A Tribute to Miss Lonely

At one point in my life I would have freaked out about being alone on a Saturday night. Or any night for that matter. I hated being alone. Dreaded it. I loathed solitude. I spat in the face of Loneliness.

There was a time that I fought Loneliness like a tenacious little bulldog nipping at her heels trying to keep her away. Loneliness just held on and stood firm. I fought and I fought until finally I gave in and allowed her to stay. She stayed with me a good long time patiently tolerating my resentment until finally I realized She had become a part of my life I had become accustomed to. After some time I even came to call Loneliness 'friend' and actually look forward to her company.

I am so grateful to have found Paul. Beyond grateful. But truthfully, there are times I miss my old friend. I miss Miss Lonely. I really came to appreciate her. She has a quiet beauty and grace about her that no other has. She is a part of me and I need Her in my life. We like to take baths together, write together (she's even helping me edit this now), laugh together, and cook together. We do things together I'd never let anyone else see me do. No matter how long it's been, when we get together it's just like old times.

Loneliness has a bad rap. To a lot of people she's the 'bad' girl around town. But really she's just doing her job-keeping us all in check, reminding us about how important it is to be intimate with one another-and with ourselves. Some would deny her. Some admonish her. Some even dare to scorn her and spit in her face as I once did. We've all turned our backs on her at one time or another.

Here I am all alone on a Saturday night. I am so grateful for the fullness of my life and for the self-love I've fostered so that Loneliness isn't any longer a constant presence. I am happy to say that I am blessed enough to either take or leave Her as I please. I don't think she's offended by that. On the contrary, I think she's just glad someone gets her.

Keep your eyes open and I think you'll see she's all around. For some reason during the holidays she's extra busy. If you see her in someone's eyes, give her a little break and take the time to keep someone company for a bit. I'm sure they'd appreciate it. Loneliness can be welcomed in small doses, but after a while she can get to be a little much.

Insecurity

Two situations came up today in which I voiced my concern, my opinion, and advocated for what I need. And you know what happened? I got totally insecure.

This little voice in my head kept saying "This person is going to think you're being negative/a pain in the butt. Your opinions don't matter. Your questions are stupid."

What's that all about?

Well maybe (and I really have no idea) those two people did find me annoying or perceive me as being negative....but does that mean I shouldn't question things or ask for what I need? This insecurity totally comes from a place of needing to be liked.

My feelings of panic at the idea of upsetting the other person weren't as strong as what I've experienced in the past, but it is interesting to notice this form of self-doubt, low self-worth, and fear.

Have you ever felt this way? And if so, do you think it's a 'woman thing?' I'm just curious for the sake of conversation....

I haven't blogged in a while. But, what is there to say? Honestly, since going to Mark Whitwell's workshop back in October life has been pretty dang good. Well, life is always good, but it just seems a bit more relaxed. The daily practice helps me to start my day by connecting in to Source.

I've borrowed Mark's book from a friend and just started reading it recently. Right off I got something out of it. In the forward it talks about the Buddhist belief that in life there is suffering. Imagine a person in a boat. Sometimes the waves are gentle. Other times the waves might thrash the boat tossing the person around. Ultimately, it's up to the individual to find balance regardless of what is happening to the boat.

Even though I've been working for years at finding balance and staying centered no matter what life brings, I guess with my daily practice comes a renewed sense of strength, calm, and centeredness. That 20 minutes (or thereabout) serves as a reminder of all I know to be True and I carry that with me throughout the day.

A New Sensation

For the past several weeks I've been practicing yoga anywhere from 10-25 minutes daily. While I'm practicing I experience every feeling from "blah" to "ahhh" and everything in between. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes my mind wanders. Sometimes I forget my breath. But always by the end I'm feeling more centered.

I've also noticed a new sensation in my body as I practice. This sensation has sort of crept up on me becoming more and more noticeable with each day. It's strange and unfamiliar yet comforting. It's hard to explain exactly what it feels like, but it's lovely.

There's a yoga sutra "stirum sukham asanam" which means "steady and comfortable." The only way I can think to explain this sensation is to say that I feel like I'm now embodying that sutra. There seems to be no tension in my body and a great sense of ease within each posture.

Each day of practice brings new challenges and rewards. It seems this experience is proving to me that with daily practice the rewards are subtle and lasting.

Pretzel Anyone?

I think this is the image of yoga so many people have in their minds....pretty funny.

Heart of Yoga

After completing our two week ordeal after shaktipat Paul and I went on a much needed trip to Kripalu. He'd never been and I wanted to share with him the place that has brought me so much healing and transformation.

Back in 2007 during my yoga teacher training at Kripalu Mark Whitwell popped in to give a short lecture. What he said I did not remember exactly, but I did remember the feeling he left me with. I thought "Well he's a cool dude. Yeah, I totally identify with what he's saying."

He came to mind not long ago and I looked up his schedule. I saw he'd be at Kripalu in October and made a note of it. After reading the description of the workshop while Paul and I were in the midst of the shaktipat madness, I decided it was just what I needed....and kept my fingers crossed that Paul would benefit from it as well.

Mark basis his teachings on the teachings of T. Krishnamacharya (who was teacher to the well known B.K.S. Iyengar and K. Pattabhi Jois) and his son TKV Desikachar. It's important to note that both of these teachers had families--which is drastically different than what most traditions stem from. I haven't had the time to research the lineage too deeply, but it seems to me from what Mark Whitwell is teaching that this has a huge impact on his teaching of yoga.

