World Milksharing Week Part 1: The Beginning

In retrospect, there were several things I wish I had done differently.

I wish I had taken more responsibility. I wish I had done some reading or attended a lecture about breastfeeding before giving birth. I really had no idea what I was doing when Adelle was born and it never 'came naturally' to me the way I thought it would. I was nervous and unsure of myself. Instead of being informed and confident, instead of trusting Adelle to do what came naturally-- I fumbled, second guessed, got frustrated, felt hopeless, had anxiety attacks, and actually wished myself dead.

It makes sense to me now. How would I know what to do? I hadn't been around many breastfeeding women in my adult life. And, any time I had seen a woman breastfeed all I could see was the back of a baby's head. I had no clue what was happening on the other side of that head. In fact, I tried not to look too closely to respect the woman's privacy. I don't remember anyone telling me that breastfeeding would hurt before I gave birth. I certainly don't remember anyone telling me it would be excruciatingly painful. Everyone told me that after I started to complain about it.

If I had done some research, gone to an Australian Breastfeeding Association meeting or two, or talked to other women I would have known what to expect and what was outside of the range of normal. Nipple pain is pretty common, but three bouts of mastitis in 6 weeks and major scabbing on the nipples--I feel that part could have been avoided. Lets just say that only in the past few weeks has one of my nipples gotten back to it's original shape. Both my nipples had major gashes in them that took months to fill in with new flesh. Months. There was a time I thought they'd never look like they used to. I was just too focused, as most of us women are, on the laboring aspect and I assumed breastfeeding would 'just happen.'

I wish I had sought the help of a lactation consultant sooner than I did. I wish I had taken more responsibility and sought more help sooner for this aspect of motherhood because I would have saved myself a lot of anguish and pain. I would have saved poor Adelle having to fumble through with me. Thankfully, she's a patient, easy-going baby.

So, I wish I had done a few things differently. But it is what it is. It's easy to know what you'd do in retrospect, but harder to accept things for the way they are actually happening in the moment. I did a lot of struggling against the tide and it got us nowhere. After 5 months (at the writing of this post) I'm finally at the stage of acceptance. My journey through breastfeeding Adelle, a painful on many levels and most humbling experience, was my very first lesson in the scope of responsibility of being a parent, understanding the bond between mothers, and navigating the parent/child relationship.

In the end I feel strongly that Adelle and I are better off for sticking it out, I just can't help but feel a little bad for the way we started off. Still, without other Mamas cheering me on, without the organization Human Milk 4 Human Babies, and without the women willing to donate their Liquid Gold we wouldn't be able to say Adelle has been exclusively fed breastmilk for her whole life. We may have given up altogether, but we didn't have to because we always had donor milk in the freezer. For that I am truly grateful, for it has given us what I feel is the true gift of a loving breastfeeding relationship. Just last night when Adelle woke for the first time and she heard the 'snap snap' of my nursing bra being undone she waved her arms excitedly and reached out to pull me to her. As we snuggled into each other and I touched my nose to her head I could feel the contentedness floating between us. It was all worth it.

This week in honor of World Milksharing Week, I'm planning to post several more writings on my experience of breastfeeding, milksharing, and other aspects of those relationships. I'll talk about using the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System), how we came upon donor milk and what it means to us, the Milky Mamas who have donated, and what my breastfeeding relationship with Adelle is now. So, if you're interested in boobie talk stay tuned!