife: Oh, this is really fucking me off! How long do we have to wait?

Husband: Oi! No need to abuse this lovely lady (motioning to sales person). (mutters under his breath) Foul bitch.

Feral husband: What's that mate?

*the two men engage in a bit of chest puffing and exchange words until the sales man convinces the feral couple to leave with threats of calling the cops*

Wife: (sarcastically) Oi, real nice. Bet you're pretty chuffed with yourself now!

Husband: Fuckin' oath! Can't let people get away with that nonsense.

Sales person: Really! They were absolutely horrendous! Ta.

And that concludes this installment of Australian English, my friends. I hope you've enjoyed it. Join me next time as I explore the wonderful world of numbers. Yes, that's right. The Australians are a strange breed and have a whole other way of relaying numbers to one another.

See ya later mates!
~

Opportunities for Learning Abound

2011-02-07T23:33:00.004+10:30

I cannot believe I'm going to quote the movie Evan Almighty, but hey-a good line is a good line. In the movie, God (Morgan Freeman) is speaking to Evan's wife. He appears to her not as God, but as a waiter. He poses this to her:

Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

It's a really excellent point, don't you think? I suppose it's along the same lines of "be careful what you wish for, but I like the idea that we are presented with opportunities to learn, rather than being punished for daring to wish something. Whenever something happens, we tend to categorize it as "good" or "bad" when in reality it's all learning. Have you ever seen those shows about the people who won the lotto (good!) and their lives were destroyed because of it (ut-oh. That's bad)? Every situation has opportunities to learn, it's simply a matter of how we perceive it.

A few months back while reading The Secret Power of Yoga I came across a section about Kriya Yoga, or yoga in action. This three part path includes tapas (purifying), swadhaya (study of the Divine through scripture, nature, and introspection) and---get this--iswara pranidhana (whole-hearted devotion to the Divine in all). If you remember I wrote about iswara pranidhana a few days ago in a different post, not realizing I had just read two different interpretations about this concept in the last few months. More on that later, but the Universe is obviously bringing these concepts back around to me if I don't notice them the first time around.

Within that section of the book N.J. Devi, the author says about tapas: The material world graciously stands ready with multiple opportunities for self-improvement and purification. The true reward is to understand and accept all challenges as gifts that enhance clarity. Hmmm, sounds sorta like that Even Almighty quote, doesn't it? Of course, that one quote was the only thing in that movie that really stood out for me, but I didn't put the two together until just now. So it would seem that again the Universe is trying to get this message across.

Okay, okay! I hear you!

Throughout the process of our move to Australia I would pray occasionally to find peace within the chaos happening around me. In fact, I wrote about it here. I've been praying for that whenever my surroundings start to feel overwhelming. Like when my condo was a complete mess and I'd be standing in the middle of it wishing to take a match to it all. Or when looking at one of my to-do lists. Or at the airport in a huge line of people, everyone taking off their shoes and loading up trays of belongings, while we're carrying around two cats plus luggage trying to get it all through security. Or, while we've been clearing out the garage or our bedrooms here in our new home. It was usually when I could physically see my surroundings were overcoming me. So I prayed to find peace within the chaos.

Well Divine Grace, the laughing Buddha that I always imagine in these situations, hears me during those moments and says "right, I'll just add that to the list." Then the Universe starts arranging itself to help me out. Per my request, but of course. The thing is, I don't get to pick which opportunities are presented to me. Funny how that works, huh?

I've been noticing certain things lately, some of even comical, and I can see clearly the laughing Buddha is up to his ol' tricks. Again, while reading the same section of The Secret Power of Yoga, and again on the subject of tapas, it states:

Even the most minute of disturbances during our formal Yoga practices can send us plummeting from the higher realms back to the material world. A tiny mosquito buzzing in your ear during deep relaxation can quickly turn the practice into an arm-waving event worthy of Olympic competition. If, though, we use tapas to tether ourselves close to our center, it's transcendent power moves with us into daily life.

I laughed. Just the day before reading this I had gone for a walking meditation and stopped to do yoga at my favorite spot along the boardwalk. The entire time I was being swarmed by flies. In fact, since I've gotten here the flies have become my arch nemesis for this very reason. I knew this was a lesson. I thought of the experiments I've seen about meditating monks who while meditating could have a gun shot near their head but manage to stay cool as a cucumber. So I'm doing my walking meditation and yoga, listening to mantra on my iPod that is singing of peace and harmony and such, and these flies are just dive-bombing me constantly. I'm swearing and swatting and mumbling "Oh very funny. Aren't I the peaceful yogini?" In fact, at the very moment I sat reading this section of the book these flies were buzzing around me!

As I said, this story goes back months, but it's all just coming together this morning as I sit here referencing this book. Around the time I had started praying for peace within chaos, I had also skimmed through this same section of the book and saw there was a mantra presented that I liked. I bought a version of it by Deva Premal to listen to on my iPod. The mantra is the Gayatri Mantra and is said that through repetition all the wisdom and practices of Kriya Yoga can be experienced.

Oh, for crying out loud. I've been walking around chanting this mantra for months-not really appreciating the true intention behind it. I'm just realizing why certain situations are presenting for me.

