Lost

I've been having a recurring dream for quite a while now. The dream isn't always the same, but the theme is. I'm in a car and I'm lost. Sometimes there's someone in the car with me, but I'm always the one driving. Often, I have a vague idea of the area which makes it all the more frustrating when I can't find my way. And that's it. I never find my way and it's always maddening.

I don't think all dreams have meaning. But, I do think some have significance.

For a while I had dreams of houses. Houses that in which I discovered secret rooms, rooms hidden, rooms being renovated, and rooms I was moving into. This wasn't so tough to figure out....especially at the time. I was going through a lot of transformation.

One dream interpretation website says about driving: To dream that you are driving a vehicle, signifies your life's journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.

But these dreams? Being lost? I don't feel like I'm looking for anything. I've stopped trying to plan- stopped trying to map out a course and then control every detail and I'm happier because of it. Are these dreams my subconscious telling me I'm bothered by not having goals?

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

Well I suppose parts of this could make sense. I'll willingly admit that although exciting, the idea of moving to Australia is scary as hell! I've honestly thought about living out of the U.S. even before I met him....but Australia is far. I mean--really friggin' far. I think that's the only thing that freaks me out.

I'm so grateful to have found Paul and I'm at a time in my life that I'm actually not searching....for once. Still, I guess it could make sense as this interpretation offers that I 'may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation.' After all, I've never been engaged before. This is all new to me. Having a positive, healthy relationship with a man is all new to me.

Actually, this could explain the driving part of the dream--in which I'm kinda familiar with the area (being in a relationship), and yet I still seem to be lost (new territory of marriage).

Well whadduya know....I guess I've got it all figured out after all.

Wedding Zombies Ate My Brains

Here's a little something you may not know about me: I'm obsessive. True. I'm also a procrastinator. Very true.

I said from the beginning that I was going to keep this wedding simple and elegant. Do you know how hard it is to accomplish those two things--on a budget? Every time I think of it my tummy tightens. So what I land up doing is procrastinating this whole wedding planning thing because I know I'll get obsessed about getting the most bang for my buck.

Today Paul and I spent the whole morning researching ceremony and reception venues. The whole morning. Then we went shopping at Costco with my mother. Does anyone else smell disaster? Yes, I do believe that's disaster brewing. I'd know that smell anywhere.

I love my mother but this was not a good idea. By the time we got home I collapsed on the bed to rest for a few hours exhausted. I was so tired I told Paul to take my car to work because I didn't want to go anywhere.

Around 7pm I jumped out of bed with a gasp. Ohmygoodnesss I'd forgotten an important business meeting I was supposed to be at.....at 6:30! It was 7:07 and the meeting was 2o minutes away. I'd be an hour late, but I thought "hurry up and get dressed!" That is, until I realized Paul had the car. Defeated I sat back down and called my business associate.

So much for being grounded and balanced. Good going Little Yogini.

I swear, I won't become bridezilla, but I may just land up looking like this the day of my wedding:

A Tribute to Miss Lonely

At one point in my life I would have freaked out about being alone on a Saturday night. Or any night for that matter. I hated being alone. Dreaded it. I loathed solitude. I spat in the face of Loneliness.

There was a time that I fought Loneliness like a tenacious little bulldog nipping at her heels trying to keep her away. Loneliness just held on and stood firm. I fought and I fought until finally I gave in and allowed her to stay. She stayed with me a good long time patiently tolerating my resentment until finally I realized She had become a part of my life I had become accustomed to. After some time I even came to call Loneliness 'friend' and actually look forward to her company.

I am so grateful to have found Paul. Beyond grateful. But truthfully, there are times I miss my old friend. I miss Miss Lonely. I really came to appreciate her. She has a quiet beauty and grace about her that no other has. She is a part of me and I need Her in my life. We like to take baths together, write together (she's even helping me edit this now), laugh together, and cook together. We do things together I'd never let anyone else see me do. No matter how long it's been, when we get together it's just like old times.

Loneliness has a bad rap. To a lot of people she's the 'bad' girl around town. But really she's just doing her job-keeping us all in check, reminding us about how important it is to be intimate with one another-and with ourselves. Some would deny her. Some admonish her. Some even dare to scorn her and spit in her face as I once did. We've all turned our backs on her at one time or another.

Here I am all alone on a Saturday night. I am so grateful for the fullness of my life and for the self-love I've fostered so that Loneliness isn't any longer a constant presence. I am happy to say that I am blessed enough to either take or leave Her as I please. I don't think she's offended by that. On the contrary, I think she's just glad someone gets her.

Keep your eyes open and I think you'll see she's all around. For some reason during the holidays she's extra busy. If you see her in someone's eyes, give her a little break and take the time to keep someone company for a bit. I'm sure they'd appreciate it. Loneliness can be welcomed in small doses, but after a while she can get to be a little much.

Insecurity

Two situations came up today in which I voiced my concern, my opinion, and advocated for what I need. And you know what happened? I got totally insecure.

This little voice in my head kept saying "This person is going to think you're being negative/a pain in the butt. Your opinions don't matter. Your questions are stupid."

What's that all about?

Well maybe (and I really have no idea) those two people did find me annoying or perceive me as being negative....but does that mean I shouldn't question things or ask for what I need? This insecurity totally comes from a place of needing to be liked.

My feelings of panic at the idea of upsetting the other person weren't as strong as what I've experienced in the past, but it is interesting to notice this form of self-doubt, low self-worth, and fear.

Have you ever felt this way? And if so, do you think it's a 'woman thing?' I'm just curious for the sake of conversation....

I haven't blogged in a while. But, what is there to say? Honestly, since going to Mark Whitwell's workshop back in October life has been pretty dang good. Well, life is always good, but it just seems a bit more relaxed. The daily practice helps me to start my day by connecting in to Source.

I've borrowed Mark's book from a friend and just started reading it recently. Right off I got something out of it. In the forward it talks about the Buddhist belief that in life there is suffering. Imagine a person in a boat. Sometimes the waves are gentle. Other times the waves might thrash the boat tossing the person around. Ultimately, it's up to the individual to find balance regardless of what is happening to the boat.

Even though I've been working for years at finding balance and staying centered no matter what life brings, I guess with my daily practice comes a renewed sense of strength, calm, and centeredness. That 20 minutes (or thereabout) serves as a reminder of all I know to be True and I carry that with me throughout the day.

A New Sensation

For the past several weeks I've been practicing yoga anywhere from 10-25 minutes daily. While I'm practicing I experience every feeling from "blah" to "ahhh" and everything in between. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes my mind wanders. Sometimes I forget my breath. But always by the end I'm feeling more centered.

I've also noticed a new sensation in my body as I practice. This sensation has sort of crept up on me becoming more and more noticeable with each day. It's strange and unfamiliar yet comforting. It's hard to explain exactly what it feels like, but it's lovely.

There's a yoga sutra "stirum sukham asanam" which means "steady and comfortable." The only way I can think to explain this sensation is to say that I feel like I'm now embodying that sutra. There seems to be no tension in my body and a great sense of ease within each posture.

Each day of practice brings new challenges and rewards. It seems this experience is proving to me that with daily practice the rewards are subtle and lasting.

Pretzel Anyone?

I think this is the image of yoga so many people have in their minds....pretty funny.