I don't remember the exact timeline of events, but when Adelle was several weeks old I got mastitis. It was wretched. Breastfeeding was already painful and I wasn't coping well, so this added a whole new dimension to it. After the second round of mastitis was when my milk supply dipped, I think. Adelle stopped thriving and in a short period of time became skin and bones. My anxieties were getting worse. Many people kept telling me things would get better, but as I clung to that belief it seemed things were just getting more unbearable. The situation was beginning to spiral and I was very ready to give up on breastfeeding altogether. The reason I didn't wasn't out of stubbornness or ego, but simply because I firmly believe that breastmilk is what nature intended babies to have.
My birth advocate gave me the number of a client who had been through something similar and who landed up supplementing her son with formula, and later, donated breastmilk. Her name was Diana and I was blessed to have met her. Diana was very open about her experience, which was similar to mine in some ways and very different in others, but still I felt I was finally being heard by someone who understood exactly what I was feeling. I told her I was ready to go out and buy formula that night. I no longer believed I could provide my baby with what she needed. Diana then changed the course of my breastfeeding relationship with Adelle by telling me she would share some of the donated milk she had in her freezer from a woman who had had premature twins in hospital.
I was incredibly grateful for this option, and so late one cold night Paul and I left to make the hour long trip to pick up our first batch of donated milk. When we arrived Diana came out with a bag full of milk, books, herbs, and an SNS (supplemental nursing system) for us. It was like a Milky Christmas. She was so willing to share because she knew the feeling of desperation that I was in. She has always been generous with her time if I needed a chat or sent her an email with more questions. I hope one day I can pay her generosity forward to another woman in need.
Thus began my journey to readjust my expectations of what I thought breastfeeding would be like for us. I began to walk a fine line of being sure Adelle was getting enough milk, while trying to build my own supply, and hanging onto hope that I could eventually let go of the donor milk and supply line. I wanted to do what was best for her and in my eyes that was keeping her on breastmilk, but I had to make sure she was gaining weight in a way that Paul and I were comfortable with. Again, the point I want to make about this time period was the feeling of desperation and being torn between what I felt was the best thing for Adelle (keeping her exclusively on breastmilk) and putting her on formula (which up until this point I thought was my only other option).
I began topping Adelle up with donor milk as I worked on getting her latched properly to my breast and rebuilding my supply through frequent feedings, herbs, medication, and pumping. I never had much luck pumping, which is another reason why I am grateful for donor milk! When the first round of donor milk was running out I put up a request on the Human Milk 4 Human Babies Facebook page. Just about the time I started getting nervous that I would run out Diana sent me a message saying her son didn't need the donor milk any more and I could have what was left in her freezer. It was liters and liters of milk! Then I got a message from HM4HB from a woman about another huge batch of milk she had collected from a mama who had been in hospital with a premature baby. What a blessing and what a relief. This has been my experience with donor milk from that time on....any time we're in need, there are mamas to provide. Since that time I've never worried again and I've always trusted in the generosity of these loving women who so willingly share of themselves. On more than one occasion I've cried tears of gratitude and felt my heart expand for these donations of what we call liquid gold.
In years past, and in many cultures today, milksharing was and is normal. Since my Grandmother's generation when women were encouraged to put their babies on formula and start spoon feeding from a ridiculously early age it's somehow gone out of our social consciousness. Whenever I talk about home birthing, milksharing, and the like, I feel I need to put it out there that I do not judge anyone else's decisions. I personally am more comfortable with the option to milkshare than to use formula, but I know not everyone would feel that way. However, I also know that a LOT of people don't know that milksharing IS an option and I am a big believer in informed decisions. I would venture to guess that many would consider it if given the choice-especially knowing what we know today about the value of breastmilk to babies. To me breastmilk truly is liquid gold. Actually, I value it more than gold!
As hard as this journey has been at times, I am grateful that I have been given this opportunity to see into the heart of Motherhood and Women. I see the gifts I have received through this experience and that helps me to See in a much broader way. The chance to nourish my baby with other women's milk has nourished me in many ways as well.
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