The Dishes Will Never be Done

It was this week when I had another moment of letting go of what I thought I'd be like as a mama. I'm sure you other mamas know what I'm talking about....the moment you're standing in your kitchen looking at a pile of dishes, crap all over the counters, the milk in the fridge is out of date because you haven't gone shopping, and from where you're standing you can see a mountain of laundry. Oh, and it's 11am and you haven't brushed your teeth yet.

No? You're one of those mamas who can keep the house spotless? Ah well, I'm sure you had at least one other moment of letting go of what you thought your life would look like post-bringing-baby-home.

I thought I'd be a breastfeeding on demand, cosleeping, sling wearing, zen mama (drawing on all my yoga practice of course). The fact is, breastfeeding didn't go as planned. My baby is a squiggly worm so we attached her crib to the side of our bed so she can be close, but not up against me wriggling and waking me up every 30 minutes. I do use the sling quite often, but am considering certain cases a stroller may come in handy. And, I am so, so far from zen. I've been struggling with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Motherhood has stirred up a lot for me. I'm seeking help and I have lots of support thanks to Paul, his family, and the good ol' Australian government (they have a lot in place to help new mothers with PPD).

But, I also thought I'd be able to keep up the house easily. I mean, how hard is it to wash some dishes and hang out some laundry when you're not working? Sometimes I can keep it together, but sometimes like this week when Adelle has completely changed her sleep habits and I'm totally worn down and stressing that she's not getting enough sleep, I can't. The place goes to hell and the dishes, my worst most hated chore, pile up. We don't have a dishwasher so there are always either dishes in the sink or drying on the counter. I hate the way it looks, but today as I stood in that moment described above, I gave in to it. Who cares? I live a ten minute walk from the ocean and I haven't been down to the water front since I don't even know when. So I plopped Adelle in the Ergo carrier and went for a walk through the conservation park that runs along the coast and leads to my in-law's place. I went to visit my mother-in-law and to pretend that there were no dishes dirty in my sink.

So, things aren't turning out the way I thought they would. So what? I have to just keep reminding myself that everything is exactly as it should be. There is much to be grateful for, so why sweat the small stuff? I know this, but I forget as my brain spins every time I see those dishes creep into the sink. Ah well, maybe one day I'll be one of those mamas who can keep the house spic n' span.

Or, maybe not.