I realized from his talks that a lot of 'yoga' as we know it is tied up in the Hindu religion. Ahhh, my shaktipat experience of religious guilt was made a little clearer to me. These are a few points that I walked away with from my weekend:

• Nature contains absolute intelligence and is responsible for creation. If Nature is the Source of Life then we are not separate from it.
• Yoga is union with that Source and is our embrace of the ordinary conditions of Life (our body, each other, nature).
• Yoga is also our direct participation in Life and with each other. Removing ourselves from others, or from the ordinary conditions of Life (for example living in a monastery) does not serve to bring us closer to Source.
• There is nothing we need to attain. Searching for 'enlightenment' or some other way of 'being' implies that we're not already whole, complete, and a part of Source (a perfect parable for this: have you ever been searching for your glasses, only to find they are on your head? You don't need to search to connect to Source-you already are a part of it just as the rays are a part the sun).
• Asana practice is not to be done with the goal of enlightenment or God realization, but instead to interact with Source and Life.
• The practice of Yoga is what spontaneously, naturally allows samskaras (imprints left on the subconscious mind by experience) to drop away and grace to unfold.

Here's what I learned to apply to my asana, pranayama, and meditation practice:

• Practice yoga daily and unobsessively! Mark says to do a minimum of 7 minutes a day to connect body/breath with Source, but I can't seem to do it in under 15 minutes effectively. Still, 15 minutes a day is totally do-able and this is a break through concept for me! Silly as it may seem I had myself tied to this idea of an hour long practice-which is why I never practice. Now, I'm practicing 15-45 mins/day. Usually I do it in the morning and it sets a beautiful tone for my day.
• Inhale expanding the rib cage and chest, receiving energy from above. Exhale flattening the stomach and pulling the belly button slightly up toward the solar plexus, drawing strength from below. This is different from three part breath commonly used in asana practice. I find this new breath very invigorating.
• The breath begins each movement. The asana (posture) is done for the breath-not the other way around.
• Bandha (body locks at the throat, solar plexus, root) is for the purpose of connecting with our heart center by bowing the head down while lifting the root/solar plexus up.
• Meditation is a naturally occuring state and cannot be forced. (Example: can you force yourself to sleep if you are not ready?)

After such an extreme experience with the Kundalini Maha shaktipat experience this was the message I so needed to hear. The Universe sent me exactly where I needed to be. Home. Kriplau. Mark's teachings were something that felt True to me. He helped me to reconnect to what I know in my heart. The practice of Yoga is a way to connect to Source -which is already a part of me. I don't need to look outside of myself or go to great lengths to purify that which I am in order to get to something 'more.' I am that I am.

Shaktipat

Three weeks ago Paul and I decided to receive shaktipat from Shri Anandi Ma of the Kundalini Maha Yoga tradition.

Shaktipat is the transmission of energy from a powerful spiritual leader to student to help awaken the kundalini energy lying dormant at the base of the spine. It's said to help hasten the process of working through old karmas.

After the shaktipat we were instructed to complete a (very long) mantra 108 times per day--that's one round around the mala beads--to not have sex, and not eat meat, eggs, garlic, or onions (all said to arouse agitation)....for ten days. Oh, and if I start my period I'm supposed to stop and start all over again on the fifth day of my period. Apparently it is counter productive to the kundalini rising since it is a downward flow.

So of course I started my period. Luckily I started the very day after the ceremony so I wasn't half way through....but still. It lengthened the time we had to restrain from all things good in life. I don't want to go into a blow by blow, but let's just say our household wasn't as amicable as it usually is.

For me the worst part was not eating garlic and onion. I can go vegetarian, but no garlic or onion?? As we got closer to the two week mark I was actually craving meat. I always debated going vegetarian and now I know it's not for me. Call me a semi-vegetarian--if there is such a thing. I don't eat red meat and I can go without meat for most meals. But I do need meat. The funny thing is that Paul has come out of this practice having lost his appetite for it.

The celibacy got difficult as we approached the two week mark as well. We landed up not making it till the last day. Then I sort of felt like I had failed something. Then I rationalized that we would have made it if I hadn't gotten my period and extended the whole process by four days. So there. It was my fault we "failed."


The whole thing just didn't sit right with me. I felt almost dirty for getting my period. Then I felt bad for making love to my fiance'? And on top of it all I couldn't even eat garlic and onion? Everything has garlic and onion. I'm not dirty and sex is not bad

On top of all this there was the monumental task of trying to do the mantra and meditate for an hour and a half to two hours a night. Every night it was like pulling teeth to sit down for that. It all left us feeling pretty miserable.


I tried to think of all this as purifying and an opportunity to cultivate discipline. I tried to think of it as an opportunity to confront things that make me uncomfortable (like denying myself pleasure through intimacy and food), but it really just landed up feeling like religious guilt.

In the end I felt blessed to have been given the gift of shaktipat-this energy transmission from a being who is so dedicated to helping others advance on their path....I just wasn't sure if this path was the one for me. Luckily, soon after this experience I took a trip back to "The Mother Ship"--my beloved Kripalu---where I got some much needed clarity.

To be continued....