Devi explains about the Gayatri Mantra:

The sacred prayer is dedicated to the goddess Gayatri, a feminine aspect of pure consciousness...from Divine Light, she creates all life....it's powerful and purifying effects permeate all environments, affecting the entire globe on profound levels...is a unique way to understand Kriya Yoga. It deepens spiritual understanding without the intervention of the mind. Repetition of the mantra channels it's vibratory meaning directly to the heart.

The mantra and an offered translation by Devi:

Om Bhur Bhuah Swaha
Tat savitur varenyam
Bhargo devasya dhimahi
Dhiyo yonah prachodayat

Embracing Earth, Heaven, and Beyond
The sacred source is revealed
Evoking the resplendent flame
The all-pervading light venerates us all

This whole picture came about when I woke up this morning. As to be expected, there are adjustments to be made when moving into a new home. I have a certain morning routine that I quite enjoy. When Paul moved in with me in Connecticut he fit right into it perfectly. Since I've been living in my new home it's been revealed to me that my morning routine will have to change. I'm now sharing someone else's space and I have to find ways to fit into it. I woke up realizing that I have been desperately resisting this change, but as I have written about many times before here I must surrender. I don't intend on giving up my morning routine, but I will adjust it as necessary and some of those adjustments will be internal. I have been praying to find peace within chaos, I have been walking around humming the Gayatri Mantra. All the while the lessons have been laid out before me and I've been swatting at them like flies.

Thank you laughing Buddha. I finally see. As with other lessons I'm coming across lately, this is a good one just before motherhood, so I am grateful. Do you know something else I have regularly prayed for over the past several years? Clarity of mind to be open to seeing any lesson presented to me. That one has been answered over and over. It's also one that I will continue to pray for in motherhood. Somehow I suspect I'll be learning lots and lots of lessons there. Children are our greatest teachers, are they not? Introspection is a quality that will serve me well throughout my journey of parenting.

So is the ability to embrace all challenges and opportunities to learn while trying to find peace within.

Oh, so remember iswara pranidhana? Devi interprets this as: wholehearted dedication to the Divine Light in all. The other day I quoted the translation from the Yoga Journal as: total surrender to a higher power. While slightly different, my own interpretation leads me to hear that this concept comes down to a total and complete Trust in God (or the Universal Order, or the Laughing Buddha--whatever you'd like to call It).

There have been several situations that have been a challenge for me lately. There are moments when I feel like once I come to terms with one thing, something else comes up. I feel like one of the lessons I'm being presented with lately has been where to draw my boundaries and how to be true to myself without being shaken. I'm being given an opportunity to stand in my own power. This is a deep-seated issue that I've been working on over the past several years. If you want to talk about iswara pranidhana in the sense of a wholehearted dedication to the Divine Light in all, it's an interesting practice while people are presenting opposition to you, your beliefs, or your decisions.

There are a lot of big ideas in this post. My head is spinning a little bit from it all. One other funny thing that Devi relays in her book is how someone asks Mother Theresa if she feels Jesus has ever tested her beyond her limits. She said: "No, I don't think I'm ever tested beyond my limits, but I often wish He didn't have such a high opinion of me!" I think I'll start praying to have the strength and sense of humor of Mother Theresa!

I am so humbled by all I have written about in this post. These moments when I am feeling tested, but manage to put together all the pieces and feel the Truth come to the surface of my heart I know without doubt that God is within me and all around me. I feel my relationship to God, my faith, and my appreciation for all that surrounds me deepen.

And that is something I will carry in my heart always....especially when the Laughing Buddha is pushing the bounds of my own imagined limits!

Jai Bhagwan!
~

Anyone Care to Wager?

2011-02-06T22:52:00.002+10:30

My dear friends, Meredith and John, just had their baby boy, Tyler John yesterday. I'm so happy for them! Meredith did the photos for my wedding and was just pregnant then. I'm just about exactly eight weeks behind her, so this means I'm getting pretty close!

So does anyone want to make a little wager about our little one? Ok, so I don't have anything to give the winner except bragging rights, but who wants to place bets on baby?

Boy or girl?

Weight?

Date born? (Due date is April 7)

I'll go first. I'm guessing baby girl (That's right! I'm changing my mind!) born on April 1st, weighing 6lbs 14oz.

I'm flipping to girl because there's a girls name that was really calling to me the other day and I'm now waffling on my boys names.This is fun! I love a good mystery.

So, any takers??

**Mom, you can't guess since you cheated and asked a psychic.
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Drive Through Packy

2011-02-05T11:21:00.000+10:30

Where I'm from we call a liqueur store a packy. Here they call it a bottle-o. Since many of you in Connecticut are probably out for a quick packy run on this Friday night before they close at 8pm, here's a little food for thought:

This is the Thirsty Camel. It's a freakin' drive-through packy. Why do we not have these in America? Seriously. We've got drive-through banking, but not booze?

Here they don't have drive-through banking, but they do have this. Who's got it right?

Up till midnight you can drive on up and have this nice boy grab you what you like (you can also go in yourself if you like).

Anyone want to come visit me in Australia? If we run out of booze we can just head on up the road to the drive-through!
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